Middle-aged sex is crap: Official
Earth fails to move much for weary over-45s
A study of 1,752 weary adults has shown that after the age of 45, it's downhill all the way when it comes to getting your end away.
The rot actually sets in at 40, according to Kwai Garlic, which commissioned the survey. Three-quarters of those quizzed said that's the age at which sex started to become less of an earth-moving experience, and by the time you're 45 you're down to 22 minutes (including foreplay), once a week and quite possibly in a darkened bedroom*.
The study results make sobering reading for those of us already well past our prime. Six in ten pollees over 45 said they don't feel sexy, a quarter insisted their clapped-out bodies are "saggy and wrinkly" as the Telegraph puts it, and 70 per cent bemoaned their middle-age spread.
Six in ten confessed they are "always ready for a nap straight after sex", while 26 per cent end up "completely shattered" by making the beast with two backs. A shocking 37 per cent said they simply didn't have sufficient energy to perform at all.
The majority of the participants looked back with fondness to the ages of 29, 32 and 36, the points at which they were most energetic, most experimental, and getting the best nookie of their lives, respectively.
This must have been a really painful experience for the one in 20 who now fear cardiac arrest if they attempt to relive past sexual glories.
Kwai Garlic's Iain Laing said: "The survey clearly demonstrates that looking after your health is vital as you get older and sex shouldn't be excluded from your life because of worries about putting a strain on your heart.
"It should be embraced, both as a way to keep life exciting and also of looking after your heart, which may help the 37 per cent who don't have enough energy to perform at all." ®
*The study discovered that "sex is restricted to the bedroom for 85 per cent of older couples, while 64 per cent only make love with the lights off".