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England win World Cup, says dried vulture brain

It's a kind of footie muti magic

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Footie punters eager to know if their team has any possibility of winning the world cup would do well to take note of the shamanic powers of vulture brains, whose far-seeing powers can apparently foresee if, for example, England are going to screw up yet again in the essential penalty shoot-out.

According to South African vulture lovers, the trade in prescient avian brains has rocketed in the run-up to the Football Frenzy Of Capitalism 2010™, courtesy of the traditional "muti" belief that eating dried vulture bonces will allow the diner to see small objects from a vast distance and, by extension, foresee lottery results and other fiscally-excellent outcomes.

All of this, natch, is bad news for the poor old vulture. Mark Anderson, exec director of BirdLife South Africa, lamented: "Many vulture species across the world are in trouble. Our very own species in southern Africa is declining sharply for a number of reasons, including reduced food availability, deliberate poisoning and electrocution from electricity pylons.

He ominously added: "The harvesting of the bird's heads by followers of muti magic is an additional threat these birds can't endure."

Fair enough. England football fans are accordingly advised to use the following method to divine whether or not we're going to win the world cup: lay off the vulture brains, drink ten pints instead, and then convince yourself that you had a vision of driving around London with a couple of flapping plastic England flags outside yer motor's window, celebrating the moment in which our beloved, overpaid, national team didn't screw it up in the penalty box. ®

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