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I Married a Monster from ISO 9000

We're getting harried in the morning

Seven Steps to Software Security

The signing of the report

Auditor: Can I sit somewhere quiet for a while, so I can write up my report?

Managing Director: Sure, have the boardroom. I don't suppose you could tell me, um, I mean I may have to go early... so if you could just let me know...

Auditor: Thank you.

Nunc dimittis

After 30 minutes, the Auditor emerges from the boardroom, and summon the Quality Manager and the Managing Director. The Congregation watches respectfully and quietly.

Auditor: Ok, well nothing much to say there, except: well done. No non-conformities. Suggest you might look into doing something about your bug statistics. It's all in my report; gimme a memory stick and I'll put it on it. But all round pretty good. See you in nine months.

Final hymn and blessing

The Congregation sings:

What a friend we have in Stephen,
What a splendid bloke he is.
We are always pleased to see him,
We would never take the Stephen really is the biz.
Stephen helps us with our process,
MacBride makes quality an art.
We can't get enough of Stephen -
Now it's time he did depart.

Managing Director: Thanks very much for that, Stephen. I'll see you to the door. Hope for a better journey this time, eh? And one thing...

Auditor: Yes?

Managing Director: I thought you looked lovely.

Auditor: Eh?

The Congregation then may sing the rarely-heard, contraversial second verse:

Now this bloody thing is over
Oh how happy we shall be.
We shall ship our code untested
Stuff the effing quality.
No reviewing Gavin's Java
No re-choir-ment specs to check.
In due course we will regret this,
'Til then we do not give a feck.

Amen.

Then a collection is taken on behalf of the Wounded Veterans of BS 5750 Association, and, as after many conventional religious services, everyone repairs to the pub. ®

Reducing security risks from open source software

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