I Married a Monster from ISO 9000
We're getting harried in the morning
The mumbled prayer of M
M, sotto voce: Take. Eat. This is my bloody...
Managing Director: M!
The making of small talk
Then the Auditor and the Quality Manager and the Managing Director sit in the boardroom and make small talk together, which may concern:
the inequity of local parking, and the likely-vain hope that the newly-elected council of opposite political complexion may do something about it
what's the fuss about iPhones? They are no better than they should be and twice as expensive: as soon as we got them all the wives had to have them too (this latter point discussed during the Quality Manager's coffee-fetching absence)
have you heard about the new TickIT Plus? They reckoned that the old standard was a bit moribund, certification has levelled off over the last year or two. Don't quote me on this, but it is ridiculously over the top. They are going after the big boys, but I doubt if even they will wear it.
although if the last topic is chosen, the conversation is necessarily one-sided.
The first lesson
Managing Director: I suppose, Stephen, haha, this is just a formality, really, this visit?
Auditor: I failed a company couple of months back, certified twice as long as you, mind. Yesterday, they phoned to cancel the re-audit because they had gone bust.
Managing Director: Urp.
Then the Auditor selects some projects, and some victims, and subjects each one to a lengthy catechism:
Auditor: And did you, M or N, test this software?
Selected Victim: Absolutely. Yes. Definitely. I think.
Auditor: And where would we find the test specifications?
Selected Victim: In the project documents. I'll just click here, and... oh. Hold on.
Auditor: Have you not got the test specifications?
Selected Victim: Um... Well, perhaps in a small project like this, maybe we didn't bother to...
Auditor: Shall I take it that you performed no test on this occasion?
Selected Victim: It would seem that, um... no, wait! Wait! We did this on the old server. That means the test specs will be in the old directory. Ah yes, here we are. Look. Phew, ha-ha. All in good order. There you go.
Auditor: That is a factory acceptance test. Your procedure says you also do a site acceptance test. So where is...?
Selected Victim: Um. Now, hold on. This is a comparatively small project...
Etcetera for hours, with just one break for:
The luncheon hymn
The luncheon hymn is a duet, with the Auditor and the Managing Director taking one verse each, as follows:
There is a Green Man quite nearby,
Within a briskish walk,
Where we can get a pint of Pride,
Or maybe pop a cork?
I may not drink for I must drive,
So that rules out the inn.
Please send the girl to Marks and Sparks
To get some sarnies in.
Suffer little children
During the ordeal period, the remainder of the Congregation behave like sweet little children in church:
N, via IM:
Fatboy AUDITOR hath let one go!
The Congregation: <suppresses sniggers inadequately>
M, via IM:
How U kno?
N, via IM:
How U think I kno?!!!?!!? Mingingest. Trousa. Trembla. Evvvva.
The Congregation: <sniggers some more>
M, via IM:
I closer than U. Smell nuffin!
N, via IM:
ISO 9k auditors R expert directional farters. Fatboy must have dropped one down the diagonal.
The Congregation: <helpless and red-faced with mirth>
Quality Manager, turning round and mouthing desperately: Stop mucking about you idiots!
Auditor: Is there something wrong?
Quality Manager: No, no. I just thought I would, um, that is...
Auditor: Shall we carry on, then? How would you prove that you knew that you'd tested what you said you would prove that you knew that you'd tested?
Next page: The signing of the report