Feeds

DIMENSIONAL PORTAL INCURSION AT THE LHC!

Elite troops confront 'response' to 7 TeV collisions

Intelligent flash storage arrays

Blue glowing ball 'must be a response' from the FIFTH DIMENSION

According to our contact, approximately 3 and a half minutes after the tiny and incredibly brief supersymmetry event in the ATLAS instrument, a much larger and apparently stable transdimensional "door" flowered into existence within the ATLAS cavern, suspended mid-air slightly to one side of the Collider's magnets and the ATLAS itself. The portal, described initially as a "glowing, bluish, spherical object about 2 metres in diameter", was spotted on CCTV by ATLAS boffins - no personnel are allowed in the cavern during beam operations for radiation safety reasons.

"There's no way that the LHC could have generated such a large 'door', or sustained it so long," our source wrote in a hasty email early this morning.

"There's no technology we know of that could do that, and even if there was the entire human race doesn't have access to enough energy to power it."

"We think it must be a response to the supersymmetric energy discharge from our side," he added, enigmatically.

We followed up with more questions, but haven't received any further response as of publication. Enquiries through official channels elicited a boilerplate denial, but that means nothing - CERN spokesmen have attempted to hush up major incidents at the LHC before.

Events at the LHC since the early hours of this morning remain unclear. However it appears that the Swiss government may have called in outside help. Online enthusiasts reported sightings of unidentified soldiers in combat equipment on various CERN webcams, before all imagery was abruptly replaced with stock footage showing routine scenes - in many cases with telltale evidence such as apparently months-old newspapers or magazines, or clocks and watches showing times at variance with reality.

Meanwhile unconfirmed reports have it that various elite special-forces units belonging to the member nations of CERN have been despatched to Geneva. Elements of the British SAS are thought to have arrived at CERN headquarters just hours ago, joining French GIGN and German GSG9 operatives at the scene. It is thought that members of the elite Swiss police "Stern" tactical unit descended into the underground complex housing the ATLAS experiment early this morning, and have not returned.

One anonymous Reg informant - in a message originating from an IP address registered to CERN at Geneva - has reported explosions, gunfire and screams coming from the access shafts leading down to the ATLAS cavern 70 metres below ground level. Others have described heavy helicopter traffic at the complex, the arrival of several unmarked military transport planes at the adjacent Geneva airport in the early hours of this morning, and in one case "a blue vertical beam like a searchlight" intermittently shining up from the ATLAS facility before cutting out.

British Ministry of Defence spokesmen this morning couldn't deny that UK elite troops are in Switzerland fighting as part of an international taskforce to resist a hyperdimensional invasion. However they refused to give any details.

"It is MoD policy that we never comment on Special Forces operations," said a spokesperson.

More reports are coming in on this story: we may or may not be able to publish them, as our legal team are even now considering a message we've just received via the DA-Notice System. ®

Bootnote

April Fools!

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk

More from The Register

next story
GRAV WAVE DRAMA: 'Big Bang echo' may have been grit on the scanner – boffins
Exit Planet Dust on faster-than-light expansion of universe
Mine Bitcoins with PENCIL and PAPER
Forget Sudoku, crunch SHA-256 algos
SpaceX Dragon cargo truck flies 3D printer to ISS: Clawdown in 3, 2...
Craft berths at space station with supplies, experiments, toys
NASA rover Curiosity drills HOLE in MARS 'GOLF COURSE'
Joins 'traffic light' and perfect stony sphere on the Red Planet
'This BITE MARK is a SMOKING GUN': Boffins probe ancient assault
Tooth embedded in thigh bone may tell who pulled the trigger
DOLPHINS SMELL MAGNETS – did we hear that right, boffins?
Xavier's School for Gifted Magnetotaceans
Big dinosaur wowed females with its ENORMOUS HOOTER
That's right, Doris, I've got biggest snout in the prehistoric world
Japanese volcano eruption reportedly leaves 31 people presumed dead
Hopes fade of finding survivors on Mount Ontake
That glass of water you just drank? It was OLDER than the SUN
One MEELLION years older. Some of it anyway
prev story

Whitepapers

A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Beginner's guide to SSL certificates
De-mystify the technology involved and give you the information you need to make the best decision when considering your online security options.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.