DIMENSIONAL PORTAL INCURSION AT THE LHC!
Elite troops confront 'response' to 7 TeV collisions
Blue glowing ball 'must be a response' from the FIFTH DIMENSION
According to our contact, approximately 3 and a half minutes after the tiny and incredibly brief supersymmetry event in the ATLAS instrument, a much larger and apparently stable transdimensional "door" flowered into existence within the ATLAS cavern, suspended mid-air slightly to one side of the Collider's magnets and the ATLAS itself. The portal, described initially as a "glowing, bluish, spherical object about 2 metres in diameter", was spotted on CCTV by ATLAS boffins - no personnel are allowed in the cavern during beam operations for radiation safety reasons.
"There's no way that the LHC could have generated such a large 'door', or sustained it so long," our source wrote in a hasty email early this morning.
"There's no technology we know of that could do that, and even if there was the entire human race doesn't have access to enough energy to power it."
"We think it must be a response to the supersymmetric energy discharge from our side," he added, enigmatically.
We followed up with more questions, but haven't received any further response as of publication. Enquiries through official channels elicited a boilerplate denial, but that means nothing - CERN spokesmen have attempted to hush up major incidents at the LHC before.
Events at the LHC since the early hours of this morning remain unclear. However it appears that the Swiss government may have called in outside help. Online enthusiasts reported sightings of unidentified soldiers in combat equipment on various CERN webcams, before all imagery was abruptly replaced with stock footage showing routine scenes - in many cases with telltale evidence such as apparently months-old newspapers or magazines, or clocks and watches showing times at variance with reality.
Meanwhile unconfirmed reports have it that various elite special-forces units belonging to the member nations of CERN have been despatched to Geneva. Elements of the British SAS are thought to have arrived at CERN headquarters just hours ago, joining French GIGN and German GSG9 operatives at the scene. It is thought that members of the elite Swiss police "Stern" tactical unit descended into the underground complex housing the ATLAS experiment early this morning, and have not returned.
One anonymous Reg informant - in a message originating from an IP address registered to CERN at Geneva - has reported explosions, gunfire and screams coming from the access shafts leading down to the ATLAS cavern 70 metres below ground level. Others have described heavy helicopter traffic at the complex, the arrival of several unmarked military transport planes at the adjacent Geneva airport in the early hours of this morning, and in one case "a blue vertical beam like a searchlight" intermittently shining up from the ATLAS facility before cutting out.
British Ministry of Defence spokesmen this morning couldn't deny that UK elite troops are in Switzerland fighting as part of an international taskforce to resist a hyperdimensional invasion. However they refused to give any details.
"It is MoD policy that we never comment on Special Forces operations," said a spokesperson.
More reports are coming in on this story: we may or may not be able to publish them, as our legal team are even now considering a message we've just received via the DA-Notice System. ®
Sponsored: The Nuts and Bolts of Ransomware in 2016