Feeds

DIMENSIONAL PORTAL INCURSION AT THE LHC!

Elite troops confront 'response' to 7 TeV collisions

Intelligent flash storage arrays

April Fools In shock news, it has emerged that recent record-breaking increases in particle ring energy achieved at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) - the most powerful atomsmasher ever assembled by the human race - have caused a hyperdimensional portal leading to an inhabited parallel universe to open up deep beneath Switzerland, in what may be the opening move of a cross-continuum invasion campaign.

A secret international task force of special-forces troops is said to be assembling at the Collider to deal with a 'response' from the fifth dimension to a hyperdimensional energy discharge emitted from the LHC.

Supersymmetry event detected at the ATLAS experiment

Imagery of the initial supersymmetry event passed to us by online enthusiasts.

The opening of the dimensional gateway is being kept subject to a governmental news blackout to avoid a global panic. However, keen amateur LHC-watching enthusiasts, familiar with the many internal websites used to run and monitor the mighty Collider, stumbled across imagery last night confirming that a "supersymmetric" event had taken place following a particle collision inside the huge, subterranean ATLAS instrument cavern.

Supersymmetry, in layman's terms, is a phenomenon called for by a theory in physics which states that there are actually ten dimensions rather than the humdrum four of the space-time we can normally perceive. This has now been proven to be correct.

According to the data accompanying the picture, one of the unprecedentedly powerful 7 tera-electron-volt (TeV) collisions which began at the LHC just two days ago generated a pair of supersymmetric particles which then broke down via muon decay. This caused a small 283 giga-electron-volt energy discharge to be emitted transversely out of our four-dimensional spacetime and into the fifth dimension.

So much had long been expected by physicists. Sergio Bertolucci, Director for Research and Scientific Computing at CERN, told the Reg last year that he anticipated the opening of hyperdimensional "doors" during high-energy LHC collisions.

"Out of this door might come something, or we might send something through it," said the physicist, on that occasion.

Bertolucci expected that such doors would be sub-subatomic in size, and only exist for ultra-tiny instants of time - 10-26 seconds - in line with the data passed to us by the LHC-watchers.

Excited by the supersymmetry tipoff, we here on the Reg hyperboffinry desk contacted a high-level insider source at CERN in Switzerland regarding the event - and found we didn't know the half of it.

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk

More from The Register

next story
GRAV WAVE DRAMA: 'Big Bang echo' may have been grit on the scanner – boffins
Exit Planet Dust on faster-than-light expansion of universe
SpaceX Dragon cargo truck flies 3D printer to ISS: Clawdown in 3, 2...
Craft berths at space station with supplies, experiments, toys
That glass of water you just drank? It was OLDER than the SUN
One MEELLION years older. Some of it anyway
Big dinosaur wowed females with its ENORMOUS HOOTER
That's right, Doris, I've got biggest snout in the prehistoric world
Japanese volcano eruption reportedly leaves 31 people presumed dead
Hopes fade of finding survivors on Mount Ontake
Relive the death of Earth over and over again in Extinction Game
Apocalypse now, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that ...
prev story

Whitepapers

A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Beginner's guide to SSL certificates
De-mystify the technology involved and give you the information you need to make the best decision when considering your online security options.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.