Feeds

DIMENSIONAL PORTAL INCURSION AT THE LHC!

Elite troops confront 'response' to 7 TeV collisions

The next step in data security

April Fools In shock news, it has emerged that recent record-breaking increases in particle ring energy achieved at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) - the most powerful atomsmasher ever assembled by the human race - have caused a hyperdimensional portal leading to an inhabited parallel universe to open up deep beneath Switzerland, in what may be the opening move of a cross-continuum invasion campaign.

A secret international task force of special-forces troops is said to be assembling at the Collider to deal with a 'response' from the fifth dimension to a hyperdimensional energy discharge emitted from the LHC.

Supersymmetry event detected at the ATLAS experiment

Imagery of the initial supersymmetry event passed to us by online enthusiasts.

The opening of the dimensional gateway is being kept subject to a governmental news blackout to avoid a global panic. However, keen amateur LHC-watching enthusiasts, familiar with the many internal websites used to run and monitor the mighty Collider, stumbled across imagery last night confirming that a "supersymmetric" event had taken place following a particle collision inside the huge, subterranean ATLAS instrument cavern.

Supersymmetry, in layman's terms, is a phenomenon called for by a theory in physics which states that there are actually ten dimensions rather than the humdrum four of the space-time we can normally perceive. This has now been proven to be correct.

According to the data accompanying the picture, one of the unprecedentedly powerful 7 tera-electron-volt (TeV) collisions which began at the LHC just two days ago generated a pair of supersymmetric particles which then broke down via muon decay. This caused a small 283 giga-electron-volt energy discharge to be emitted transversely out of our four-dimensional spacetime and into the fifth dimension.

So much had long been expected by physicists. Sergio Bertolucci, Director for Research and Scientific Computing at CERN, told the Reg last year that he anticipated the opening of hyperdimensional "doors" during high-energy LHC collisions.

"Out of this door might come something, or we might send something through it," said the physicist, on that occasion.

Bertolucci expected that such doors would be sub-subatomic in size, and only exist for ultra-tiny instants of time - 10-26 seconds - in line with the data passed to us by the LHC-watchers.

Excited by the supersymmetry tipoff, we here on the Reg hyperboffinry desk contacted a high-level insider source at CERN in Switzerland regarding the event - and found we didn't know the half of it.

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

More from The Register

next story
SCREW YOU, Russia! NASA lobs $6.8bn at Boeing AND SpaceX to run space station taxis
Musk charging nearly half as much as Boeing for crew trips
Boffins say they've got Lithium batteries the wrong way around
Surprises at the nano-scale mean our ideas about how they charge could be all wrong
Thought that last dinosaur was BIG? This one's bloody ENORMOUS
Weighed several adult elephants, contend boffins
Edge Research Lab to tackle chilly LOHAN's final test flight
Our US allies to probe potential Vulture 2 servo freeze
Europe prepares to INVADE comet: Rosetta landing site chosen
No word yet on whether backup site is labelled 'K'
India's MOM Mars mission makes final course correction
Mangalyaan probe will feel the burn of orbital insertion on September 24th
Cracked it - Vulture 2 power podule fires servos for 4 HOURS
Pixhawk avionics juice issue sorted, onwards to Spaceport America
City hidden beneath England's Stonehenge had HUMAN ABATTOIR. And a pub
Boozed-up ancients drank beer before tearing corpses apart
prev story

Whitepapers

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk
A single remote control platform for user support is be key to providing an efficient helpdesk. Retain full control over the way in which screen and keystroke data is transmitted.
WIN a very cool portable ZX Spectrum
Win a one-off portable Spectrum built by legendary hardware hacker Ben Heck
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Security and trust: The backbone of doing business over the internet
Explores the current state of website security and the contributions Symantec is making to help organizations protect critical data and build trust with customers.