How chavvy is your town? Find out with the ASBOrometer
Why can't it be more like a gay cruising app?
Just what you never knew you needed, the ASBOrometer, an app for iPhones and Android devices, which lets you know how many people with antisocial behaviour orders there are in your neighbourhood.
Here is an application to make you feel lucky and superior or depressed about impending ghettofication, for which we thank Jeff Gilfelt, a software developer, who scraped the info from data released by Direct.gov.
Britain is justifiably famous for its hooligans and we are inordinately proud of them when they go to war on our government's behalf. We shed collective tears when they fall in battle.
Other times, their noisy, chavvy ways annoy the crap out of the rest of us.
Yes, class warfare is alive and well in the UK, a country where the washed masses try and fail to corral a "feral underclass".
You can't. What, then? This is where the ASBOrometer could come into its own. If we could combine something like Grindr, a gay cruising iphone app pimped by media luvvie Stephen Fry on Top Gear, with ASBO names, faces and possibly addresses, we have a tool that tells us when we should cross the road to the other side. Or organise a get-out-of-town party.
Let's drop the pretence that the Asbo is a civil legal instrument and place an electronic ankle tag on the offender - that's what they are, right? - and rig it up to his phone, which must be kept switched on at all times. Or else...
ASBOs ... what a waste of time...
"For how can you compete,
Being honour bred, with one
Who, were it proved he lies,
Were neither shamed in his own
Nor in his neighbours' eyes?"
British gay men are very found of chavs (aka scallies) because of their bad boys attitude. Dress up as a chav and your Gaydar (a well known UK gay dating site) inbox will be flowing with invitations. There are even Gay scallies nights in various gay clubs up and down this country. So it seems this app kills 2 birds with 1 stone. If I could morally convince myself to give my cash to Apple and get an iJesusPhone, I would immediately get this app and go happy hunting!
An app for this?
I'd never have guessed that my borough, Newham, would come top in such a prestigious contest. Really. These days it's known as "the olympic borough", or as the council keep on insisting in spite of all evidence to the contrary, "A place people choose to work and live", although an increasing number are choosing to work, live, socialise, be sick, or just go for a walk etc just about anywhere else they can manage; they tend to use less charitable slogans.
But wait! There's more!! Guess which borough has the highest percentage of Labour councillors in the whole of the UK? And an avowedly NEW Labour executive Mayor? You guessed it - Newham! After the 1994 local elections it actually hit 100% when the solitary elected Lib Dem switched to Labour at the first post election council meeting. It's down a few now at 90 percent, the other 10percent being ex labour or Christian Peoples alliance. Newham is to Labour what Wandsworth was to the Tories.
So... 47.9 percent have ASBOs. 90 percent of councillors are Labour. The mayor is very New Labour. The MPs are all Labour.
I leave you to join the dots.
I want an app
That tells me how many cretins there are in my town with iPhones.
"Unable to parse JSON string at common.js (line 7)"
"Error messages will only be displayed during development. When your app is packaged for final distribution, no error screen will appear. Test your code!"
Oh dear :)