Thanks, I'll have one. I only need a telephone, not a wanking status symbol to annoy people with.

Thank you very much, I'll have one. I only need a telephone, not a wanking status symbol to annoy people with.

I've had mobile/cell phones of all types since their inception. And before the cell phone I had a Motorola brick in the car (if you don't know what that is then you're only a cell phone neophyte). I've used all the different gadgets and attention-seeking crap that comes with the latest phones 3G etc .etc. and most of it is ineffective, expensive junk to show off with.

1. On my 3G, I have had both SMS and Internet access turned off at the telco, they're just a waste of time money. For starters, the keys and screen are too small and fiddly to use it successfully. Moreover, SMS is the greatest rip-off of all time (as I've pointed out previously on these pages, NASA can get the same ASCII text across the solar system for less cost per byte than you can get the same SMS message the lounge room).

1.1 SMS, originally designed for telco maintenance purposes, is so limited that it's nigh on useless for anything serious. Of course, the lower your IQ the more you'll use it.

1.2 SMS is addictive and dangerous--between people walking into glass doors and crashing whilst driving, SMS is a damn danger. I'm not worried about the idiots who use SMS whilst driving but I am worried about them running into me. SMS used by someone else is a danger to me. OK!

2. Ergonomically, Internet-access cell phones are a real mess, Internet access from them, whether email or the Web, is essentially useless as the screen is so small. Even netbook PCs have a problem with the vertical resolution being insufficient (normally netbooks are 600px high and you usually need a minimum of 768 for most Web pages). If you are using Web access on a cell phone for any serious work then you're kidding yourself. More than likely, the only 'serious' Internet work your cell phone will ever get is when you enter mine's-bigger-than-yours competitions with mates in the pub or restaurant (whilst annoying other patrons). If you do need to access the Internet whilst on the fly, then I'd suggest you contact a time management consultant.

2.1 Accessing email and Web pages via cell phones whilst driving is just as dangerous as SMS texting whilst driving (again, I've a vested interest in that you don't run into me). Only last week I saw a bloke very nearly killed as he obliviously walked across a 6-lane road whilst SMS texting. Vehicles went everywhere to avoid him (unfortunately this type of incident is now commonplace.)

2.2 It is impossible to turn off the Internet and SMS access in many 3G mobile/cell phones. And even if you have Internet access disarmed at the telco the damn things still insist in trying to contact the now 'non-existent' Web. Of course, this annoying automatic Web connecting is set up to charge you every time the phone goes though a Web-seeking exercise.

2.3 Haven't time here to discuss all the other techie issues about cell phone ergonomics--or the lack thereof, nor of the serious problem of Internet and cell phone addiction. Now recognized as a large social problem. And I'll just briefly mention the annoyance that cell phone users cause to others in public places by using them at inappropriate times.

2.4 Do you have cell phone addiction? Try this test: if you left home without your cell phone and you were about a mile away before you realise it, would you turn back or not? If so, you've a social problem. Sorry.

2.5 These time-wasting, distracting, addictive buggery boxes are designed to not only waste time but primarily to fleece out of you as much money as is humanly possible. Yet, having such a wanky toy for many users (suckers) makes them think they're being hip. How mistaken they are, as with all fashion, time will come when the cell phone will be about as popular as the once-fashionable cigarette.

2.6. If you really must play with the Internet in public then buy a 3G connected netbook, at least it's practical and usable (and they're unlikely to come with a name that's associated with silkworm food).

2.7 If you disagree with my comments--and I'm sure many will--then ask yourself what you did before you had an Internet-connected cell phone--right, how did you ever cope without one [but you did somehow]. Second, if you find yourself flaunting your cell phone and/or Internet addiction in public or at inappropriate times then I'd suggest that you carefully examine your lifestyle. You may eventually realize how stupid and dumb you really look glued to a little plastic box in public. You might even realize how it's stuffing up your life too.

In the meantime, I'll be very satisfied with a single-function, voice-only, portable telephone which I can use in an emergency.