Feeds

BOFH: The PFY Chronicles

The underdog's on top... or sidling upwards, at least

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Next gen security for virtualised datacentres

Episode 1

It’s a bleak morning in Mission Control. Even the Boss’s normal expression of guilty ignorance is replaced by one that could almost be mistaken for loss...

"Dead?" he asks quietly.

"I'm afraid so," I respond.

"But... he was doing so well."

"He was, but then that dodgy life support machine switched itself off."

"I thought they replaced that?"

"They did, but the new one turned itself off too."

"I know, but I thought they replaced that one too?"

"They did, but the third one had the same problem. And the fourth."

"And when did it... happen?"

"Last night," I say. "Apparently someone turned his TV on and he... passed on... the moment the Coronation Street theme tune started. You'll be going to the funeral of course?"

"What?"

"Well I just assumed - you know, an employee killed in the workplace by an unreported workplace hazard. Might look a little... cold... if someone from the company didn't show. I assume you've spoken to his relatives about compensation already?"

"Compensation?" the Director blurts.

"Ah," I say "So you're after the FRONT page of some seamy tabloid as opposed to page 7."

"I don't understand."

"You know, 'Widow shafted by cruel company' - that sort of thing."

"Simon wasn't married!"

"Yes, I'm sure the tabloids will report that correctly," I say unconvincingly.

"So what do you suggest?"

"That one of you talks to the next of kin while the other goes to the funeral."

"I'll do the next of kin," the Director blurts hastily. "Philip - you can take the funeral."

. . . Two days later . . .

“I suppose we’d better be going then,” the Boss mutters quietly, adjusting the Windsor on his grey tie from ½ mast to ¾ windpipe. "Well, I suppose we have to move on.”

“Indeed,” I say, glancing up at the clock. “The service is at 10.”

The drive to the church was punctuated only by the occasional sniff from the Boss – no doubt more concerned about the possibility of a lynching thatn the departed.

. . . Later. . .

"It's surprising and humbling when you realise how little you know about people," the Boss says as we're driving to the graveside while the rest of the masses indulge in canapés at the after-match function. "I mean, who'd have guessed that Simon had a Doctorate in Applied Linguistics? And his annual pilgrimage to Nepal - I thought he just went to Oktoberfest. It just shows you..."

What it shows you is that a sad by-product of the one-upmanship of a group of geeks is that each tries to outdo the others at eulogy time. Luckily the speakers ran out before anyone could mention his presidency-for-life of MENSA, his tireless work on the cancellation of third world debt and his selfless patronage of the arts.

"It certainly does," I agree as we pull up at the cemetery. "But I guess time moves on and we have to make plans for the future. Speaking of which - what are we doing about Simon's replacement?"

"Oh I've put out some feelers," the Boss says as we trundle over to the graveside ahead of the hearse. "I've got a couple of pals in the industry who have a couple of prospects that they think might fit in quite well."

"Really?" I say. "So you weren't thinking of... appointing from within."

"Gosh, no," the Boss says with characteristic tact.

"I see."

. . . Half an hour later . . .

"Thought I might pop along after all," the Director says, sidling up to the grave after the mourners have departed. "I was talking to one of his friends after the funeral - Did you know Simon was considered for the Nobel peace prize for some poetry that he wrote?"

"I know," I say "He was an inspiration to us all."

"I would have thought Philip would have turned up though?"

"He said he'd be here but he had to go see a travel agent about something."

"So he's not hiding behind the tractor for fear of his life then?"

"Backhoe."

"Pardon?"

"It's a Backhoe, not a tractor."

"What's the difference?"

"To you? One goes chugga chugga chugga and the other goes brrrm brrrm brrrm."

"I see," the Director says, not impressed, picking up a handful of dirt.

"Anyway," I say, "time moves on and we have to make plans for the future. Speaking of which - what are we doing about Simon's replacement?"

"I've rung a few people - and I think I might have found an ideal candidate. An old school chum who was quite high up in Apple for a time. I thought I'd give him a call later and see if he wants to pop in for an interv..."

>Nudge<

> Thud <

>BRRMMMM< >BRRRMMM< >BRMMMMM<

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
HP busts out new ProLiant Gen9 servers
Think those are cool? Wait till you get a load of our racks
Shoot-em-up: Sony Online Entertainment hit by 'large scale DDoS attack'
Games disrupted as firm struggles to control network
Community chest: Storage firms need to pay open-source debts
Samba implementation? Time to get some devs on the job
Like condoms, data now comes in big and HUGE sizes
Linux Foundation lights a fire under storage devs with new conference
Silicon Valley jolted by magnitude 6.1 quake – its biggest in 25 years
Did the earth move for you at VMworld – oh, OK. It just did. A lot
Forrester says it's time to give up on physical storage arrays
The physical/virtual storage tipping point may just have arrived
prev story

Whitepapers

5 things you didn’t know about cloud backup
IT departments are embracing cloud backup, but there’s a lot you need to know before choosing a service provider. Learn all the critical things you need to know.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Backing up Big Data
Solving backup challenges and “protect everything from everywhere,” as we move into the era of big data management and the adoption of BYOD.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?