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Remote tribe discovered worshipping iPad

It came to me in a dream, claims shaman elder

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Anthropologists claim to have contacted a remote Papua New Guinea tribe which worships a crude effigy of an Apple iPad crafted from the bark of a sacred tree.

That humans bow at the altar of Jobs is nothing new, but what makes the case of the Ka'zi exceptional is that the tribe has until now had no contact with the outside world, no technology of any kind, and therefore no scientifically-explicable means of knowing of the iPad's existence.

Professor Hugh Macbucks, who led the expedition deep into PNG's virgin rainforest, explained: "It really is quite remarkable. When we first enterered the Ka'zi village, the tribe was completely occupied offering various forest fruits and baskets of fish to a representation of Apple's paradigm-busting iPad.

"The effigy itself was hewn from the i'Wannitt tree, known to science as Cupertinus fanboisia, and renowned for the potion brewed from its leaves which induces a state of wild enthusiasm, although simultaneously numbing your critical faculties."

Macbucks continued: "The tribe's shaman elder explained that under the influence of i'foria, as the drug is known, he was visited by a superhuman being with a beard, a forehead of polished ivory and four eyes who described to him a magic tablet which would bring about a rebirth of humanity and the dawning of a new age of inter-tribal peace and understanding."

"In fact, Ka'zi legend tells of such a divinity - a man who transcends the mere mortal to open all the doors behind which lies wonders beyond imagination, such as enchanting music and magic communications tools allowing, for example, the Ka'zi to share their everyday lives in brief bursts of 140 characters or less."

The professor proposed that Apple had indeed transcended the worldly and was now operating in a state of pure energy from which it could plug its products directly to susceptible minds.

He noted: "Even we in the sophisticated West are sometimes inexplicably struck by the sudden desire to acquire an Apple product, regardless of cost. A primitive Ka'zi brain, therefore, is fully open to suggestion, even when it isn't operating in an i'foria-induced fug."

Macbucks concluded that the Ka'zi have, since their first contact with civilisation last month, fully embraced all the benefits the 21st century has to offer. "When I last saw them," he said, "they'd already bought some Avatar memorabilia on eBay, subscribed to a celebrity upskirt website and established a Facebook group protesting at having to stump extra for the iPad with 3G connectivity." ®

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