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Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Daytime Delighter ♥♠♣♥♦ Say goodbye to missed world daytime TV misery with this handy downloading utility. From France, home of the world's greatest cuisine, comes 'How to eke out your Christmas horse into the third week of February'. From volcanic Iceland, former home of your county council's money, comes a That's Life tribute item: a selection of the most amusingly-shaped pumice stones of the week. From England, we have Jeremy Kyle. Hmm.

The Morning After ♥ Did you make a bit of a night of it last night? Can't keep your coffee in its cup? Put your DTs to work by downloading The Morning After. TMA uses your phone's accelerometer to monitor your fumbling and trembling, and plots a 3D representation of the damage you have done to your liver.

Palm Pre Time Drift Patch ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ This welcome-but-fictional patch patches WebOS 1.3.5 so that your, or rather my, Palm Pre's clock doesn't drift about 90 seconds per day into the future, despite being set to auto-synchronise with network time. In actual fact, the damn thing only synchronises on reboot, which I have to do daily. (Did you detect a grossly unprofessional, abusive-of-position and rather bitter and pathetic attempt to encourage Palm to fix its rotten software, instead of just meekly standing in line at the bug tracking counter with everybody else? You did? Jolly well spotted.)

Traveller's Companion ♥♥♥♥♥ Rather innocent and old-fashioned amusement for regular railway commuters: this app uses Bluetooth and GPS to query the ring tones on all the phones in the same carriage as you, establishing which is the most obnoxious. Then it calls that phone. An upgraded version for theatre-goers remotely overrides the 'Silent' setting too.

Teenage Tamer ♥♥♥♥♥ We all love our young people, and admire and respect their fantastic academic record, but it can be no laughing matter to find oneself in a crowd of them, being threatened by their aggressive trousers-falling-down dress sense and their admiration for Christopher Moyles. Now science has come up with the answer. It turns out that certain sound frequencies are irritating and off-putting to those younger than 20, but are inaudible or actually quite pleasant and harmonious to the more mature. By broadcasting sound on these frequencies, Teenage Tamer makes it possible to walk through shopping malls and even sit down on park benches without being molested. Requires Classic FM internet feed. ®

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