Feeds

Verity Stob's App Store

Immature Content

Security for virtualized datacentres

Stob You have had your Sweet iJesus NexPreDroidBerry smart-like-hell-when-you-get-the-statement-phone for a month or so now. Perhaps the novelty has worn off a device that's much more difficult to use than its primitive predecessor, and which eats its battery charge faster than a New Year's resolution breaker munching an economy-sized bar of fruit-and-nut.

But we're here to help. Pep up the pride of your pocket with something fresh from the great software producers of the world. At Laboratoires Stob, we've been testing the newest, phoniest apps, and have compiled this list.

Fartings' Finest Fifty♥♥♥♥ Compilation package of the top 50 farting apps that you really must use before you die, as opposed to the 20,000 or so lower quality farting applications you might choose to put to one side until after that particular trauma. Includes Bubble Bath Hilarity, Elevator Surprise IV and the best-selling FartSMS, voted #1 fart texting app of 2009 by Birmingham's under-19s. Previously released as That's What I Call Farting 42.

Quickie Sickie ♥♥♥♥♥ Phone professionals, such as double-glazing salesmen and the bogus lottery win robot, always sound bright and cheerful, and don't we all enjoy the refreshment of the soul that their voices bring? But there are certain telephone calls that one makes from time to time when it pays to come across at rather less than 100%. I refer to those 'difficult' calls that one makes to force a manual correction to an out-of-whack work/life balance. For these, there is Quickie Sickie

As well as lowering the register of your voice by a minor third, and converting terminal consonants to 'b' ('Sorry Mister Jarvib bub I really dobe feel bery well'), the registered version decorates each pause with those delicate squelching noises associated with excess, poorly-controlled snot. As recommended by the X, where you should substitute 'X' according to your experience and prejudices: for example with the builder who is supposedly doing your new kitchen, or the train driver on the 18:20 to Newcastle.

Small Animal Vet ♥♥♥♥♥ He may be the family's best friend, but when your dog gets ill, things can get pricey quickly. Although nowadays anybody can learn to be an expert vet in about five minutes, thanks to Wikipedia, it can be hard to get good results without the 'real' veterinary surgeon's fancy equipment. But we say endoscope-schmendoscope! Simply train the patient to swallow your phone - actually easily accomplished even without Wikspertise in our experience - and the software will transmit via 802.11n live camera pictures to your laptop for speedy diagnosis. (Many thanks to everybody for helping me get through that distasteful item without using the elementary/alimentary pun that seemed inevitable around sentence two.)

Greengrocer's' Zodiac ♥♥♥♥ Predict the fate of fresh fruit consumables by examining the star sign of their sell-by dates. Simply photograph each item in your fruit bowl, and this item will apply its top horoscopology algorithm to find out what Auntie Fate has in store for them. Sample: 'You will lie down with a tall, yellow stranger and wake up with a shrivelled black stranger'. Requires EAN-13 barcoded fruit.

Pocket Climate Change Sceptic ♥♥♥♥♥♥ This app uses GPS to establish your current location to within about 3m, then 'mashes up' this data with the Met Office's RSS pages, to determine the Met Office Weather Warnings appropriate to your location. Then it simply redisplays the text of these, appending the words 'So much for so-called global warming, then' to each one. Don't forget to click the link to check out the Met Office's long-range barbeque winter kit.

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

More from The Register

next story
Microsoft WINDOWS 10: Seven ATE Nine. Or Eight did really
Windows NEIN skipped, tech preview due out on Wednesday
Business is back, baby! Hasta la VISTA, Win 8... Oh, yeah, Windows 9
Forget touchscreen millennials, Microsoft goes for mouse crowd
Apple: SO sorry for the iOS 8.0.1 UPDATE BUNGLE HORROR
Apple kills 'upgrade'. Hey, Microsoft. You sure you want to be like these guys?
ARM gives Internet of Things a piece of its mind – the Cortex-M7
32-bit core packs some DSP for VIP IoT CPU LOL
Microsoft on the Threshold of a new name for Windows next week
Rebranded OS reportedly set to be flung open by Redmond
Lotus Notes inventor Ozzie invents app to talk to people on your phone
Imagine that. Startup floats with voice collab app for Win iPhone
'Google is NOT the gatekeeper to the web, as some claim'
Plus: 'Pretty sure iOS 8.0.2 will just turn the iPhone into a fax machine'
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.
The next step in data security
With recent increased privacy concerns and computers becoming more powerful, the chance of hackers being able to crack smaller-sized RSA keys increases.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.