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Security for virtualized datacentres

Stob You have had your Sweet iJesus NexPreDroidBerry smart-like-hell-when-you-get-the-statement-phone for a month or so now. Perhaps the novelty has worn off a device that's much more difficult to use than its primitive predecessor, and which eats its battery charge faster than a New Year's resolution breaker munching an economy-sized bar of fruit-and-nut.

But we're here to help. Pep up the pride of your pocket with something fresh from the great software producers of the world. At Laboratoires Stob, we've been testing the newest, phoniest apps, and have compiled this list.

Fartings' Finest Fifty♥♥♥♥ Compilation package of the top 50 farting apps that you really must use before you die, as opposed to the 20,000 or so lower quality farting applications you might choose to put to one side until after that particular trauma. Includes Bubble Bath Hilarity, Elevator Surprise IV and the best-selling FartSMS, voted #1 fart texting app of 2009 by Birmingham's under-19s. Previously released as That's What I Call Farting 42.

Quickie Sickie ♥♥♥♥♥ Phone professionals, such as double-glazing salesmen and the bogus lottery win robot, always sound bright and cheerful, and don't we all enjoy the refreshment of the soul that their voices bring? But there are certain telephone calls that one makes from time to time when it pays to come across at rather less than 100%. I refer to those 'difficult' calls that one makes to force a manual correction to an out-of-whack work/life balance. For these, there is Quickie Sickie

As well as lowering the register of your voice by a minor third, and converting terminal consonants to 'b' ('Sorry Mister Jarvib bub I really dobe feel bery well'), the registered version decorates each pause with those delicate squelching noises associated with excess, poorly-controlled snot. As recommended by the X, where you should substitute 'X' according to your experience and prejudices: for example with the builder who is supposedly doing your new kitchen, or the train driver on the 18:20 to Newcastle.

Small Animal Vet ♥♥♥♥♥ He may be the family's best friend, but when your dog gets ill, things can get pricey quickly. Although nowadays anybody can learn to be an expert vet in about five minutes, thanks to Wikipedia, it can be hard to get good results without the 'real' veterinary surgeon's fancy equipment. But we say endoscope-schmendoscope! Simply train the patient to swallow your phone - actually easily accomplished even without Wikspertise in our experience - and the software will transmit via 802.11n live camera pictures to your laptop for speedy diagnosis. (Many thanks to everybody for helping me get through that distasteful item without using the elementary/alimentary pun that seemed inevitable around sentence two.)

Greengrocer's' Zodiac ♥♥♥♥ Predict the fate of fresh fruit consumables by examining the star sign of their sell-by dates. Simply photograph each item in your fruit bowl, and this item will apply its top horoscopology algorithm to find out what Auntie Fate has in store for them. Sample: 'You will lie down with a tall, yellow stranger and wake up with a shrivelled black stranger'. Requires EAN-13 barcoded fruit.

Pocket Climate Change Sceptic ♥♥♥♥♥♥ This app uses GPS to establish your current location to within about 3m, then 'mashes up' this data with the Met Office's RSS pages, to determine the Met Office Weather Warnings appropriate to your location. Then it simply redisplays the text of these, appending the words 'So much for so-called global warming, then' to each one. Don't forget to click the link to check out the Met Office's long-range barbeque winter kit.

Security for virtualized datacentres

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