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Yanks floored by nail guns, computers and baseballs

Hospital emergency room shockers revealed online

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

We're very much obliged to the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, which has produced a handy online guide detailing just what kind of damage our accident-prone American cousins managed to sustain between 1991 and 2008.

The data is gathered by the "National Electronic Injury Surveillance System" (NEISS) and represents a "sample of 100 hospital emergency rooms in the United States and its territories".

Florida's Sun Sentinel has posted a searchable full list of the more than 274,000 injuries reported in 2008, which immediately reveals that Americans really are nailgunning themselves towards extinction:

39YO WHITE MALE USING NAIL GUN-NAIL WENT THROUGH L 5TH DIGIT-DID PULL NAIL OUT BY SELF,DX PUNCTURE WOUND TO FINGER

25 YO MALE ACCIDENT SHOT NAIL GUN IN STOMACH F/B STOMACH

C/O IMPAILED NAILS IN R WRIST. PT DROPPED A NAIL GUN & IT FIRED TWICE. FB (NAILS) R WRIST.

37YOM AT HOME USING A NAIL GUN ACCIDENTLY SHOT NAIL INTO FOOT WAS WEARING TENNIS SHOES;PUNCTURED WOUND LT FOOT

A trawl of computer-related mishaps, meanwhile, demonstrates that IT is also doing its bit to cull the population:

(17-year-old male) ATTEMPTED TO BLINDLY PLUG COMPUTER IN SOCKET OR POWER BAR OUTLET,STUCK FINGER IN OUTLET,T-SHIRT WET W/SWEAT AT TIME, SHOCKED THRU FINGER;SHOCK

38YOF WENT TO SIT DOWN ON A LOW COMPUTER CHAIR WITH WHEELS,MISSED IT FELL STRIKING TAILBONE;COCCYX FRACTURE

(30-year-old female) PT SAT ON A FUNNY STOOL FOR FIVE HOURS WHILE USING THE COMPUTER AND DEV ELOPED SEVERE LOWER BACK PAIN STRAINED BACK

(12-year-old male) SITTING @ COMPUTER DESK&MOM ACCIDENTALLY DROVE THE MV INTO THE HOUSE,PU SHING THE DESK INTO PT'S CHEST WALL>>CONTS/ABRS

(65-year-old male) PT SUSTAINED A LACERATION OF A HAND WHEN STRIKING A BOOKSHELF IN FRUSTR ATION WITH COMPUTER AT HOME.

19 YOM HIT HIS COMPUTER 4-5 TIMES SUSTAINING A FRACTURED HAND

Well, we can all relate to that. If you can resist punching your PC for a few minutes, we invite you to enjoy this randomly-selected pick of highlights:

11 MTH OLD F ACCDENTIAL INGESTION CHILD ATE UNKNOWN AMT OF BIKINI ZONE GEL

(8-year-old male) "TRYING TO BE IRON MAN" AND JUMPED OFF OF A DECK 10FT HIGH. DX SPRAIN R/L FOREARM

35 YOM STATES VAGUELY REMEMBERS PUNCHING BEDROOM WINDOW IN HIS SLEEP, S USTAINED MULTIPLE SEVERE LACERATIONS TO RIGHT HAND INVOLVING TENDONS

(52-year-old female) ABSCESS OF RIGHT GREAT TOE - PATIENT MAY HAVE DROPPED A CAN OF VEGETABLES ON IT.

19 YO MALE HAS FUNGAL RASH FROM WRESTLING WHERE HE SHAVES PUBIC HAIR DERMATITIS

71 YOM WAS CARRYING A CASE OF BEER WHILE WALKING WITH HIS WALKER, TRIPP ED AND FELL SUSTAINING FACIAL CONTUSIONS AND A CHEEK LACERATION

Good on you, old timer. Better to go down to a case of beer than a case of, well...

64Y/O,M,HAD SEXUAL FANTASY, PUT COAT HANGER IN PENIS, HANGER BROKE,ADM FOREIGN BODY IN PENIS

Ouch. And if that doesn't make your eyes water, try these for size:

PATIENT GOT FORESKIN OF PENIS CAUGHT IN ZIPPER OF PANTS, NOT WEARING UN DERWEAR, CANNOT RELEASE SKIN; SKIN REMOVED

BEE STING/61YOM KNOCKED BEE HIVE OVER AND GOT STUNG ON PENIS WHEN BEE F LEW UP HIS SHORTS.

(16-year-old male) "DRY HUMPING HIS GIRLFRIEND" W/PENIS RUBBING AGAINST HER JEANS,ACTIVITY WENT ON FOR EXTENDED PERIOD,PENIS STARTED BLEEDING DX: ABRASIONS PENIS

Crikey. Finally, for the benefit of our female readers, here are a few things you shouldn't try at home:

(34-year-old female) PLAYING A GUITAR,STUMBLED,FELL BACKWARD ONTO UNCAPPED BEER BOTTLE ,WHCH CONTACTED PERINEAL AREA,BOTTLE INTACT DX: COMPLEX VAGINAL LAC

(70-year-old who) PUT A DEODORANT BOTTLE INTO HER VAGINA AND THE CAP IS STILL STUCK INSIDE. DX FOREIGN BODY VAGINA / REMOVED

(31-year-old female) BOYFRIEND INSERTED A BASEBALL IN HER VAGINA 4 HOURS AGO UNABLE TO REMOVAL BASEBALL FOREIGN BODY VAGINA REMOVAL

®

Bootnote

Thanks to Mike Richards for the tip-off.

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