BeautifulPeople shun hairy Reg hack
Just not beautiful enough for Aryan online club
It's with a heavy heart that I today report I've been given the elbow by BeautifulPeople.com  - the exclusive lovely-people-only website which invites potential members to prove themselves worthy of entry to the elite club by posting a fetching snap and short profile.
Once you've made your pitch, existing members rate you as "Yes definitely", "Hmmm yes, OK", "Hmmm no, not really" and "NO definitely NOT". If you fail to make the grade within 48 hours, you're out on your ear.
BeautifulPeople opened for business in Denmark in 2002, and has since progressively spread worldwide, finally going global on 26 October this year. To date, it has rejected "nearly 1.8 million people from 190 countries".
That this hack is among those given the cold shoulder comes as no surprise. The Telegraph notes that since Brits were first allowed to access the service in 2005, 295,000 of the UK's finest have laid out their stall, but just 12 per cent of blokes and 15 per cent of women among them have made the grade.
This compares very unfavourably indeed to the most successful races: Swedish men boast an acceptance rate of 65 per cent, while 76 per cent of Norwegian women are deemed passable.
BeautifulPeople's managing director Greg Hodge said: "Asking why British people are doing so badly is a tough question. It hurts me - I'm English.
"I think there is less emphasis on appearance in the UK than overseas. If you go to some countries they are very into how they look - very health and body conscious.
"The UK attitude is a bit more about kicking back and relaxing, and having a few drinks in the pub after work."
True enough, although I'm still trying to work out just why a skinful of lager and a kebab following a hard day's graft makes me less beautiful than some svelte Norwegian bird with her improbably blue eyes and 6ft Aryan frame.
Readers are invited to judge for themselves. Here's my pitch:
Ok, so I wasn't strictly honest with my name or photo, buy hey, I wouldn't be the first one . Time to add a few details, and I'm ready to join the party:
Or not, because here's the brush-off:
Dear Presumido Garcia
Unfortunately, your application to BeautifulPeople was unsuccessful.
The members of BeautifulPeople didn't find your profile sufficiently attractive on this occasion.
You're more than welcome to try again presenting a better photo of yourself.
Well, I'm tempted to have another pop, because let's face it who wouldn't want to mix it up with humanity's most outstanding specimens? On the other hand, I could just forget the whole thing and sod off to the boozer... ®