El Reg shrinks seven days onto one webpage

Attention span not required

Week in Review As a service to our with readers with (particularly) short attention spans, we at The Reg have squeezed the week that was into a single webpage. Or at least most of it. Before your attention drifts elsewhere, we should get to it:

Jimmy Wales is awarded a €10,000 prize, Carly Fiorina stands for US Senate, Esther Dyson gets NASA gig, Bill Gates is serenaded by Bono, H Ross Perot Jr loses his rhino, Anna Friel avoids ralph, a Minnesota mum-to-be plans TV labor, and Vint Cerf envisions shared mobile airwaves, prepares for interplanetary interwebs, and says that Google doesn't know who you are.

Metrotextuals come out of the closet, the terminally ill are happier if they abandon hope, net-using Yanks misplace their friends, animal lovers rally to defend irradiated monkeys, and people who search rather than browse the web remember more of what they find.

US unemployment tops ten per cent while chips sales upgrade from terrible to bad. Nokia Siemens cuts 6,000 jobs, Microsoft axes 800, and Novell trims between 100 and 130. Fujitsu workers in the UK plan to strike.

Cisco Systems, EMC, and VMware announce a partnership while Cisco plays hardball with Tandberg. GFI Software buys SORBS, T-Mobile and Orange ink a merger agreement, and the Rackable-SGI combo posts revenue gains while profits dip.

Cisco's profits slip 19 per cent while the company predicts better days ahead, Adaptec's CEO faces ucertain furure after dreadful results, and GlobalFoundries chairman Hector Ruiz takes a "voluntary" leave of absence.

Windows 7, still virus-vulnerable, sells reasonably well but fails to rake in gobs of cash. Redmond raises the price of the SQL Server and says worms are resurging.

IBM gives i/OS a facelift, discounts its Power engines, and embarrasses itself when the Congestion Charge system crashes, a unified communications software demo flops, and Texas dumps its IBM-provided voter registration system.

Apple's Steve Jobs is honored as Fortune's CEO of the Decade after Cupertino is accused then unaccused of killing Atom support in its next OS rev. A Mac game deletes a file every time a player destroys an alien ship.

The iPhone gets Marvel Comics, 100,000 apps, a data-gobbling bug, a cool reception in China, and a vague rumor about its next iteration. A new hack sets it free and a Dutch hacker relents on his threat to extort jailbreakers.

HTC launches a WinMo phone, Motorola's upgraded Droid will be called the Milestone in Europe, and The Reg reviews the Sony Ericsson S312, T-Mobile Pulse, and Samsung Galaxy i7500. Sony Ericsson renames 'Rachael' the Android Xperia.

Nokia will shut down N-Gage, T-Mobile says there's money to be made in mobile service, Opera betas a Symbian browser, and Orange's iPhone won't save you money but the company will pay cash for old kit.

Most touchscreen users want buttons, a fifth of iPhone users watch porn on their handhelds, and the Advertising Standards Authority says that the depiction of "STRONG REAL SEX" is not pornographic.

Yanks and fruit bats enjoy oral sex, a Hong Kong truckdriver is a manipulative cad (even in Lego form), orgasms can cause amnesia, hot-tub injuries are skyrocketing, and the Irish brogue is globally acknowledged to be the world's sexiest accent. Explosive diarrhoea is no excuse for exposing yourself in your truck.

The European Commission is poised to recommend black boxes for cars, Peugeot's BB1 e-car is bound for Blighty, Gordon Mrray is jumping aboard the e-car bandwagon, and an electric superbike debuts in Las Vegas.

New laptop designs appear from Asus and Dell, VIA shows new netbook/notebook CPUs, and Asus demos its redesigned Eee Keyboard (but its 'smartbook' will be delayed). E-readers appear from Creative Labs, Sony, and Bookeen, and Litl shows off a "netbook appliance".

For just $99 you can enhance your social standing with a Twitter-only pocket pal.

SuperTalent introduces a USB 3.0 thumb drive, Toshiba fits 320GB onto a 1.8-inch hard drive, Tandberg Data debuts a capacious DAT drive, and Drobo finds investors.

Sun adds inline dedupe to ZFS, Arkeia buys Kadena for its dedupe technology, and Hitachi hints at on-drive deduping. Intel promises a fix for its glitchy SSD firmware update tool.

Blade servers are hot, ScaleMP frees SMP clusters from the need for InfiniBand, 3Leaf makes big SMPs out of x64 clusters, Quanta invests in Tilera's 100-core chip plans, Liquid Computing moves toward commodity x64 iron, and Yahoo! open sources its back-end software.

Vigin Airlines embraces cloud computing, Unisys launches a private cloud line, RightScale unveils a new Cloud Management Platform, Microsoft chops cloud costs, and IBM launches a free public beta of a new cloud computing development and test environment hosted on its own machines.

Red Hat rolls out its bare-metal Enterprise Virtualization hypervisor, Skype confirms that Skype for Linux will be open sourced in "the nearest future", Karmic Koala frustrates early adopters, the latest Moblin version adds nettop support, and a Linux bug gives untrusted users root access.

Security scares include ransomware-style malware, Facebook zombieware, newfangled cookie attacks, and user accounts exposed by backdoor security holes in Facebook and MySpace. A senior FBI tech says that facial recognition is useless, a judge sanctions a lawyer for leaking 179 people's personal details in an electronic court brief, and the Israeli secret service hacked into a Syrian official's laptop to obtain nuke-plant secrets.

Olympic ticket scams are already underway, the founder of BetOnSports received four years in the slammer, a cable modem modder faces up to to 20 years in prison, and two men have been accused of breaking into the computer system of their former employer - a simple feat, seeing as how the company didn't bother to delete their passwords. A minimum of five British police forces have suffered major computer failures during the past year as a result of malicious internet attacks.

That is all. ®

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