Feeds

Agincourt: The sensational truth

El Reg calculates the true strength of Henry's forces

Security for virtualized datacentres

The news last week that a group of historians had calculated that Henry V's forces at Agincourt weren't actually outnumbered four to one by the French caused a certain amount of dismay here at Vulture Central.

Well, we weren't going to take this highly suspect piece of revisionism lying down, and immediately set about re-evaluating the facts.

An exhaustive trawl of contemporary records and eyewitness accounts of the battle have now enabled us, with the aid of modern technology, to offer today what is without doubt the most accurate representation of the opposing forces on 25 October 1415 (click on pic for a bigger version):

The Battle of Agincourt as recreated by our revisionist history department

What we have here are around 374,000 heavily-armed French knights bearing down on Henry's modest Band of Brothers: two messengers, two longbowmen and a dog called Rupert.

Henry is delivering a rousing "happy few" speech in the style of Kenneth Branagh*, which is not actually going down too well with the lads since they're on their tea break.

The messengers have just hotfooted it to belatedly tell the king: "The sentries report Frenchies to the south west. Thousands of them."

The late arrival of the news is of little concern, because the French are already bogged down in heavy mud - a sorry state of affairs prompted by their heavy armour and insistence on riding in battle after a gut-busting breakfast of stuffed songbirds washed down with calvados.

The rest is history. Those of you inclined to doubt our version of events are referred to the blog of the Duke of Orleans, who survived the battle, albeit with severe testicular damage sustained at the jaws of Rupert.

He wrote on 26 October: "Les anglais - une force formidable du roi Henri, avec quatre hommes et un petit chien diablolique - nous ont asswhuppé. Merde." ®

Bootnote

*Without the horse, you'll note, due to royal defence department budget cuts. Plus ça change...

Related stories

All of El Reg's illuminating Playmobil coverage can be found here.

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk

More from The Register

next story
Are you a fat boy? Get to university NOW, you PENNILESS SLACKER
Rotund types paid nearly 20% less than people who didn't eat all the pies
Emma Watson should SHUT UP, all this abuse is HER OWN FAULT
... said an anon coward who we really wish hadn't posted on our website
Japan develops robot CHEERLEADERS which RIDE on BALLS
'Will put smiles on faces worldwide', predicts corporate PR chief
Bruges Booze tubes to pump LOVELY BEER underneath city
Belgian booze pumped from underground
Let it go, Steve: Ballmer bans iPads from his LA Clippers b-ball team
Can you imagine the scene? 'Hey guys, it's your new owner – WTF is that on your desk?'
Amazon: Wish in one hand, Twit in the other – see which one fills first
#AmazonWishList A year's supply of Arran scotch, ta
SLOSH! Cops dethrone suspect - by tipping over portaloo with him inside
Talk about raising a stink and soiling your career
Oz carrier Tiger Air takes terror alerts to new heights
Don't doodle, it might cost you your flight
Oi, London thief. We KNOW what you're doing - our PRECRIME system warned us
Aye, shipmate, it be just like that Minority Report
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.
The next step in data security
With recent increased privacy concerns and computers becoming more powerful, the chance of hackers being able to crack smaller-sized RSA keys increases.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.