Feeds

Pregnant monkeys on crack - boffins investigate

Womb-coked simians in banana-pellet munchies frenzy

Intelligent flash storage arrays

Scientists in America have warned of a new threat to society, posed by a generation of middle-aged drug-addled monkeys with poor impulse control due to being exposed to cocaine in the womb 15 years ago.

In the words of a searing announcement issued today by the Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center:

Adult male monkeys exposed to cocaine while in the womb have poor impulse control and may be more vulnerable to drug abuse than female monkeys, even a decade or more after the exposure, according to a new study by researchers at Wake Forest University School of Medicine.

It seems, for reasons which aren't adequately explored in the Wake Forest announcement, that back in 1994 a number of pregnant monkeys were furnished with supplies of cocaine by unidentified scientists. The offspring of these showbiz-lifestyled simian mums have now reached "the equivalent of middle age for monkeys", according to Lindsey Hamilton, grad student researcher at the Wake Forest labs.

And yet, despite being old enough to have long left their hellraising young monkey-about-town years behind them, the primates whose mothers had received regular visits from Mr Snowman still "had no patience or impulse control whatsoever," according to Hamilton.

Among other tests, this was demonstrated by giving the foetally-drugged monkeys a choice of levers to pull. One would deliver a small snacky treat, described as a "banana pellet reward", at once. If the other was pulled, there was a short wait followed by a jackpot of pelletised fruit - such that over time one would get much more processed banana nuggets by pulling the second lever.

Nonetheless, the monkey-on-your-back monkeys always chose the first lever, slaves to irresistible munchy craving short-termism; while regular monkeys whose mums hadn't put half of Peckham up their hooters were quite capable of playing the long game. Interestingly, the long-delayed effects of pre-natal Charlie occurred only in males - females whose mothers had been coked to the eyeballs seemed as sensible as any other middle-aged monkey.

Hamilton and her colleagues believe that the total loss of self-discipline among the dope-mum males may mean that they are likelier to get hooked on drugs themselves. They are carrying out tests even now involving offers of coke to their different simian test subjects.

The idea of the research is to gain insights into the behaviour of human drug addicts. Though some might say that it'd be possible to make an educated guess about the likely future drug habits of those born to crack-using mothers without handing out freebies to monkeys. ®

Security for virtualized datacentres

More from The Register

next story
Boffins who stare at goats: I do believe they’re SHRINKING
Alpine chamois being squashed by global warming
What's that PONG? Rosetta probe shoves nose under comet's tail
Rotten eggs, horse dung and almonds – yuck
Comet Siding Spring revealed as flying molehill
Hiding from this space pimple isn't going to do humanity's reputation any good
Experts brand LOHAN's squeaky-clean box
Phytosanitary treatment renders Vulture 2 crate fit for export
LONG ARM of the SAUR: Brachially gifted dino bone conundrum solved
Deinocheirus mirificus was a bit of a knuckle dragger
MARS NEEDS WOMEN, claims NASA pseudo 'naut: They eat less
'Some might find this idea offensive' boffin admits
prev story

Whitepapers

Choosing cloud Backup services
Demystify how you can address your data protection needs in your small- to medium-sized business and select the best online backup service to meet your needs.
Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.