Feeds

Almighty rumpus in Swedish lesbian enclave

Drunken Welshmen cop a pink pasting

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

The news earlier this week that Chinese state news agency Xinhua had identified a hitherto unknown lesbian enclave buried deep in the forests of northern Sweden prompted sceptical commenters to demand photographic evidence of the sapphic paradise.

Well, ever eager to oblige, we've quite amazingly got hold of a photograph of a major rumpus at the woodland entrance to "Chako Paul City". Click on the pic for a bigger version, and read on...

Amazing scenes at the entrance of Chako Paul City

As Xinhua reported, the city is indeed guarded by two security operatives, augmented here by a member of the Mediaeval Order of Saint Navratilova. The Order's duties are mainly ceremonial - including guarding the revered Holy Merkin of Louise Brooks - but they can evidently roll out some serious firepower if the inviolability of Chako Paul City is threatened.

To the right of the checkpoint, two more blonde Nordic gender police have taken down a perving theatre fan who's just attempted to capture popular thesp and TV lesbo-snog vet Anna Friel's exposed assets on his mobile phone. Quite what Friel was doing naked in the woods is anyone's guess, but her agent assured El Reg it was "entirely artistically justifiable".

A shaken Friel is seen taking to her heels, while a member of the city's horse-mounted Ellen DeGeneres Division moves to cover her rear.

To the left, a roving radical Islamic cleric has just exploded with indignation at the sight of a Chako Paul City export container which he believes contains Artificial Virginity Hymens destined for Egypt.

In fact, it holds nothing more sinister than budget flat-pack pine furniture from the popular Agnetha Åse Fältskog range of bedside tables.

Last, but far from least, we have the main reason for the security kerfuffle: a couple of drunken Welshman who've each sunk ten pints of herring-flavoured vodka and tried to pick a fight with two passers-by in the belief that they could at worst be a couple of crossing-dressing cage fighters.

Unfortunately for them, their intended victims are actually black belts from the Chato GLB Ninja Assassin and Kickboxing Academy, who are treating the lads to the pasting of a lifetime. Jacques Chirac's exiled chien diabolique Sumo, meanwhile, is taking the opportunity to help himself to one of the boyo's undefended 'nads.

And that's just about it, except to say that if you're looking for pictures from inside Chako Paul City, you're out of luck. There's no way our man was going to chance his arm, even in a stag-night transvestite outfit, and the Xinhua photographer seen at bottom right has got distracted from his mission to penetrate the enclave and is grabbing some pics of our own snapper in the belief that he's one of the famous excessively tall photographers which, as Chinese legend tells, have been hunted to near extinction by UK police under the Prevention of Photographing Stuff, Anywhere, Act (2009). ®

Related stories

El Reg's world-famous Playmobil coverage can be found right here.

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

More from The Register

next story
Holy vintage vehicles! Earliest known official Batmobile goes on sale
Riddle me this: are you prepared to pay US$180k?
Criticism of Uber's journo-Data Analytics plan is an Attack on DIGITAL FREEDOM
First they came for Emil – and I'm damn well SPEAKING OUT
'It is comforting to know where your data centres are.' UK.GOV does NOT
Plus: Anons are 'wannabes', KKK says, before being pwned
'Open source just means big companies can steal your code.' O RLY?
Plus: Flame of the Week returns, for one night only!
NEWSFLASH: It's time to ditch dullard Facebook chums
Everything hot in tech, courtesy of avian anchor Regina Eggbert
Hey, you, PHONE-FACE! Kickstarter in-car mobe mount will EMBED your phone into your MUG
Stick it on the steering wheel and wait for the airbag to fire
Bible THUMP: Good Book beats Darwin to most influential tome title
Folio Society crowns fittest of surviving volumes
prev story

Whitepapers

Choosing cloud Backup services
Demystify how you can address your data protection needs in your small- to medium-sized business and select the best online backup service to meet your needs.
A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.
Driving business with continuous operational intelligence
Introducing an innovative approach offered by ExtraHop for producing continuous operational intelligence.
10 threats to successful enterprise endpoint backup
10 threats to a successful backup including issues with BYOD, slow backups and ineffective security.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?