Society bible lectures students on etiquette
Yes, yes, but how can I lose my virginity?
As another crop of 18-year-olds heads to college for the first time, University towns across the land are bracing themselves for the bacchanalian orgy known as freshers' week.
Thankfully, any parents worried that their nearest and dearest are going to fall prey to the Rugby Club's front row or end up flogging copies of Socialist Worker on Saturday mornings might do worse than to point their offspring towards society and etiquette experts Debretts' list of pointers on Freshers Etiquette.
Debretts top tips include: "Introduce yourself to strangers at parties. Everyone is in the same boat, so don't worry about making the first move."
Once the ice is broken, Freshers should "Listen to what other people tell you, and ask questions. Conversation is likely to be about A-level results, school, courses and gap years." Well, that's five minutes sorted, before a rapid degeneration into moaning about student loan delays, debating classic TV programmes, and bitching about newly acquired flatmates/classmates.
Things do get a bit confusing at this point. One the one hand, students are advised to "Be social. Operate an open door policy when you move into your halls."
Sounds good to us, but before you know, Debretts is being all prim and proper, suggesting that "While it's good to be open to new experiences, exercise a little caution. You may end up doing something in freshers' week that will haunt you for the next three years.
Which is a politer way of expressing number seven: "Away from parental and school supervision, hormones will run high. Make sure you're not the talk of the campus."
All good stuff, if slightly generalist - we can't help thinking that there's some etiquette points that geeks in training may want to consider. Perhaps advice to flush your cache and history list before letting potential romantic interests use your PC would be pertinent. Also, it might be good to point out that going to the Freshers Ball as your SecondLife avatar is unlikely to make it a night to remember - not for you anyway.
The full list is here
If you've got any other advice for the younger generation, you know where to stick it. ®
@ Dr Patrick J R Harkin (21st September 2009 10:31 GMT)
- that might just be the funniest thing ive read today.
@A C (19th September 2009 06:00 GMT)
- thanks for the INFORMATIVE post, was your uni chess team days not up to much then?
How do I lose my virginity?
Virginities are like expensive laptops. All the freshers have got one, all the local scrotes are after them and so those who get wasted in the bar and don't lock their dorm doors find they're gone in the morning. So get one of those Kensington security cables, and don't forget to write your postcode on it in UV marker.
Every club wants you to join. All of them want your money, and it looks *so* practical to join them all. Resist the temptation. In between drinking and the odd bit of coursework, you're not going to do half of what you thought you would, and the money you splashed on those is money you can't otherwise spend on booze.
For another tip, SU bars always serve "seconds" beer which the breweries flog cheap because it didn't pass their standards for selling to proper pubs, and it's always kept incredibly badly. Learn which beers survive this and remain drinkable. Murphys is a good bet (if they have it), and Guinness usually survives fairly well too. Both these have the extra advantage that you can't neck them quite as fast as ratpiss lager, so nights out are a little cheaper.
Learn to play guitar before you go there - start age 16 and you'll be in good shape when you get there. Being able to rattle out "Wonderwall" or some solid blues guitar is worth a ton of streetcred, even if you do happen to be a geek. And "Vincent" or similar mellow folky stuff goes down well with the girls.
Oh, and on the drink-assisted sex front, if you're a bloke then don't drink too much - it'll just go wrong. If you're a girl, you can get any bloke you want if you ask nicely, so that's not a problem.
And an open-door policy is great, but lock your door at night, especially after a drinking sesh. It's harder for your mates to do embarrassing things to you. Also lock your window if you're on the ground floor or your window is otherwise accessible (above a flat roof/drainpipe) - drunk mates can be very enterprising.