Feeds

Custard Creams can kill: Official

Jaffa Cakes relatively harmless, survey reveals

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

A disturbing probe into the potential for apparently innocent biscuits' ability to do harm has revealed that an astounding 25 million Brits have been injured while indulging in some light coffee/tea break snack action, with 500 victims requiring hospital treatment.

That's according to research outfit Mindlab International, which determined that almost a third of adults had been scalded by hot beverages while dunking, 26 per cent had choked on crumbs and ten per cent had broken a tooth or filling while getting their laughing gear round a biscuit.

Rather more seriously, seven per cent of Britons have dropped a biscuit tin on their foot, three per cent have fallen off a chair reaching for vital nourishment, and an equal percentage have poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit.

Seven per cent admitted to have been bitten while feeding a tasty biscuit morsel to a pet or “other wild animal”. The most extreme example of biscuit-related mishap, however, was the case of the man who got stuck in wet concrete after wading in to retrieve a stray biccy.

Mindlab also carried out a "Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation" (BITE) to determine which was Blighty's deadliest biscuit. Mindlab International director Dr David Lewis explained: “We tested the physical properties of 15 popular types of biscuits, along with aspects of their consumption such as ‘dunkability’ and crumb dispersal.

“Then one of our mathematicians correlated these findings with research data and responses from a nationwide survey of 1,000 adults.”

The chilling result is that the public would do well to eye the Custard Cream with suspicion, since it topped the list with a BITE risk rating of 5.63. That's compared with 4.34 for your common-or-garden Cookie, in second spot, and 4.12 for next-placed Choc Biscuit Bar.

Those of you who like sucking a Ginger Nut will be relieved to learn that they're relatively risk-free, rating 2.99 in ninth place. Anyone not wanting to chance their arm should stick to Jaffa Cakes, since they bottomed the list with an almost harmless 1.16.

Mike Driver, marketing director for biscuit manufacturers Rocky, which commissioned the survey, concluded: “Working with biscuits every day, we’d long suspected they’re not as innocent as they look - and we were right."

Here's the full biscuit risk rating listing:

  • Custard Cream: 5.64
  • Cookie: 4.34
  • Choc Biscuit Bar: 4.12
  • Wafer: 3.74
  • Rich Tea: 3.45
  • Bourbon: 3.44
  • Oat Biscuit: 3.31
  • Digestive: 3.14
  • Ginger Nut: 2.99
  • Shortbread: 2.90
  • Caramel Shortcake: 2.76
  • Nice Biscuit: 2.27
  • Iced Biscuits/Party Rings: 2.16
  • Chocolate Finger: 1.38
  • Jaffa Cakes: 1.16

®

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

More from The Register

next story
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors
'It's ecological' says spokesman, now how would you like your Bambi done?
Red Bull does NOT give you wings, $13.5m lawsuit says so
Website letting consumers claim $10 cash back crashes after stampede
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
Three 1TB solid state scorchers up for grabs
Big SSDs can be expensive but think big and think free because you could be the lucky winner of one of three 1TB Samsung SSD 840 EVO drives that we’re giving away worth over £300 apiece.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.