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73% of Brits too shagged for a shag

Put it away, love, and hand me the TV remote...

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

A shock survey of 2,000 adult Brits has revealed that 73 per cent are too tired at the end of the day to get their rocks off - the result of a national malaise of bone idleness which has poor old Blighty creaking under the weight of lardy couch potatoes.

According to the "alarming" Nuffield Health figures, 58 per cent admit their unwillingness to get jiggy is due to poor physical fitness.

And when they're slumped on the sofa attempting to ignore the other half's come-ons, 15 per cent say they'd rather watch a TV show they didn't like than get up to change the channel without the aid of the remote, which means that a projected 7.3 million people are terrifyingly stuck watching other people almost having sex on Big Brother.

Other outrages against good health highlighted by Nuffield Health's report (entitled "New study reveals scale of the nations laziness", proving even they're too shagged out to use apostrophes), are that 59 per cent "won’t walk up two flights of stairs to reach their office", while 36 per cent of weary pollees confess they "won’t run to catch a bus".

The bottom line is that the UK is degenerating into dangerous obesity, with kids and dogs suffering the knock-on effects of mum and dads' indolence. While the rise in fatty Brit sprogs has been widely reported, Nuffield Health reveals that a lack of adequate exercise explains why "canine obesity is also on the rise in the UK".

Dr Sarah Dauncey, Nuffield Health's medical big (low fat) cheese, said: “People need to get fitter, not just for their own sake, but for the sake of their families, friends, and evidently their pets, too. If we don’t start to take control of this problem, a whole generation will become too unfit to perform even the most rudimentary of tasks.

“Ready-meals, remote controls and even internet shopping are all contributing to a dangerously lazy and idle Britain. The nation has fallen into a vicious circle of laziness that we must put a stop to.”

Oh yes, and just to make sure we're all thoroughly ashamed of ourselves, and make our way henceforth to the nearest Nuffield Health centre at a brisk jog, the report concludes by pointing the finger at Britain's most unfit cities, quantified by the percentage of citizens who cough to not getting enough exercise:

  • Glasgow (75 per cent)
  • Birmingham (67 per cent)
  • Southampton (67 per cent)
  • London (66 per cent)
  • Bristol (64 per cent)
  • Leeds (62 per cent)
  • Newcastle (62 per cent)
  • Norwich (60 per cent)
  • Manchester (59 per cent)
  • Cardiff (42 per cent)

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