73% of Brits too shagged for a shag
Put it away, love, and hand me the TV remote...
A shock survey of 2,000 adult Brits has revealed that 73 per cent are too tired at the end of the day to get their rocks off - the result of a national malaise of bone idleness which has poor old Blighty creaking under the weight of lardy couch potatoes.
According to the "alarming" Nuffield Health figures, 58 per cent admit their unwillingness to get jiggy is due to poor physical fitness.
And when they're slumped on the sofa attempting to ignore the other half's come-ons, 15 per cent say they'd rather watch a TV show they didn't like than get up to change the channel without the aid of the remote, which means that a projected 7.3 million people are terrifyingly stuck watching other people almost having sex on Big Brother.
Other outrages against good health highlighted by Nuffield Health's report (entitled "New study reveals scale of the nations laziness", proving even they're too shagged out to use apostrophes), are that 59 per cent "won’t walk up two flights of stairs to reach their office", while 36 per cent of weary pollees confess they "won’t run to catch a bus".
The bottom line is that the UK is degenerating into dangerous obesity, with kids and dogs suffering the knock-on effects of mum and dads' indolence. While the rise in fatty Brit sprogs has been widely reported, Nuffield Health reveals that a lack of adequate exercise explains why "canine obesity is also on the rise in the UK".
Dr Sarah Dauncey, Nuffield Health's medical big (low fat) cheese, said: “People need to get fitter, not just for their own sake, but for the sake of their families, friends, and evidently their pets, too. If we don’t start to take control of this problem, a whole generation will become too unfit to perform even the most rudimentary of tasks.
“Ready-meals, remote controls and even internet shopping are all contributing to a dangerously lazy and idle Britain. The nation has fallen into a vicious circle of laziness that we must put a stop to.”
Oh yes, and just to make sure we're all thoroughly ashamed of ourselves, and make our way henceforth to the nearest Nuffield Health centre at a brisk jog, the report concludes by pointing the finger at Britain's most unfit cities, quantified by the percentage of citizens who cough to not getting enough exercise:
- Glasgow (75 per cent)
- Birmingham (67 per cent)
- Southampton (67 per cent)
- London (66 per cent)
- Bristol (64 per cent)
- Leeds (62 per cent)
- Newcastle (62 per cent)
- Norwich (60 per cent)
- Manchester (59 per cent)
- Cardiff (42 per cent)
Yes I do work for someone else. They are one of the top Companies in the country and the Director, my boss is a stickler for quality, performance and maintaining an excellent company profile. He recognises that to get the required results you have to pay trained and experienced staff well, paying peanuts gets monkeys and is damaging in many ways for a company. I totally agree with his philosophy and it greatly helps my lifestyle. I think its a shame that there are companies out there who choose cost effectiveness over quality, reputation and performance.
oh and an adherence to a muscial style is a hobby, such like keeping fit and finding time to spent quality moments with the missus (in keeping with the original article topic), it is not the best thing in my life, but sure as hell beats staring at a tv screen with my brain bio-degrading thanks to the likes of Jeremey Kyle. I'll go out on a limb here and suggest you've never been to an adreanline fueled festival or gig - a harmony of thousands of people there to appreciate one thing - the music with no agendas or altercations, it's one of lifes natural highs and a perfectly acceptable past time, millions of rockers/metallers can't be wrong.
It has been said to me that you gather all of the worst people you would fear to meet in a dark alley, bring them all together in appreciation of the same music and harmony prevails. It is true, I have seen it every year.
and finally, how does being a metaller improve my kids lives? Seeing as it's my music choice and hobby it does not impact on the way they are raised (much the same as classical music, pop music or dare I say it rap music). My kids are schooled well on right and wrong, ethics and diversity, taught to stick to their convictions and most of all the ability to use their own common sense and intelligence to make informed (but basic - lets face it they cant vote, get credit or drive yet) lifestyle choices such as what music they like to listen to, what instruments they play, what subjects they enjoy and excel at and what sport they indulge in. They are also supported by loving Parents and Grandparents who keep them active and engaged rather than leaving them to fester in front of an LCD or loitering in the streets. In my eyes that is quite a fortunate upbringing.
"I don't think it's a case of your employer finding someone cheaper, the whole costs vs quality argument would be relevant here and no employer (stuggling or otherwise) in their right mind would choose cheap, quality compromised employees over normal rate, required quailty workers: if they did, I would walk voluntarily as I refuse to work for someone with that ethic."
Do you actually work for some one else?
Most employers would gladly sell you and your kids and employ Chinese children if they could.
I too am one of these who get up at stupid o'clock and commute / work / commute for 14 hours and then help look after a disabled wife. I do this because that is where I found work. I suppose I could have applied at the local supermarket or burger joint, however I trained for years to do a job that I enjoy.
The charity that did employ me for 12 years, decided that it wanted cheaper workers so made 400 of us redundant. So I moved on to another job.
I have a mortgage, credit cards etc. I pay bucket loads in tax and am a wealth earner for this country. I could have chosen to make the state pay for my housing, and force benefits into my wallet each week, but I preferred to work for my cash.
So I don't have any hesitation in saying that those who did make those choices have done more to benefit this country than those who think that an adherence to a musical style to be the best thing in their lives.
Metaller? In what way has this improved your kids lives?
I don't believe it
No matter how knackered I am, I'm never too shagged for _that_. Even if it takes a half hour of begging, whining and cajoling to persuade the missus she ain't too tired.
Digitally** assisted DIY is all very well, but it can't beat the Real Thing (TM).
**Digital as in 'internet', of course, what did you perverts think I meant?
Paris, because - well, do we need a reason?