Feeds

From tracking sex performance to tracking sex offenders...

There really is an iPhone app for everything

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

SANS - Survey on application security programs

iPhone users can now track sexual offenders, and rate their own sexual performance having become aroused playing iWet T-Shirts, but if they want to use Google Voice they'll have to jailbreak their handset.

Another day, another series of surreal Apple decisions as to what is acceptable to the average iPhone user: iWet T-Shirts is pretty-much self explanatory, while Passion uses the accelerometer and microphone to rate your sexual performance and the Offender Locator Application tells you where the local perverts live: assuming you're not one of them.

Apple may have removed both official and unofficial Google Voice clients - no doubt at the behest of the iPhone's biggest customer AT&T - but the author of one of the unofficial apps - GV Mobile - has decided he'd prefer to see his work handed out for free than collecting dust, thus providing another reason to jailbreak an iPhone.

But anyone looking for diversions less irritating to Cupertino needn't worry: Apple has you covered:

iWet T-Shirt

Is that a hosepipe in your hand?

Having got yourself suitably wound up with a virtual hosepipe, it's time to get down with your significant other, and what better way to discover if you're any good in bed than with an iPhone application? Passion comes for only $4.99, though we suspect it will cost you a lot more than that when you reveal to your partner that they're underperforming.

Passion app

Nothing impresses the lady in your life like rating her passion

Having procreated, you'll obviously be completely paranoid about anything happening to the little ankle biters, so you'll want to get hold of the Offender Locator Application. This shows helpful pins, indicating the residence of US offenders who've served their no-doubt paltry prison sentences and have been released from prison by the bleeding heart liberals:

Offender Locator

Keeping your children safe - there really is nothing the iPhone can't do

Be careful with that one, though. The reviews are very mixed, with the most insightful comment coming from one Sgt. Davis, who claims to work for the LAPD. He explains: "Hunting down unregistered offenders is what I do for a living. Out of ten random searches, this app on the average only produced 23% of the registered offenders... if you truly want to protect your children [then] become involved in your child's life, as opposed to allowing the world to raise your child for you."

So perhaps the iPhone can't do everything. At least, not yet. ®

3 Big data security analytics techniques

More from The Register

next story
A black box for your SUITCASE: Now your lost luggage can phone home – quite literally
Breakfast in London, lunch in NYC, and your clothes in Peru
Broadband Secretary of SHEEP sensationally quits Cabinet
Maria Miller finally resigns over expenses row
AT&T threatens to pull out of FCC wireless auctions over purchase limits
Company wants ability to buy more spectrum space in auction
EE dismisses DATA-BURNING glitch with Orange Mail app
Bug quietly slurps PAYG credit - yet EE denies it exists
Like Google, Comcast might roll its own mobile voice network
Says anything's possible if regulators approve merger with Time Warner
Turnbull leaves Australia's broadband blackspots in the dark
New Statement of Expectations to NBN Co offers get-out clauses for blackspot builds
Facebook claims 100 MEEELLION active users in India
Who needs China when you've got the next billion in your sights?
Facebook splats in-app chat, whacks brats into crack yakety-yak app
Jibber-jabbering addicts turfed out just as Zuck warned
prev story

Whitepapers

Top three mobile application threats
Learn about three of the top mobile application security threats facing businesses today and recommendations on how to mitigate the risk.
Combat fraud and increase customer satisfaction
Based on their experience using HP ArcSight Enterprise Security Manager for IT security operations, Finansbank moved to HP ArcSight ESM for fraud management.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Five 3D headsets to be won!
We were so impressed by the Durovis Dive headset we’ve asked the company to give some away to Reg readers.
SANS - Survey on application security programs
In this whitepaper learn about the state of application security programs and practices of 488 surveyed respondents, and discover how mature and effective these programs are.