Hollywood prepares to battle Asteroids
Plotless classic Atari game heads for the big screen
Universal Studios is preparing to bring Atari video game Asteroids to the big screen, despite the fact that the classic offers "no story line or fancy world-building mythology", as the Hollywood Reporter puts it.
The studio, lacking the kind of supplied narrative which made Lara Croft: Tomb Raider a major cinematic triumph, is falling back on a skill which in Tinseltown appears of late to have gone the way of dry stone walling: It will, wait for it, "create a plot from scratch".
The man tasked with breathing life into Asteroids is one Matthew Lopez, a Disney-trained pensmith who's worked on Bedtime Stories and Race to Witch Mountain.
We suspect Lopez will start with the premise that there are large asteroids menacing Earth and that NASA, having ill-advisedly shut its virtual asteroid-busting training school due to budget cuts, is obliged to enlist the help of a couple of college kids whose granddad owns the sole remaining Asteroids arcade machine and are therefore the only two on Earth with the necessary dexterity to guide the laser-firing anti-apocalypse spaceship.
We recommend Bruce Willis as granddad to Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, with Megan Fox as the NASA programmer who helps Willis once again find love following the death of his wife in a tragic Wii Fit accident. Michael Bay should helm, naturally. ®
Get Sean signed up. He's the real grandad of asteroid films. Oh wait, that was Meteor though (which was daft anyway as the film was about an Asteroid whereas Meteors are much smaller).
But anyway, Asteroids has been done. See the Asteroid Field scene in Empire Strikes Back. No one can top that (especially with the John Williams score).
The story of 1-inch adventurers
What about Ultra 3-D Pinball? Seperating the epilectic from the person who falls asleep :o
Hollywood is so SHIT
Re. The Cards Trilogy .... Posted Saturday 4th July 2009 12:19 GMT
That was very Mornington Crescent of you. And there everyone is, imagining IT stops Hollywood dead in her curvaceous tracks.
For the Love of a Good Gamey XSSXXXXual Script keeps Hollywood always as a Cowboy Outfit, hitting on the Punters for More with Less though ....... and that no longer computes? Certainly Arnie "I'll be Back" could do with a new Magical Mystery Formula to keep the Lights on in the Sunshine State. Something Hot to steal the Harry Limelight from Washington DC and Wall Street Hacks and Hackers/Code Crackers.
@Martin49, @Tony Smith
<quote>Plus the horrendous problems of how to handle the physics of "circular space"</quote>
Actually folks, the "Asteroid" universe is toroidal (i.e. doughnut-shaped): You can move from the top to the bottom (screen folds into a tube) and from side to side (tube joins up to make a "doughnut").
What, no Berzerk?
"Intruder alert! Intruder alert!"
Since George Bush is unemployed, he can play Evil Otto.