Feeds

Boffins: Bebo interstellar spam aliens don't exist after all

Gliese 581d 'too crusty' for civilisation to arise

High performance access to file storage

Astroplanet boffins in America say that humanity may not, as had been expected, soon be the target of an interstellar assault from alien civilisations unwisely enraged by Web-2.0 teenybopper portal Bebo. It appears that the planet Gliese 581d - which might have mounted an invasion of the Solar System as soon as 2049 - cannot after all support life.

Regular Reg readers will doubtless recall that the red dwarf star Gliese 581, located 20.3 lightyears off in the constellation Libra, is considered one of the closest known locations which might be home to an alien race of the same general type as humanity. This is because boffins have at different times assessed that either the third or fourth planet of the system lies at such a distance from its dim, red sun as to permit the existence of liquid water on its surface.

Liquid water is relatively rare stuff in the universe, most places being icy cold or steamy hot, but it is regarded among boffins as an essential prerequisite for the appearance of life along Earthly lines - the general class of possible life which would be of most interest to us humans. Hence the general boffinry preoccupation with liquid water off Earth, and the resulting interest in the Gliese 581 system.

So great has this interest been that last October, in a cunning publicity stunt, the powers behind Bebo decided to compile a large multimedia package composed by the site's userbase and beam it at Gliese 581 from a rented Ukrainian radiotelescope controlled by controversial "active SETI" proponent Alexander Zaitsev.

The interstellar Bebo spamgasm may prove embarrassing for the human race should it ever be picked up. As one might expect, it consists primarily of material related to the amusing antics of cats, boy crooners and other matters of interest only to mental cripples. There is also a large selection of text messages ("Hi im nicole, i would love to appear on the west end stage in a hit show.i also wouldnt mind doing a few television programs. anyway laters.Nicole x").

Indeed, as of April it appeared that the human race might suffer worse than just embarrassment as a result of the ill-judged interstellar missive. At that time, boffinry opinion held that Gliese 581d was actually an oceanic planet, possibly host to a ravening, self-mothered pseudohydrozoan immortal Dr Who jellyfish clone vampire blobomination horror-swarm of the type already found (in diminutive form, fortunately) in the oceans of Earth. Even if the jellies were actually peaceful, it seemed unlikely that they would remain so after the Bebo spam-blast struck their system in the year 2029.

High performance access to file storage

More from The Register

next story
Video games make you NASTY AND VIOLENT
Especially if you are bad at them and keep losing
Russian deputy PM: 'We are coming to the Moon FOREVER'
Plans to annex Earth's satellite with permanent base by 2030
Solar-powered aircraft unveiled for round-the-world flight
It's going to be a slow and sleepy flight for the pilots
Elon Musk's LEAKY THRUSTER gas stalls Space Station supply run
Helium seeps from Falcon 9 first stage, delays new legs for NASA robonaut
LOHAN's Punch and Judy show relaunches Thursday
Weather looking good for second pop at test flights
Discovery time for 200m WONDER MATERIALS shaved from 4 MILLENNIA... to 4 years
Alloy, Alloy: Boffins in speed-classification breakthrough
India's GPS alternative launches second satellite
Closed satnav system due to have all seven birds aloft by 2016
Curiosity finds not-very-Australian-shaped rock on Mars
File under 'messianic pastries' and move on, people
prev story

Whitepapers

Mainstay ROI - Does application security pay?
In this whitepaper learn how you and your enterprise might benefit from better software security.
Five 3D headsets to be won!
We were so impressed by the Durovis Dive headset we’ve asked the company to give some away to Reg readers.
3 Big data security analytics techniques
Applying these Big Data security analytics techniques can help you make your business safer by detecting attacks early, before significant damage is done.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Mobile application security study
Download this report to see the alarming realities regarding the sheer number of applications vulnerable to attack, as well as the most common and easily addressable vulnerability errors.