Feeds

Google Squared - the Cuilest search app ever

Everybody point and laugh

Boost IT visibility and business value

Am I dumbass?

However, there’s also the distinct possibility that I am a dumbass, that Google Squared is actually self-aware and is cogitating on the information it sends to me on such an advanced plane that my feeble human brain cannot comprehend it. Case in point, the search for "human."

Google Squared

Okay, so that’s a bizarre result that could be attributed to general stupidity, but let’s add a few columns to it. This should elicit the soul of the machine.

Google Squared

As you can see, Google squared is operating on a higher level of cognition. Keep in mind, Eric Schmidt is a doctor in the same way that Timothy Leary was. Once your consciousness reaches that kind of epiphany, it becomes clear as day that kmacleod is the Twitter of a person and Dorayaki is the recipe. It’s a simple revelation, people.

Then again, as a man of science, I must eventually conclude that the simplest explanation is likely the correct one: Google Squared is just a colossal fuckup, and Google is now backpedaling, stressing that it’s still heavily under development. Disappointed squints from tech journalists aside, Google is still trying to brand Squared as something smart. From their corporate blog:

While gathering facts from across the Internet is relatively easy (albeit tedious) for humans to do, it's far more difficult for computers to do automatically. Google Squared is a first step towards solving that challenge. It essentially searches the web to find the types of facts you might be interested in, extracts them and presents them in a meaningful way.

Now, perhaps Google’s definition of "facts" is the same as George W. Bush’s, but even so, this statement is a bit lofty. "First step toward solving that challenge"? How about no. It’s a first step alright, but it’s a first step into something...something squishy and warm when you’re barefoot.

Now, Google has a habit imitating its competitors poorly. The disastrous launch of Wikia Search prompted them to add the "SearchWiki" feature that still infects their main search results. Local news aggregator Topix.com saw a Google attack, when they added a local news section to Google News. That turned out to suck balls too.

If Google Squared was a serious attempt at stealing Wolfram Alpha’s thunder, then any competitor to Google that even remotely has its shit together really doesn’t have anything to worry about. What Google’s engineers have not yet realized is that they can’t just throw something together in a couple of weeks and call their competition obsolete. Just because you work at Google doesn’t mean you can will a product into existence.

Google’s presumptuous nature is finally catching up to them and fuck me, is it satisfying. You know how when you’re driving on the freeway and some douchebag goes flying past in a Honda Civic? How you think, "Man, I wish the police would just nail that guy"? Well, watching Google try and fail is like watching that same douchebag tie his car around a tree.

Google Squared, kindly get the fuck off out of my internet and take your fail with you. You’re making a mess all over the place. ®

Ted Dziuba is a co-founder at Milo.com You can read his regular Reg column, Fail and You, every other Monday.

5 things you didn’t know about cloud backup

More from The Register

next story
Why has the web gone to hell? Market chaos and HUMAN NATURE
Tim Berners-Lee isn't happy, but we should be
Apple promises to lift Curse of the Drained iPhone 5 Battery
Have you tried turning it off and...? Never mind, here's a replacement
'Stop dissing Google or quit': OK, I quit, says Code Club co-founder
And now a message from our sponsors: 'STFU or else'
Microsoft boots 1,500 dodgy apps from the Windows Store
DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! Naughty, misleading developers!
Linux turns 23 and Linus Torvalds celebrates as only he can
No, not with swearing, but by controlling the release cycle
Scratched PC-dispatch patch patched, hatched in batch rematch
Windows security update fixed after triggering blue screens (and screams) of death
This is how I set about making a fortune with my own startup
Would you leave your well-paid job to chase your dream?
prev story

Whitepapers

Best practices for enterprise data
Discussing how technology providers have innovated in order to solve new challenges, creating a new framework for enterprise data.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Advanced data protection for your virtualized environments
Find a natural fit for optimizing protection for the often resource-constrained data protection process found in virtual environments.
How modern custom applications can spur business growth
Learn how to create, deploy and manage custom applications without consuming or expanding the need for scarce, expensive IT resources.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?