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Google Squared - the Cuilest search app ever

Everybody point and laugh

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Am I dumbass?

However, there’s also the distinct possibility that I am a dumbass, that Google Squared is actually self-aware and is cogitating on the information it sends to me on such an advanced plane that my feeble human brain cannot comprehend it. Case in point, the search for "human."

Google Squared

Okay, so that’s a bizarre result that could be attributed to general stupidity, but let’s add a few columns to it. This should elicit the soul of the machine.

Google Squared

As you can see, Google squared is operating on a higher level of cognition. Keep in mind, Eric Schmidt is a doctor in the same way that Timothy Leary was. Once your consciousness reaches that kind of epiphany, it becomes clear as day that kmacleod is the Twitter of a person and Dorayaki is the recipe. It’s a simple revelation, people.

Then again, as a man of science, I must eventually conclude that the simplest explanation is likely the correct one: Google Squared is just a colossal fuckup, and Google is now backpedaling, stressing that it’s still heavily under development. Disappointed squints from tech journalists aside, Google is still trying to brand Squared as something smart. From their corporate blog:

While gathering facts from across the Internet is relatively easy (albeit tedious) for humans to do, it's far more difficult for computers to do automatically. Google Squared is a first step towards solving that challenge. It essentially searches the web to find the types of facts you might be interested in, extracts them and presents them in a meaningful way.

Now, perhaps Google’s definition of "facts" is the same as George W. Bush’s, but even so, this statement is a bit lofty. "First step toward solving that challenge"? How about no. It’s a first step alright, but it’s a first step into something...something squishy and warm when you’re barefoot.

Now, Google has a habit imitating its competitors poorly. The disastrous launch of Wikia Search prompted them to add the "SearchWiki" feature that still infects their main search results. Local news aggregator Topix.com saw a Google attack, when they added a local news section to Google News. That turned out to suck balls too.

If Google Squared was a serious attempt at stealing Wolfram Alpha’s thunder, then any competitor to Google that even remotely has its shit together really doesn’t have anything to worry about. What Google’s engineers have not yet realized is that they can’t just throw something together in a couple of weeks and call their competition obsolete. Just because you work at Google doesn’t mean you can will a product into existence.

Google’s presumptuous nature is finally catching up to them and fuck me, is it satisfying. You know how when you’re driving on the freeway and some douchebag goes flying past in a Honda Civic? How you think, "Man, I wish the police would just nail that guy"? Well, watching Google try and fail is like watching that same douchebag tie his car around a tree.

Google Squared, kindly get the fuck off out of my internet and take your fail with you. You’re making a mess all over the place. ®

Ted Dziuba is a co-founder at Milo.com You can read his regular Reg column, Fail and You, every other Monday.

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