Feeds

Archaeologists unearth oldest known 3D pornography

German cavemen carved jubtabulous mammoth-tusk lady

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Topflight archaeologists have unearthed a 35,000-year-old figurine carved out of mammoth ivory by prehistoric Germans, depicting a woman with enormous breasts. The find is thought to be the oldest known example of 3D pornography in the world.

Prehistoric Hohle Fels statuette depicting a large breasted lady

Early German 3D jazzmag. Credit: Eberhard Karls Universität Tübingen.

The find was made in the Hohle Fels Cave in the Swabian Jura area of southwest Germany last year, by Nicholas Conard of Tübingen Uni. He believes that the jubtastic relic is at least 5,000 years older than previously-discovered busty nude cavewoman themed objets d'art, and perhaps indicates that the desire to goggle at saucy imagery of ladies well-furnished in the tophamper department is a basic attribute of modern humanity.

The paleolithic porno, carved using primitive flint tools from mammoth tusk "in impressive detail", is approximately 6cm tall and 3.5cm wide. In place of a realistic head it has a knob which Conard theorises might have been used to attach it to a thong or cord. This would have allowed it to be worn concealed beneath the owner's primitive jerkin or hide garment, or alternatively stashed securely somewhere in the residential cave, perhaps to be brought out from time to time for private artistic contemplation.

"It's sexually exaggerated to the point of being pornographic," comments anthro prof Paul Mellars of Cambridge. "There's all this sexual symbolism bubbling up in that period. They were sex-mad."

If Conard's dates are correct, the smut-hungry prehistoric proto-Germans were in the process of ethnically cleansing Europe of their Neanderthal rivals at the time the bounteously-torso'd figurine was crafted. Experts in prehistoric jub-themed erotica worldwide are now hotly debating the findings: some argue that a taste for copiously convex feminine imagery indicates a superior cognitive intelligence, possibly a conclusive advantage in a contest against Neanderthal dullards. Other professors with wide expertise in the field disagree.

So far at least, it isn't known what (if any) kinds of special-interest gentlemen's glossy portable statuary were favoured by the Neanderthals. Thus the acrimonious debate regarding what pornography preferences are most favourable in a species-dominance context remains unsettled.

There's layman's coverage from boffinry mag Nature here, and Conard's academic paper can be read by subscribers here. ®

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

More from The Register

next story
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
Boffins who stare at goats: I do believe they’re SHRINKING
Alpine chamois being squashed by global warming
Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors
'It's ecological' says spokesman, now how would you like your Bambi done?
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
Three 1TB solid state scorchers up for grabs
Big SSDs can be expensive but think big and think free because you could be the lucky winner of one of three 1TB Samsung SSD 840 EVO drives that we’re giving away worth over £300 apiece.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.