Feeds

Archaeologists unearth oldest known 3D pornography

German cavemen carved jubtabulous mammoth-tusk lady

The Essential Guide to IT Transformation

Topflight archaeologists have unearthed a 35,000-year-old figurine carved out of mammoth ivory by prehistoric Germans, depicting a woman with enormous breasts. The find is thought to be the oldest known example of 3D pornography in the world.

Prehistoric Hohle Fels statuette depicting a large breasted lady

Early German 3D jazzmag. Credit: Eberhard Karls Universität Tübingen.

The find was made in the Hohle Fels Cave in the Swabian Jura area of southwest Germany last year, by Nicholas Conard of Tübingen Uni. He believes that the jubtastic relic is at least 5,000 years older than previously-discovered busty nude cavewoman themed objets d'art, and perhaps indicates that the desire to goggle at saucy imagery of ladies well-furnished in the tophamper department is a basic attribute of modern humanity.

The paleolithic porno, carved using primitive flint tools from mammoth tusk "in impressive detail", is approximately 6cm tall and 3.5cm wide. In place of a realistic head it has a knob which Conard theorises might have been used to attach it to a thong or cord. This would have allowed it to be worn concealed beneath the owner's primitive jerkin or hide garment, or alternatively stashed securely somewhere in the residential cave, perhaps to be brought out from time to time for private artistic contemplation.

"It's sexually exaggerated to the point of being pornographic," comments anthro prof Paul Mellars of Cambridge. "There's all this sexual symbolism bubbling up in that period. They were sex-mad."

If Conard's dates are correct, the smut-hungry prehistoric proto-Germans were in the process of ethnically cleansing Europe of their Neanderthal rivals at the time the bounteously-torso'd figurine was crafted. Experts in prehistoric jub-themed erotica worldwide are now hotly debating the findings: some argue that a taste for copiously convex feminine imagery indicates a superior cognitive intelligence, possibly a conclusive advantage in a contest against Neanderthal dullards. Other professors with wide expertise in the field disagree.

So far at least, it isn't known what (if any) kinds of special-interest gentlemen's glossy portable statuary were favoured by the Neanderthals. Thus the acrimonious debate regarding what pornography preferences are most favourable in a species-dominance context remains unsettled.

There's layman's coverage from boffinry mag Nature here, and Conard's academic paper can be read by subscribers here. ®

Boost IT visibility and business value

More from The Register

next story
Thirteen Astonishing True Facts You Never Knew About SCREWS
Threaderick the Great! And YES, we asked the Arapaho
NSA man: 'Tell me about your Turkish connections'
Spooks ask Dabbsy to suggest a nice hotel with pool
Russia sends SEX-CRAZED GECKOS to SPAAAAACE!
In space... no one can hear you're green...
Indian techies-in-training face down MAN-EATING LEOPARD - and WIN
Big cat causes big trouble at Mumbai college
Too rich for an iPhone 6? How about a gold-plated Brikk?
Not lobbed at your head, silly – a bling phone
Carlos: Slim your working week to just three days of toil
'Midas World' vision suggests you retire later, watch more tellie and buy more stuff
Yahoo! Japan! launches! service! for! the! dead!
If you're reading this email, I am no longer alive
Plucky Rockall podule man back on (proper) dry land
Bold, barmy Brit adventurer Nick Hancock escapes North Atlantic islet
Motorist 'thought car had caught fire' as Adele track came on stereo
'FIRE' caption on dashboard prompts dunderheaded hard shoulder halt
prev story

Whitepapers

Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
Backing up Big Data
Solving backup challenges and “protect everything from everywhere,” as we move into the era of big data management and the adoption of BYOD.
Boost IT visibility and business value
How building a great service catalog relieves pressure points and demonstrates the value of IT service management.
Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.