Feeds

Archaeologists unearth oldest known 3D pornography

German cavemen carved jubtabulous mammoth-tusk lady

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

Topflight archaeologists have unearthed a 35,000-year-old figurine carved out of mammoth ivory by prehistoric Germans, depicting a woman with enormous breasts. The find is thought to be the oldest known example of 3D pornography in the world.

Prehistoric Hohle Fels statuette depicting a large breasted lady

Early German 3D jazzmag. Credit: Eberhard Karls Universität Tübingen.

The find was made in the Hohle Fels Cave in the Swabian Jura area of southwest Germany last year, by Nicholas Conard of Tübingen Uni. He believes that the jubtastic relic is at least 5,000 years older than previously-discovered busty nude cavewoman themed objets d'art, and perhaps indicates that the desire to goggle at saucy imagery of ladies well-furnished in the tophamper department is a basic attribute of modern humanity.

The paleolithic porno, carved using primitive flint tools from mammoth tusk "in impressive detail", is approximately 6cm tall and 3.5cm wide. In place of a realistic head it has a knob which Conard theorises might have been used to attach it to a thong or cord. This would have allowed it to be worn concealed beneath the owner's primitive jerkin or hide garment, or alternatively stashed securely somewhere in the residential cave, perhaps to be brought out from time to time for private artistic contemplation.

"It's sexually exaggerated to the point of being pornographic," comments anthro prof Paul Mellars of Cambridge. "There's all this sexual symbolism bubbling up in that period. They were sex-mad."

If Conard's dates are correct, the smut-hungry prehistoric proto-Germans were in the process of ethnically cleansing Europe of their Neanderthal rivals at the time the bounteously-torso'd figurine was crafted. Experts in prehistoric jub-themed erotica worldwide are now hotly debating the findings: some argue that a taste for copiously convex feminine imagery indicates a superior cognitive intelligence, possibly a conclusive advantage in a contest against Neanderthal dullards. Other professors with wide expertise in the field disagree.

So far at least, it isn't known what (if any) kinds of special-interest gentlemen's glossy portable statuary were favoured by the Neanderthals. Thus the acrimonious debate regarding what pornography preferences are most favourable in a species-dominance context remains unsettled.

There's layman's coverage from boffinry mag Nature here, and Conard's academic paper can be read by subscribers here. ®

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors
'It's ecological' says spokesman, now how would you like your Bambi done?
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
Red Bull does NOT give you wings, $13.5m lawsuit says so
Website letting consumers claim $10 cash back crashes after stampede
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
Win a year’s supply of chocolate
There is no techie angle to this competition so we're not going to pretend there is, but everyone loves chocolate so who cares.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.