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Vulture Central on total G20 terror lockdown

Fearmail announces anti-crusty security Defcon Red

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Readers concerned for the safety of El Reg operatives, who will this week selflessly risk life and limb by entering Central London during the G20 summit, should rest assured that measures have been taken to mitigate the threat posed to national security and world order by malodorous, dreadlocked crusties deploying packs of dogs on string.

For those of you unaware just how serious this matter is, many London-based firms have ordered their employees to take a few days off, lest the combined forces of anti-capitalist teepee people and al-Qaeda attack the summit with a ricin-packed dirty nuke.

At Vulture Central, however, it's business as usual. Staff this morning received an email outlining just how we can all continue to sleep peacefully at our desks. The key points were:

  • The building will be on total LOCK DOWN
  • If you haven't got your access card, you ain't coming in
  • Visitors must be pre-announced, with a full biometric profile
  • Nicotine addicts should lay off nipping outside for a crafty smoke, and if they must, should go and get lung cancer away from the building
  • Couriers are asked not to deliver anthrax, ricin, binary liquid explosives, etc. during the summit
  • Men with beards will not be admitted into the building until further notice, and those with beards should shave them off or stay at home

Oh, alright - we made some of that up. To be fair to the powers that be, the cops are indeed expecting a bit of rough-and-tumble with demonstrators, so better safe than sorry, eh? ®

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