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US smutmongers want big bucks bailout

We're losing wood, give us $5bn

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Stateside pornographers have asked Congress to stump $5bn "to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America" amid the increasing economic gloom which is apparently sapping Yanks' will to get their end away.

According to the Telegraph, the porn tin rattling is led by Hustler big swinging dick Larry Flynt, who's aligned himself with Girls Gone Wild smutmerchant Joe Francis. The pair reckon that if the powers that be are prepared to inject big bucks into the car and banking sectors, they should do the same for the bonking sector.

Francis said in a joint statement: "Congress seems willing to help shore up our nation's most important businesses, [and] we feel we deserve the same consideration. In difficult economic times, Americans turn to entertainment for relief. More and more, the kind of entertainment they turn to is adult entertainment."

That may be so, but Flynt warned that people were actually "too depressed to be sexually active", a sorry state of affairs he described as "very unhealthy as a nation". He noted: "Americans can do without cars and such, but they cannot do without sex."

Congress should, the pair insisted, help Americans regain wood by "supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly".

Sadly, Flynt and Francis appear to have scuppered their cunning plan before even presenting it to Congress. They confessed that "although DVD sales and rentals have dropped 22 per cent over the past year, online traffic has continued to grow". Their statement admitted: "The 13-billion-dollar industry is in no fear of collapse. But why take chances?"

Francis frankly concluded: "As long as the government is handing out money, we want to be there to take it." ®

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