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Indulge your fecal fantasies with a doll that craps

"Uh-oh - I made a stinky!"

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Technology has brought many transcendent benefits to our culture, but possibly none have been as consummate in its exquisite magnificence as this holiday season's nonpareil of elegance, Baby Alive Learns to Potty, a child's doll that craps.

Surely this darling $60 dumper is the apotheosis of a dream first dreamed by Charles Babbage as he painstakingly constructed his pioneering Difference Engine in the 1830s. "Today a machine can calculate," he may have dared imagine, "Tomorrow it may think. And some day - we can only hope! - mankind will create a machine that can poop!"

And so it has.

Baby Alive Learns to Potty

The poop-generating scion of technology wedded to scatology

Available in Caucasian, African-American, and Hispanic flavors, Baby Alive Learns to Potty accomplishes her anthropomorphic post-alimentarian wonders after being fed "special food," which then traverses through her techno-tummy until it emerges - mirabile dictu! - exactly where you might imagine it would emerge.

Even more wondrous, as her creative creators breezily relate, "Since she’s 'potty training', she’ll also let you know when she needs to go. Better hurry, though! Put her on the potty and she’ll 'pee' and 'poop'. But if you don’t get there in time, you might hear her say, 'Oops. I had an accident!'"

At which point her diapers will need changing. Replacement six-packs are available for $4.99 - a tiny admission fee for the privilege of participating in such a momentous moment in microprocessor-enabled evolution.

And the itty-bitty shitty one speaks with such sagacity! Such eloquence! Perhaps, if you're fortunate, you may hear her utter her most heart-rending commentary on life's challenges: "Uh-oh - I made a stinky!"

Truly, haven't we all felt that way at times? ®

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

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