Feeds

Indulge your fecal fantasies with a doll that craps

"Uh-oh - I made a stinky!"

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Technology has brought many transcendent benefits to our culture, but possibly none have been as consummate in its exquisite magnificence as this holiday season's nonpareil of elegance, Baby Alive Learns to Potty, a child's doll that craps.

Surely this darling $60 dumper is the apotheosis of a dream first dreamed by Charles Babbage as he painstakingly constructed his pioneering Difference Engine in the 1830s. "Today a machine can calculate," he may have dared imagine, "Tomorrow it may think. And some day - we can only hope! - mankind will create a machine that can poop!"

And so it has.

Baby Alive Learns to Potty

The poop-generating scion of technology wedded to scatology

Available in Caucasian, African-American, and Hispanic flavors, Baby Alive Learns to Potty accomplishes her anthropomorphic post-alimentarian wonders after being fed "special food," which then traverses through her techno-tummy until it emerges - mirabile dictu! - exactly where you might imagine it would emerge.

Even more wondrous, as her creative creators breezily relate, "Since she’s 'potty training', she’ll also let you know when she needs to go. Better hurry, though! Put her on the potty and she’ll 'pee' and 'poop'. But if you don’t get there in time, you might hear her say, 'Oops. I had an accident!'"

At which point her diapers will need changing. Replacement six-packs are available for $4.99 - a tiny admission fee for the privilege of participating in such a momentous moment in microprocessor-enabled evolution.

And the itty-bitty shitty one speaks with such sagacity! Such eloquence! Perhaps, if you're fortunate, you may hear her utter her most heart-rending commentary on life's challenges: "Uh-oh - I made a stinky!"

Truly, haven't we all felt that way at times? ®

Beginner's guide to SSL certificates

More from The Register

next story
WRISTJOB LOVE BONANZA: justWatch sex app promises blind date hookups
Mankind shuffles into the future, five fingers at a time
Every billionaire needs a PANZER TANK, right? STOP THERE, Paul Allen
Angry Microsoftie hauls auctioneers to court over stalled Pzkw. IV 'deal'
Apple's Mr Havisham: Tim Cook says dead Steve Jobs' office has remained untouched
'I literally think about him every day' says biz baron's old friend
Flaming drone batteries ground commercial flight before takeoff
Passenger had Something To Declare, instead fiddled while plane burned
Cops apologise for leaving EXPLOSIVES in suitcase at airport
'Canine training exercise' SNAFU sees woman take home booming baggage
Oi, London thief. We KNOW what you're doing - our PRECRIME system warned us
Aye, shipmate, it be just like that Minority Report
prev story

Whitepapers

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk
A single remote control platform for user support is be key to providing an efficient helpdesk. Retain full control over the way in which screen and keystroke data is transmitted.
WIN a very cool portable ZX Spectrum
Win a one-off portable Spectrum built by legendary hardware hacker Ben Heck
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.
Protecting users from Firesheep and other Sidejacking attacks with SSL
Discussing the vulnerabilities inherent in Wi-Fi networks, and how using TLS/SSL for your entire site will assure security.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.