Beeb gets its rocks off in Second Life
E-shag guide: First, buy enormous e-todger...
The BBC last week more than fulfilled its public service remit by exploring just how saddos can get their ends away on Second Life.
It turns out the truth of virtual rumpy-pumpy is pretty straightforward: Equip your avatar with some shag kit and get down to some serious rogering. Tech hack Adrian Mars explained: "First you need to buy genitals. You start off with no genitals and then you buy some. These objects can do all sorts of things. You can have ones that ejaculate at the right moment.
"But there's not much in the way of exciting mechanics. What you see on the screen is what you get and the best you can hope for is a bit of sexual humour, although some people do have intense relationships."
Mars then explained for the benefit of the virgin geek demographic: "Obviously the sex is not the same as in real life, but you're still expressing yourself in a way that would, maybe reasonably, upset a partner."
The bottom line is, the BBC explains at some length (fnarr, fnarr, etc) that shagging online is not a patch on the real thing, although you do get to have sex with animals if that's your cup of tea without the cops battering down your door and dragging you to a cop shop to confront a sobbing goat.
Mind you, there are perils. A couple recently divorced after the bloke's missus him caught going at it hammer and tongs in Second Life. Gabby Kent, a lecturer in computer games at the University of Teesside, warned: "In Second Life, all the characters are real people somewhere in the world and that's why there's always such betrayal felt."
Doubtless there are some serious sociological conclusions to be drawn from Sadville's frankly shocking sex shenanigans, but we don't much care apart from the pressing question of just how many avatars are equipped with todgers like cocktail sausages or chesticles resembling sun-baked walnuts? Not many, we reckon. ®
do you hear voices?
The voice of enquiry asks, "where was the BBC was when Rockstar Games released Grand Theft Auto (san Andreas) with the 'hot coffee' patch embedded".
The voice of reason replies, "the fucking hypocrites".
The voice of humanity ignores them both and goes back to ramming police cars for fun and shooting street dealers for $2000.
@AC re: World of Warcraft et al...
In the words of the Nottingham band "Arse Full of Chips"
#I went to HMV
#And bought my very own copy
#I put it on my PC
#And my penis went permanently floppy
#Now I play this game all the time
#Because all of my friends are online
#It's the World of Warcraft!
#Open your curtains and get off your arse
#It's the World of Warcraft!
#I like pwning noobs...
(cue other verses slagging off Facebook, Myspace, Bebo...)
Is it possible to purchase both a dong and a flossy and then fuck yourself?
I might give it a go, sounds like fun.