Nokia Siemens Networks in 'synergy-related headcount restructuring'
9,000 culled to the sound of whalesong
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We're absolutely delighted to announce that Nokia Siemens Networks is in the final stage of its 'synergy-related headcount restructuring' in which a total of 9,000 workers are culled to the sound of whalesong.
Yup, this must rate as one of the greatest euphemisms ever for showing employees the door, and just to demonstrate how keen Nokia Siemens Networks is on the phrase, check out this press release on the matter.
Highlights include: "Nokia Siemens Networks has completed the preliminary planning process to identify the proposed remaining headcount reductions necessary to reach its previously announced synergy-related headcount adjustment goal."
There's more: "To date, the company has achieved an adjustment of more than 6,000 employees and continues to expect a total synergy-related adjustment of approximately 9,000 employees."
Oh go on then, let's have a quote from Simon Beresford-Wylie, chief executive officer of Nokia Siemens Networks: “With the successful completion of these plans, we will have the vast majority of the synergy-related headcount reductions completed and we can then start to put this chapter of our history behind us and focus on creating a world-class company.”
Not had enough synergy? Cue Bosco Novak, head of human resources at Nokia Siemens Networks: “It is our goal to engage constructively with employee representatives in Finland, Germany and other countries to quickly and fairly achieve these needed changes so we are able to remove the ongoing uncertainty that our employees have about synergy-related headcount reductions.”
Enough. We were going to count just how many times the press release uses the word "synergy", but for some reason completely lost the will to live about halfway down. We're off to the pub now, for some synergy-related reduction in the contents of pint glasses full of beer. ®
Bootnote
Thanks to Mike Richards for the tip-off.
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COMMENTS
@ Kevin Pollock
How about "Unternehmenszusammenschlusspersonalverringerung" ?
That literally translates as "enterprise merger (related) workforce reduction"
It has to be made up entirely of nouns, so that explains your trouble putting a verb in there.
And btw, I would strongly advise not to use words like "Beseitigung" (= disposal) in connection with human beings, that's so last century...
synergy
Think I'll try a glass of that...
<burp>
--Glenn
It's OK to be sceptical...
but the fact is the reductions have not been a bloodbath. I am one of the former NSN employees in that figure. I was outsourced last year and sure I feel bummed but I kept my employment and salary. Most of the reductions have been "soft" - outsourced, moved internally or folks left on their own accord. Lots left simply because of the merger - working for Nokia meant something. NSN has none of the appeal. In Finland only a couple dozen were actually laid off if you are to believe news sources.
Re. Synergies yes it's corporate speak but it does have a meaning. Two companies merging means overlapping functions can be cut. So James and Chris, in your haste to spout you failed to realize the cuts were due to the merger and hence planned about two years back, not due to the recent downturn. I was culled in the first wave and everyone knew more "announcements" were due.
Re. N810 please note it's a Nokia product nothing to do with NSN.
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