Feeds

Daily Mail hacks get emergency bird flu jabs

Swan-roasting Albanian H5N1 threat: What every parent should know

Combat fraud and increase customer satisfaction

There's some good news today for those of you concerned that as the impending bird flu pandemic apocalypse sweeps the UK - decimating the population in scenes of horror not witnessed since the last visitation of the Black Death - you might not be able to expend your dying breath expressing your anger that swan-roasting Albanian immigrants are actually to blame for the H5N1 catastrophe.

Fear not, because the Daily Mail will be on hand to provide the complete, unexpurgated truth, since management has decided to offer hacks doses of Tamiflu as part of its "Pandemic Influenza Management Scheme".

In fact, the powers that be will dispense free emergency medical rations to all Daily Mail and General Trust (DMGT) staff, and those who actually have close friends and/or family who still talk to them can buy Tamiflu to protect their chums and loved ones.

In a letter to employees at DMGT tentacle Northcliffe, revealed by The Press Association, group employment affairs director Ken Thompson issued the chilling warning that “recent scientific and press coverage have highlighted the threat of a possible influenza pandemic”.

The missive continues: “History has taught us that pandemics of this nature do occur - there were three in the 20th Century. Scientists believe that a flu pandemic is inevitable. It could result in large-scale illness and fatality. It would also lead to significant and sustained disruption to our businesses.

"The development of a vaccine to treat a pandemic virus cannot begin until there is an outbreak of the emerging strain. A vaccine would therefore not be available to the general population for six months after the start of the pandemic."

Yes, by which time everyone would be dead. Accordingly, Thompson said the company had decided "do everything we can to protect the occupational wellbeing” of staff.

Well, fair play to DMGT in moving with lightning speed to implement its "Pandemic Influenza Management Scheme". It seems like, oh, just a couple of years ago that trembling boffins warned that H5N1 promised to do what the combined forces of AIDS, bubonic plague, cholera, typhoid, malaria and ebola had dismally failed to achieve: A headline-worthy viral armageddon which could be firmly pinned on dole-scrounging Kosovar gypsies smuggling infected Vietnamese chickens through the Channel Tunnel. ®

3 Big data security analytics techniques

More from The Register

next story
Forget the beach 'n' boardwalk, check out the Santa Cruz STEVE JOBS FOUNTAIN
Reg reader snaps shot of touching tribute to Apple icon
Oz bank in comedy Heartbleed blog FAIL
Bank: 'We are now safely patched.' Customers: 'You were using OpenSSL?'
Happy 40th Playmobil: Reg looks back at small, rude world of our favourite tiny toys
Little men straddle LOHAN, attend tiny G20 Summit... ah, sweet memories...
Spanish village called 'Kill the Jews' mulls rebranding exercise
Not exactly attractive to the Israeli tourist demographic
Lego is the TOOL OF SATAN, thunders Polish priest
New minifigs like Monster Fighters are turning kids to the dark side
Dark SITH LORD 'Darth Vader' joins battle to rule, er, Ukraine
Only I can 'make an empire out of a republic' intones presidential candidate
Chinese company counters pollution by importing fresh air
Citizens line up for bags of that sweet, sweet mountain air
Google asks April Fools: Want a job? Be our 'Pokemon Master'
Mountain View is prankin' like it's 1999...
prev story

Whitepapers

Designing a defence for mobile apps
In this whitepaper learn the various considerations for defending mobile applications; from the mobile application architecture itself to the myriad testing technologies needed to properly assess mobile applications risk.
3 Big data security analytics techniques
Applying these Big Data security analytics techniques can help you make your business safer by detecting attacks early, before significant damage is done.
Five 3D headsets to be won!
We were so impressed by the Durovis Dive headset we’ve asked the company to give some away to Reg readers.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Securing web applications made simple and scalable
In this whitepaper learn how automated security testing can provide a simple and scalable way to protect your web applications.