Feeds

Breakup with Sadville lion ends in kidnap plot, duct-taped dog

Happiness is a warm laser sighted taser

Security for virtualized datacentres

In Sadville, they were close. But in our world, the relationship quickly took a turn for the worse. He dumped her. She walked into his office with a gun and tried to kidnap him. And when that failed, she broke into his apartment with handcuffs, some duct tape, a taser, a BB gun, and a dog named Gogi, shining some sort of "laser beam" onto his chest before he fled the scene and called the cops.

According to a Philadelphia-area TV station, local police in nearby Delaware have apprehended 33-year-old North Carolinian Kimberly Jernigan after she turned on her ex-virtual lover, a 52-year-old man who masqueraded as a lion while dodging flying penises inside Sadville.

They met on Sadville's virtual streets, but after the pair laid eyes on each other in our world, the virtual lion/52-year-old man ended the relationship, "sending Jernigan into a downward spiral."

Earlier this month, the North Carolinian allegedly drove to her ex-virtual lover's Pennsylvania workplace and attempted to kidnap him at gunpoint. But he got away. Then, two weeks later, she returned to Pennsylvania, posing as a postal worker in an effort to uncover the manimal's home address.

Four days later, investigators say, she found his apartment and broke in - alongside her dog. When her ex-virtual lover got home last Thursday, he "saw someone pointing an object at his chest that was projecting a laser beam."

We're guessing Jernigan sprung for something along the lines of the Air TASER® Weapon Laser Sight Weapon System:

Air Taser

Air TASER® Weapon Laser Sight Weapon System (with some smoke and a faux cop)

When the police arrived, they found not only a taser, but a pair of handcuffs, a roll of duct tape, and a BB gun. And her dog was in the bathroom, duct tape around his jaw. Apparently, Gogi made a bit too much noise during the break-in.

About an hour later, Jernigan's vehicle was spotted at a highway rest stop, and she was taken into custody after a brief struggle. In our world, she faces charges of attempted kidnapping, burglary and aggravated menacing. In Sadville, she doesn't. ®

Beginner's guide to SSL certificates

More from The Register

next story
Bono apologises for iTunes album dump
Megalomania, generosity and FEAR of irrelevance drove group to Apple deal
Facebook, Apple: LADIES! Why not FREEZE your EGGS? It's on the company!
No biological clockwatching when you work in Silicon Valley
Arab States make play for greater government control of the internet
Nerds told to get lost in last-minute power grab bid at UN meeting
Apple SILENCES Bose, YANKS headphones from stores
The, er, Beats go on after noise-cancelling spat
Doctor Who's Flatline: Cool monsters, yes, but utterly limp subplots
We know what the Doctor does, stop going on about it already
Zippy one-liners, broken promises: Doctor Who on the Orient Express
Series finally hits stride, but Clara's U-turn is baffling
Don't bother telling people if you lose their data, say Euro bods
You read that right – with the proviso that it's encrypted
America's super-secret X-37B plane returns to Earth after nearly TWO YEARS aloft
674 days in space for US Air Force's mystery orbital vehicle
10 Top Tips For PRs Considering Whether To Phone The Register
You'll Read These And LOL Even Though They're Serious
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Win a year’s supply of chocolate
There is no techie angle to this competition so we're not going to pretend there is, but everyone loves chocolate so who cares.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.