Feeds

Breakup with Sadville lion ends in kidnap plot, duct-taped dog

Happiness is a warm laser sighted taser

Beginner's guide to SSL certificates

In Sadville, they were close. But in our world, the relationship quickly took a turn for the worse. He dumped her. She walked into his office with a gun and tried to kidnap him. And when that failed, she broke into his apartment with handcuffs, some duct tape, a taser, a BB gun, and a dog named Gogi, shining some sort of "laser beam" onto his chest before he fled the scene and called the cops.

According to a Philadelphia-area TV station, local police in nearby Delaware have apprehended 33-year-old North Carolinian Kimberly Jernigan after she turned on her ex-virtual lover, a 52-year-old man who masqueraded as a lion while dodging flying penises inside Sadville.

They met on Sadville's virtual streets, but after the pair laid eyes on each other in our world, the virtual lion/52-year-old man ended the relationship, "sending Jernigan into a downward spiral."

Earlier this month, the North Carolinian allegedly drove to her ex-virtual lover's Pennsylvania workplace and attempted to kidnap him at gunpoint. But he got away. Then, two weeks later, she returned to Pennsylvania, posing as a postal worker in an effort to uncover the manimal's home address.

Four days later, investigators say, she found his apartment and broke in - alongside her dog. When her ex-virtual lover got home last Thursday, he "saw someone pointing an object at his chest that was projecting a laser beam."

We're guessing Jernigan sprung for something along the lines of the Air TASER® Weapon Laser Sight Weapon System:

Air Taser

Air TASER® Weapon Laser Sight Weapon System (with some smoke and a faux cop)

When the police arrived, they found not only a taser, but a pair of handcuffs, a roll of duct tape, and a BB gun. And her dog was in the bathroom, duct tape around his jaw. Apparently, Gogi made a bit too much noise during the break-in.

About an hour later, Jernigan's vehicle was spotted at a highway rest stop, and she was taken into custody after a brief struggle. In our world, she faces charges of attempted kidnapping, burglary and aggravated menacing. In Sadville, she doesn't. ®

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

More from The Register

next story
Phones 4u slips into administration after EE cuts ties with Brit mobe retailer
More than 5,500 jobs could be axed if rescue mission fails
Driving with an Apple Watch could land you with a £100 FINE
Bad news for tech-addicted fanbois behind the wheel
Special pleading against mass surveillance won't help anyone
Protecting journalists alone won't protect their sources
Phones 4u website DIES as wounded mobe retailer struggles to stay above water
Founder blames 'ruthless network partners' for implosion
Radio hams can encrypt, in emergencies, says Ofcom
Consultation promises new spectrum and hints at relaxed licence conditions
Big Content Australia just blew a big hole in its credibility
AHEDA's research on average content prices did not expose methodology, so appears less than rigourous
EMC, HP blockbuster 'merger' shocker comes a cropper
Stand down, FTC... you can put your feet up for a bit
Vodafone to buy 140 Phones 4u stores from stricken retailer
887 jobs 'preserved' in the process, says administrator PwC
prev story

Whitepapers

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops
Balancing user privacy and privileged access, in accordance with compliance frameworks and legislation. Evaluating any potential remote control choice.
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.
WIN a very cool portable ZX Spectrum
Win a one-off portable Spectrum built by legendary hardware hacker Ben Heck
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Beginner's guide to SSL certificates
De-mystify the technology involved and give you the information you need to make the best decision when considering your online security options.