Feeds

Otto Z. Stern possibly dead at 57

The first day of the rest of my heroism

Combat fraud and increase customer satisfaction

And Ninthly Friends, fans, tireless proles who hope for just a taste of all I've enjoyed - I must bid you "goodbye" or at least "see you later."

After years writing The Register's most penetrating pieces on technology and society, I'm putting down the pen and picking up the sword. Well, in fact, I'm picking up a Haggenrozzle 2980 earth mover-cum-crust buster. On Friday, I will begin guiding this machine toward the center of the Earth, as I go on the most fantastic voyage unknown to man.

Those of you who understand anything about crustal and core exploration will be pleased to learn that I've purchased vast quantities of aluminum foil and lubricant. My Haggenrozzle 2980 now looks like a true gooey, silver-plated dildonic worm of Justice. Hoorah!

You might wonder why I want to go to the center of the Earth and why I'm willing to take such a risk. Thats understandable.

Well, I've basically had it with technology and humanity. My housemaid Frieda has turned insubordinate, and my houseboy Gunter has started to regrow his arm hair. Meanwhile, Apple has come back from the dead by selling over-priced disk drives to a gullible public, and people have traded in their skepticism around Microsoft for worshiping Google.

As it happens, I have proof that Google is evil. I packed the proof into a condom full of heroin and swallowed it last week. When you people are ready to grow up, you can dig to the center of the Earth and sort through my guts and poo just to figure out how wrong you've been. (Or please talk to Pat Sajak. He knows the score. Think about it.)

Anyway, this is probably the last you will hear from me. I think it will take about a month to reach the Earth's core, and am not 100 percent convinced that this Reynolds Wrap is going to pass the magma test. Also, there's just enough room in the Haggenrozzle 2980 for two weeks' worth of provisions. But only pussies take the easy way out, and I'm pretty confident that there's an untapped food source about 12,800 feet into this thing we call home.

I've really enjoyed my time here at The Register and thank all of you who recognized how special I am.

Someone please take care of the cats. Send guns not flowers.

Viva Ceviche! ®

Otto Z. Stern is a director at The Institute of Technological Values - a think tank dedicated to a more moral digital age. He has closely monitored the IT industry's intersection with America's role as a world leader for 30 years. You can find Stern locked and loaded, corralling wounded iLemmings, talking, knobbing it with Sara Lacy, drinking and driving, reflecting on Anna Nicole Smith's American chest, fearing Intel Inside Chinese golf clubs, going to the center of the Earth, suppressing Bill Gates U, digesting head mash, developing strong Mexican engineers, fearing pink Yahoo!, corrupting his youth in Sadville, masticating beta culture, finding the new Bill Gates at Facebook, booing our soccer team, following Jimmy Wales, despising U-Haul, nursing an opal-plated prostate, spanking open source fly boys, Googling Bro-Magnon Man, wearing a smashing suit, watching Dead Man, dropping a SkyCar on the Googleplex, spitting on Frenchmen, and vomiting in fear with a life-sized cutout of Hilary Rosen at his solar-powered compound somewhere in the Great American Southwest.

Top three mobile application threats

More from The Register

next story
Och aye! It's the Loch Ness Monster – but only Apple fanbois can see it
Fondleslab-friendly beastie's wake spotted... OR WAS IT?
Spanish village called 'Kill the Jews' mulls rebranding exercise
Not exactly attractive to the Israeli tourist demographic
Sleuths find nosy NORKS drones on the Chinternet
UAVs likely to have been made in the Middle Kingdom
Oz bank in comedy Heartbleed blog FAIL
Bank: 'We are now safely patched.' Customers: 'You were using OpenSSL?'
Dorian Nakamoto gets $23,000 payout over Bitcoin invention saga
Maintains he didn't create cryptocurrency, but will join community
Japanese boffin EYES up big bucks with strap-on digi-glasses
AgencyGlass saddles user with creepy OLED display
Forget the beach 'n' boardwalk, check out the Santa Cruz STEVE JOBS FOUNTAIN
Reg reader snaps shot of touching tribute to Apple icon
Happy 40th Playmobil: Reg looks back at small, rude world of our favourite tiny toys
Little men straddle LOHAN, attend tiny G20 Summit... ah, sweet memories...
prev story

Whitepapers

Mobile application security study
Download this report to see the alarming realities regarding the sheer number of applications vulnerable to attack, as well as the most common and easily addressable vulnerability errors.
3 Big data security analytics techniques
Applying these Big Data security analytics techniques can help you make your business safer by detecting attacks early, before significant damage is done.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Securing web applications made simple and scalable
In this whitepaper learn how automated security testing can provide a simple and scalable way to protect your web applications.
Combat fraud and increase customer satisfaction
Based on their experience using HP ArcSight Enterprise Security Manager for IT security operations, Finansbank moved to HP ArcSight ESM for fraud management.