Feeds

Otto Z. Stern possibly dead at 57

The first day of the rest of my heroism

Intelligent flash storage arrays

And Ninthly Friends, fans, tireless proles who hope for just a taste of all I've enjoyed - I must bid you "goodbye" or at least "see you later."

After years writing The Register's most penetrating pieces on technology and society, I'm putting down the pen and picking up the sword. Well, in fact, I'm picking up a Haggenrozzle 2980 earth mover-cum-crust buster. On Friday, I will begin guiding this machine toward the center of the Earth, as I go on the most fantastic voyage unknown to man.

Those of you who understand anything about crustal and core exploration will be pleased to learn that I've purchased vast quantities of aluminum foil and lubricant. My Haggenrozzle 2980 now looks like a true gooey, silver-plated dildonic worm of Justice. Hoorah!

You might wonder why I want to go to the center of the Earth and why I'm willing to take such a risk. Thats understandable.

Well, I've basically had it with technology and humanity. My housemaid Frieda has turned insubordinate, and my houseboy Gunter has started to regrow his arm hair. Meanwhile, Apple has come back from the dead by selling over-priced disk drives to a gullible public, and people have traded in their skepticism around Microsoft for worshiping Google.

As it happens, I have proof that Google is evil. I packed the proof into a condom full of heroin and swallowed it last week. When you people are ready to grow up, you can dig to the center of the Earth and sort through my guts and poo just to figure out how wrong you've been. (Or please talk to Pat Sajak. He knows the score. Think about it.)

Anyway, this is probably the last you will hear from me. I think it will take about a month to reach the Earth's core, and am not 100 percent convinced that this Reynolds Wrap is going to pass the magma test. Also, there's just enough room in the Haggenrozzle 2980 for two weeks' worth of provisions. But only pussies take the easy way out, and I'm pretty confident that there's an untapped food source about 12,800 feet into this thing we call home.

I've really enjoyed my time here at The Register and thank all of you who recognized how special I am.

Someone please take care of the cats. Send guns not flowers.

Viva Ceviche! ®

Otto Z. Stern is a director at The Institute of Technological Values - a think tank dedicated to a more moral digital age. He has closely monitored the IT industry's intersection with America's role as a world leader for 30 years. You can find Stern locked and loaded, corralling wounded iLemmings, talking, knobbing it with Sara Lacy, drinking and driving, reflecting on Anna Nicole Smith's American chest, fearing Intel Inside Chinese golf clubs, going to the center of the Earth, suppressing Bill Gates U, digesting head mash, developing strong Mexican engineers, fearing pink Yahoo!, corrupting his youth in Sadville, masticating beta culture, finding the new Bill Gates at Facebook, booing our soccer team, following Jimmy Wales, despising U-Haul, nursing an opal-plated prostate, spanking open source fly boys, Googling Bro-Magnon Man, wearing a smashing suit, watching Dead Man, dropping a SkyCar on the Googleplex, spitting on Frenchmen, and vomiting in fear with a life-sized cutout of Hilary Rosen at his solar-powered compound somewhere in the Great American Southwest.

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
Holy vintage vehicles! Earliest known official Batmobile goes on sale
Riddle me this: are you prepared to pay US$180k?
Criticism of Uber's journo-Data Analytics plan is an Attack on DIGITAL FREEDOM
First they came for Emil – and I'm damn well SPEAKING OUT
'Open source just means big companies can steal your code.' O RLY?
Plus: Flame of the Week returns, for one night only!
'It is comforting to know where your data centres are.' UK.GOV does NOT
Plus: Anons are 'wannabes', KKK says, before being pwned
NEWSFLASH: It's time to ditch dullard Facebook chums
Everything hot in tech, courtesy of avian anchor Regina Eggbert
Hey, you, PHONE-FACE! Kickstarter in-car mobe mount will EMBED your phone into your MUG
Stick it on the steering wheel and wait for the airbag to fire
Bible THUMP: Good Book beats Darwin to most influential tome title
Folio Society crowns fittest of surviving volumes
U wot? Silicon Roundabout set to become Silicon U-BEND
Crap-spouting London upstarts to get permanent road closure
prev story

Whitepapers

Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
Getting started with customer-focused identity management
Learn why identity is a fundamental requirement to digital growth, and how without it there is no way to identify and engage customers in a meaningful way.
10 threats to successful enterprise endpoint backup
10 threats to a successful backup including issues with BYOD, slow backups and ineffective security.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
The Heartbleed Bug: how to protect your business with Symantec
What happens when the next Heartbleed (or worse) comes along, and what can you do to weather another chapter in an all-too-familiar string of debilitating attacks?