Feeds

Otto Z. Stern possibly dead at 57

The first day of the rest of my heroism

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk

And Ninthly Friends, fans, tireless proles who hope for just a taste of all I've enjoyed - I must bid you "goodbye" or at least "see you later."

After years writing The Register's most penetrating pieces on technology and society, I'm putting down the pen and picking up the sword. Well, in fact, I'm picking up a Haggenrozzle 2980 earth mover-cum-crust buster. On Friday, I will begin guiding this machine toward the center of the Earth, as I go on the most fantastic voyage unknown to man.

Those of you who understand anything about crustal and core exploration will be pleased to learn that I've purchased vast quantities of aluminum foil and lubricant. My Haggenrozzle 2980 now looks like a true gooey, silver-plated dildonic worm of Justice. Hoorah!

You might wonder why I want to go to the center of the Earth and why I'm willing to take such a risk. Thats understandable.

Well, I've basically had it with technology and humanity. My housemaid Frieda has turned insubordinate, and my houseboy Gunter has started to regrow his arm hair. Meanwhile, Apple has come back from the dead by selling over-priced disk drives to a gullible public, and people have traded in their skepticism around Microsoft for worshiping Google.

As it happens, I have proof that Google is evil. I packed the proof into a condom full of heroin and swallowed it last week. When you people are ready to grow up, you can dig to the center of the Earth and sort through my guts and poo just to figure out how wrong you've been. (Or please talk to Pat Sajak. He knows the score. Think about it.)

Anyway, this is probably the last you will hear from me. I think it will take about a month to reach the Earth's core, and am not 100 percent convinced that this Reynolds Wrap is going to pass the magma test. Also, there's just enough room in the Haggenrozzle 2980 for two weeks' worth of provisions. But only pussies take the easy way out, and I'm pretty confident that there's an untapped food source about 12,800 feet into this thing we call home.

I've really enjoyed my time here at The Register and thank all of you who recognized how special I am.

Someone please take care of the cats. Send guns not flowers.

Viva Ceviche! ®

Otto Z. Stern is a director at The Institute of Technological Values - a think tank dedicated to a more moral digital age. He has closely monitored the IT industry's intersection with America's role as a world leader for 30 years. You can find Stern locked and loaded, corralling wounded iLemmings, talking, knobbing it with Sara Lacy, drinking and driving, reflecting on Anna Nicole Smith's American chest, fearing Intel Inside Chinese golf clubs, going to the center of the Earth, suppressing Bill Gates U, digesting head mash, developing strong Mexican engineers, fearing pink Yahoo!, corrupting his youth in Sadville, masticating beta culture, finding the new Bill Gates at Facebook, booing our soccer team, following Jimmy Wales, despising U-Haul, nursing an opal-plated prostate, spanking open source fly boys, Googling Bro-Magnon Man, wearing a smashing suit, watching Dead Man, dropping a SkyCar on the Googleplex, spitting on Frenchmen, and vomiting in fear with a life-sized cutout of Hilary Rosen at his solar-powered compound somewhere in the Great American Southwest.

Security for virtualized datacentres

More from The Register

next story
Are you a fat boy? Get to university NOW, you PENNILESS SLACKER
Rotund types paid nearly 20% less than people who didn't eat all the pies
Emma Watson should SHUT UP, all this abuse is HER OWN FAULT
... said an anon coward who we really wish hadn't posted on our website
Japan develops robot CHEERLEADERS which RIDE on BALLS
'Will put smiles on faces worldwide', predicts corporate PR chief
Bruges Booze tubes to pump LOVELY BEER underneath city
Belgian booze pumped from underground
Oz carrier Tiger Air takes terror alerts to new heights
Don't doodle, it might cost you your flight
Amazon: Wish in one hand, Twit in the other – see which one fills first
#AmazonWishList A year's supply of Arran scotch, ta
Let it go, Steve: Ballmer bans iPads from his LA Clippers b-ball team
Can you imagine the scene? 'Hey guys, it's your new owner – WTF is that on your desk?'
Oi, London thief. We KNOW what you're doing - our PRECRIME system warned us
Aye, shipmate, it be just like that Minority Report
prev story

Whitepapers

A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Beginner's guide to SSL certificates
De-mystify the technology involved and give you the information you need to make the best decision when considering your online security options.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.