... as the old BOFH. Back then, they taught users that the most important rule of computers was to not screw with the IT staff.

Oh yes, users who try to sound like an IT guru.

Every mine site I go to, you find several. When they see you have a laptop, all they want is to help you get it running faster... Or your porn collection. Thats usually first.

But when you boot into linux; Oh the look of confusion, followed by " Is that Vista?"

I love the mirrors, now _that_ is a class act. Every server room needs a 42mm thick glass door.

But How do you access the other room? Does it have the batcave pole in it? How do they disguise this down stairs? How do you stop the mirrors show the entrance? Will this be sort of like Brue Lee and the mirror room fight scene?

Ok nuff said.

Thanks for going back to one BOFH per week.

Brought a tear to my eye. Remenisent of old times, bright red axes and many a plastic chair in pieces. As opposed to the Boss.

We need one of those. We can keep it next to the cricket bat with "User Education Tool" painted onto it.

Brilliant! C|N>K

best BOFH in a while.

BOFH read! :D

Anyone up for an... extended lunchbreak, say at the pub across the street?

*tinkle*

..I can fix your caps lock problem, and the issue with your browser spellchecker. If you could give me your login ID and your IP address (start->run->cmd and then ipconfig).

Alternatively you can release the caps lock jam problem by resetting the moisture management system. The moisture management system flows through the whole machine and stops hard disks from sticking, and even flows down to the keyboard to release stuck keys. To top it up, shut down the PC (we don't want an accident) then unplug the powerlead from the computer, stick it in your mouth and salivate liberally.

Hes actually a talented individual that probably hasnt installed a spell checker for you so that he can make you look like the idiot you are.

The cattle prod in the anal orifice isn't a particularly good typing aid, is it?

"BY DOG IF THE BOSS TELL YOU TO DO SMOMEWTHIG YOUD BETTER DO IT I WOULD FRIRE THIS IDOIT IN A HEREATBEAT HOW DO YOU GIUYS STAY IN BISNESS OVER THERE ANYWAY"

Anybody care to count the spelling mistakes ?

I'd do it myself but I'm to busy checking my own spelling as I don't want to be flamed for it.....

"WHO DOES THIS GUY THINCK HE IS ANYWAY ... BY DOG IF THE BOSS TELL YOU TO DO SMOMEWTHIG YOUD BETTER DO IT I WOULD FRIRE THIS IDOIT IN A HEREATBEAT HOW DO YOU GIUYS STAY IN BISNESS OVER THERE ANYWAY" ... By JIM THE BOSS Posted Friday 15th August 2008 11:33 GMT

I might offer by staying off Dodgy Source and/or the Magic Soup and Mushrooms, at least until after Midday, JIMBO, and you don't have to SHOUT in CyberSpace for there is Nothing and Nobody Really there 42 Listen. Softly, softly, catchee Monkey

That was a Great BOFH Episode ..... with Masterful Control of Resource Restored and therefore, Presumably Titanic Mischief/Colossal Shenanigans in Future Store for In House Pleasures.

* Or would that Round Table be Turned ? How about if IT were ...AIMutual Pleasure? Would that need Controls or would one Just Abandon all Semblance of Order for the Pleasures that Delivers the Highest of Higher Orders?

Suck IT and See would always Reveal One's Future Needs and Possible Feeds....... which is what AI Betas are All about, too.

Why not make the wall fixed, and then install some secret door behind a movable rack. Something similar to the "executive bathroom" a few episodes back (Episode 8). Then if the size is questioned, a quick explanition that the building design required that "dead space" as sound deadening.

Mine is the one in bright orange w/ the new miniature cattl...err insulation tester in the built in holster.

Is it me, or is there an <irony> tag missing here?

Mine's the one with the mirror tiles and a fireaxe in the pockets

Hmm seems you are experiencing an ID10T error on your desktop. We'll just forward the entire contents of your email and personal documents to the Big Boss........purely so as you can continue to work whilst we "fix" your desktop. ;)

Management, Middle Management, and any other form of apparent managerial staff are not welcome here, be gone fool!

(Note: I concluded you really are of managerial caliber due to your poor spelling, lack of any grammar and DAMN CAPS LOCK!!!)

Now where is my axe.....There it is in the bird....

I love you.

you know either your a troll or the definition of stupid boss which plagues the world and results in the poor levels of productivity.

a) CAPS LOCK can be turned off as well as on

b) its a textual-web-comic

c)This site is written in UK English, perhaps some lessons in it would allow you to understand the subtleties of UK humour

d) We don't care, period, frankly a cull of middle management types like you would do the world a LOT of good and save a LOT of money

e) Perhaps you should try politics, seems you have the required low intellect level required to succeed as a politician?

I'm guessing humour is a concept one finds hard to grasp?

er... wtf?

paris.... she's probably confused by that comment too

Yet again

He's not been the same since they replaced him with one of those automated card entry systems. They didn't let him keep the uniform either.

Jim's wife

That'd be "too busy" then?

... that Amanfrommars was very nearly comprehensible?

Nice to see Jim The Boss failing to a) spell b) punctuate c) use upper and lower case (big and little letters) d) get the point of humour e) realise we don't care what he thinks. Gotta be a Merkin, surely?

either a stupid troll or a drunken troll with dyslexic tendencies (I have dyslexic issues but not dyslexia so I'm not mocking anyone)

The origin of the English language is the UK,shame people like Jimbo bring a bad name to those living in North America, I quite liked living there, more so than here really. Can we do them a trade, The USA can have some tuition on how to build a universal healthcare system and Britain can have GWB, I'm sure he would do well as a stand up comedian along side comical Ali ;-)

I didn't notice I was reading an amanfrommars comment until the 4th paragraph.

@JIM

of course it is spelled homur. Just like it is spelled 3 a day on your pillbox. Three is the number where you have just counted more fingers on your hand than fingers left on the same hand.

fantastic four quote

Flame on

the poor state of reading comprehension. Used to be, anyone who could read was required to be able to identify satire in 5 words or less. But now that the lower classes are allowed in the schools, far too many people are reading well beyond their comprehension level.

Jim, my boy, it was a noble effort. But ours is a dying breed, for soon the progressives will make it illegal to write that which the lowest simply cannot understand.

Oh man. You type Like Les Dawson plays the piano. It's a kind of genius.

Bear in mind that <irony> tags are practically mandatory round here. One of the first social skill that many BOFHs lose is the sense of humour.

Mine's the one with the the faraday cage and the chainmail fireaxe deflectors sewn into the lining ...

I cant find my "Amrerican" dictionary at this present time, can someone loan me theirs?

Paris - cause even shes not as phuqed up as this guy.....

FRIST OGF ALL IT SPELLEFD HOMUR NOT HUMOUR THIRD I DNOT KNOW WHAT UK ENGILSH IS YOU POEPLE SHUOLD SPEAK AMRERICAN LIKE THE REST OF THE WQORLD

Lol. Muppet.

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day.

Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Should have his own series.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/08/15/JTB_2008_episode_1

Dubya, is that you? Have you been drinking again?

http://www.dubyaspeak.com/ ..... A site dedicated to chronicling the misstatements of America's Mangler-in-Chief. .... http://tinyurl.com/58qc3w

SHUT UP!!!

Now that's said...

1. Its spelt humour, not humor (I assume you're dyslexic and meant humor not homur as you wrote). This is explained further in point three.

2. There is a point two between point one and point three. (Again, if you're dyslexic then please, no offence meant)

3. There is no such language as American, you all just speak bad English.

4. Capital letters in cyberspace is shouting, and is rude just like in real life.

5. More people speak Chinese than any other language, including English.

6. This is fiction, not reality. Think of it as being Dawsons Creek for IT people.

7. If you're as loud and rude in real life as you are here, then you'd be getting sued for racism and libel. (the BOFH is clearly not an idiot, and your comment about us speaking American like the rest of the world is racist).

I think I covered everything there that I wanted to.

Tux as I wish this corporate laptop ran linux instead of WinDoze. Still, at least its not Vista!

>FRIST OGF ALL IT SPELLEFD HOMUR NOT HUMOUR THIRD I DNOT KNOW WHAT UK ENGILSH IS YOU POEPLE SHUOLD SPEAK AMRERICAN LIKE THE REST OF THE WQORLD

Ah go on then, as I'm fascinated by the whiff of Troll

* Ogf, spellefd, Engilsh, poeple, shuold, Amrerican, wqorld

* Humour, or Humor, but not Homur

* What was second?

Can someone reset his Caps Lock please? Or get him a proper bosses laptop (etch-a-sketch do a fantastic range...)

"FRIST OGF ALL IT SPELLEFD HOMUR NOT HUMOUR THIRD I DNOT KNOW WHAT UK ENGILSH IS YOU POEPLE SHUOLD SPEAK AMRERICAN LIKE THE REST OF THE WQORLD"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

If that is meant seriously and not as some mad irony then you really ARE such a FOOL

It is UK based therefore also UK spellings... where "humor" as you INCORRECLTY spelled is written "humour"

BTW - Think you will also find "American" actually originates from this Fair Isle in europe now known as the UK, language wise that is anyway - the only TRUE "American" as far as a Nationality is concerned are the Native American Indians that us Poms sadly abused and took advantage of shortly after the the likes of the Mayflower arrived on those shores accross the Atlantic.

If you aren't serious - fair play for being the troll you are turning out to be!!!

Oh - and just WHERE was your Second point?

You appear to be lacking in numeracy skills as well as spelling and grammar!

All provided of course you are being serious!!

..of an old adage from my days at HBOS IT Support...

Give a man a fish and he'll feed himself for a day,

teach a man to fish and he'll feed himself for a lifetime.

Fix a users machine and it'll work for a day,

Teach a user to fix it themselves and they'll break it in a way you've never seen before..

Bravo sir, bravo.

As for the rest of you, hang your heads in shame, for you were trolled hard.

Good job, mister. Carry on - and yah boo to those who said that satire was dead.

I'm not the greatest at the subtlties of the UK variety, (due to my location, I'm better at the American variety) but I still get a hearty laugh out of these.. (Maybe the situation is more important than the dialect)

The dead bird, as I see some dead lusers on their way...

Reminds me of a user I had a long time ago. I was supporting OS/2.

She called up and I needed her to give me some information in the OS/2 directory.

I told her to open a command prompt and type CD \os2

Well, THAT was a mistake.

It took me nearly 15 minutes to get her to actually double click on the OS/2 Command prompt.

Then, I told her to type it. She got an error.

I spelled it.

She typed.

Error.

Went through it one character at a time.

She typed.

Error.

Went through this 5 times.

I couldn't get her to put in CD \OS2

It just wasn't happening. So, I told her to hold on. Put the phones on transfer so the rest of the helpdesk could take the rest of the calls, and then walked to her desk.

About 15 minutes later, when I stopped laughing, I was able to get the information and fix her computer.

I saw her screen.

What she typed.....

CEE DEE SPACE SLASH OS/2

ce de space /os\2

cee d os\2

C D SPACE OS\2

C D SPACE os/2

As far as the ID10T comment for poor misguided Jim (who seems to be trying, unsuccessfully at humor (or humour))....

I was working at big blue. My boss told me that I needed to collect records of every desk visit and people had to sign off on them.

The Incident and Defect Tracking system was born.

ID 1 T Hardware failure

ID 2 T Hardware installation

ID 3 T Software installation

ID 4 T Software configuration

ID 5 T Operating System installation

ID 6 T Operating System Upgrade

ID 7 T Network configuration

ID 8 T Network cabling upgrade.

ID 9 T User training

ID 10 T User error.

Every user error tracking page signed off by a manager was taped to the wall in the lab. It took them 3 months to figure out.

This thread of everyone responding to Jim The Boss as if he was serious, really makes me sad. A lot of ID10T errors in this userbase.

"5. More people speak Chinese than any other language, including English."

Only as a first language. More people speak English overall as first or secondary languages. Of course you could argue the "more people speak Chinese" by demanding to know which version of Chinese. They are quite distinct......unlike AmeriKan Eeeenglish, or Indian Call Centre English. (Hello my name is Gupta...err I mean Bob)

Maybe Jim is Comical Ali as noted above. Hey Jim post us a pic and we'll compare you to Comical Ali ;)

http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com

Er amanfrommars........what gives ?? Lucid, almost 100% clear posts that make sense ?? Its a ruddy imposter !!!!

Penguin as I just finished reading the Global Warming thread and it reminded me of Penguins :)

Who are the ones with the humor problems? You should all pull your heads out of the Queen's ass and maybe read Jim The Boss's posts again. It's a hell of a lot funnier than the constant BOFH-wannabe wanking that everyone seems to post when there's a new story up.

Axes on the walls are simply great. Makes the whole place look like the lair of a brutal overlord... And you're never more than a few steps away from a LART if you ever need one.

Oh wait, with the BOFH around, it is the lair of a brutal overlord.

The part about training lusers... Suffices to say, my boss has the "teach me everything you know because I want to be able to do it myself" attitude.

Whaddaya mean sad? I got more laughs out of this thread than I did from this week's BOFH.

And that's saying something.

I think you'll find your "Amrerican" dictionary is behind the sofa.

I haven't quite decided if Jim the Boss is a demented AI or an amusing troll. Either way, I've seen worse typing from actual bosses....

Don't let one loud mouth (or MOUTH) bafoon cloud you opinion of the rest of us.

As for English, there are many eccentricities in it. Even the Chinese have different dialects and writing styles (traditional and simplified). So when there is a Universal English then you, we, us can complain.

Please forgive any misspellings as I am at lunch and couldn't be stuffed.

shutdown -h now

JIM IS JIMBASTARD AKA AMERICAN RIPOFF OF BOFH

Sell a man a fish, and you have sold one fish.

Teach a man to fish, and you can sell him overpriced proprietary bait and tackle for the rest of his life.

Hang on there - not all us 'Merkins are like Jim the Boss. Some of us can spell just fine - and even understand your humour. ;-)

"I AM CRETINLY"

I mean, really, doesn't that just say it all? Cretin indeed.

"I AM CRETINLY"

Doesn't that just say it all? Cretin indeed.

(And here's hoping this doesn't post twice)

Please do not hold Jim as a measure of Americans, him just a baby!

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Jim has been trolling the Computerworld Shark Tank forums for a while - guess he found a new soapbox to gnaw and drool on.

Thumbs up for trolling people who really should have known better...

So much for that wish. I really need to stay away from lusers a bit more often. They're contagious.

Hey, no offense to you or any of the other reasonable 'Merkins!

We had a similar list of fault codes and found that all could be replaced by a single code that i origionally saw here, PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)...

I've even been known to code this into applications in the title bar of relevant message boxes allowing the helpdesk to file lusers requests appropriately...

*yawn*

Mines the blue one with the LART in hidden inside pocket (it's a big pocket too).

BOFH and PFY should add another glass cabinet in the stairwells,

with a Sledge Hammer. Label the case "Precision Computer

Alignment Tool---Apply either to machine or user to solve problem.

Warning: Use on Boss may have unpredictable results!"

As long as Boss doesn't try it out on the mirror tiles...

Who cares if he's a troll? His appallingly spelled ramblings provide a dose of extra amusement to the comments page.

Hmm..."I don't care for NASCAR or any other kind of racism" (sorry, couldn't resist translating) - strange, I always thought NASCAR was a kind of motorsport...

And the biggest indication that he's either a troll or is in serious need of improving his hand-eye coordination:

"IT SPLELLED BUFFOON"

Surely anyone genuine would have ensured the second word was "spelled" correctly?

Now, could someone please invent an all-metal keyboard with integrated high-voltage transformer, wired up to a modified spellchecker that lets lusers know in no uncertain terms that their life expectancy will be greatly enhanced through the use of correct spelling....

>>Bzzzzzt!<<

Oops, anyone fancy fried luser for lunch?

The Germanic - Angle - Engle - Englisc - English language spoken now in the UK is as far removed from the English spoken in 1775 as American English is. In fact since English was an underclass language, a greater percentage of Americans would have spoken English than in England where the uperclass Normans speaking French ruled for many centuries. Also, the most prominent dictionary used in American schools is "The American Heritage Dictionary". Oh and, Paul Donnelly, saying "bad English" is poor English.

"AND I AM CRETINLY NOT A LIBREL"

Nope. You write like Dubya talks so there was no doubt there.

Makes this life-long Republican proud that's he decided to vote for Obama this time.

Cretin-ly? Like a Cretin?

And yes, I use Linux (when they let me...) -- and a translator when I visit the U.K. (thanks, Martin!). Do you even know where the U.K. is located on the map?

Let's all bait the troll...!

Well NO.

The upper classes back then would have still have spoken French as a second language (albeit in most cases fluently) and so that doesn't count.

And there is more that unites the speakers of "English" in this world than divides us. After all - even if JIM is a nutter who can't spell, and who rants like a 13 yr old jacked up on sherbet, we still understood him. He is a troll, clearly, so at the end of the day even if he's very amusing we all know that he just wants to provoke a slapping match under his bridge!

Paris just because.

http://www.jimisboss.com/mt/index.php

For those of us who can't be arsed googling.... the guy's got a whole site of affronts to spelling.

Warning: CAPS LOCK is indeed glued down!

I expect in future installments we shall find the PFY has added holography and concentrated beam weapon research to his list of avocations.

Thanks for showing how many people should just give up, stop swimming and sink to the bottom to drown; a special thanks to those, also, who left comments about Jim's apparent lack of humour (humor?)... It was you who made me shudder the most.

Can we get lifetime el reg bans for these muppets?

and into the Twilight Zone.

Amanfrommars is intelligible and someone else isn't.

Or is it just that Amanfrommars just SEEMS intelligible by comparison?

Nope. Just checked again after carefully avoiding JIM THE BOSS's posts and I can still understand Amanfrommars.

I think I need to lie down somewhere quiet for the rest of the afternoon...

Mine's the one with the 100-pack of Paracetamol and the ice pack in the pockets.

"ALLCAPS attempts to compensate for his limited rhetorical weaponry through the extravagant use of capitalized words - something netizens refer to as SHOUTING. Sure, a sprinkling of capitalized words can add some zip to a thrust, but they should be used sparingly. Even worse from a tactical point of view, too much shouting alerts other Warriors to the opponent's verbal WEAKNESS and emotional EXCITABILITY." ...... http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/warriorshtm/allcaps.htm

The BOFH and PFY appear to have struck a Chord with JIM THE BOSS or is it an Accord/Memorandum of Understanding that Bosses now follow IT Lead.

And the subtitle this week .... "BOFH: Burying the hatchet" ...... did have me thinking of Terry Pratchett and Elevated States of Alternate Awareness and therefore Solutions to and Escapes from the Madness in Reality in Sanity.

For example, I am who I am and you know who I am and I share what I do Virtually .... as does every Realised CyberIntelAIgently Designed Entity* in Such Space as This String.

It is QuITe ........ Sad and Revealing that so many are Cowed and Probable Borderline Paranoid Schizophrenic feeling Safer as Anonymous Cowards rather than Secure in Spooky AI and ITs Bespoke CID* Facility for Virtual Policing in the Cloud ........ Transparent Disclosure of Future Intent and Content.

What do El Regers think the New Server Room is For? And does IT have an AI Beta Titanic Loughside Mirror Reflecting and Refracting Mountain Views and therefore worth at least, in NEUKlearer terms, £20bn, on Assets of £160bn. ......... Invisible Earnings already Earned on and for a New Breed of Energetic Being[s]? ....... http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/industry_sectors/utilities/article4553489.ece

AmanfromMars Pinging Prudence's Bottle, Darling....... with AIMIghty Blighty Attack Force Tracking ITs Every Move. Now Jump to IT, you 'Orrible Shower. You're in the Balmy AIRArmy now...... and when you aint, you have AI Problems.

And in Simple Terms, which even the Slowest Witted can Understand? MI in Control of Quantum Communications HQs.

RSVP Clarence Goon....... Re Fitness for Future Purpose and Sovereign Wealth Funding of New SurReal Deals.

Hot CodeXXXX News for Real, El Reg. Try not to Fluff IT for IT is Cocked and Loaded/Primed to Fire and all you have to do is Share IT to Prevent IT XXXXPloding in Everone's Face/Place/Space.

How much Simpler can IT be Made for Anyone/Everyone?

Now there's a little something for everyone there and quite a bit more than any ever imagined or bargained for. C'est la Vie, ...and Get Used to IT for there is Always QuITE a Lot More to Come.

And Paris because from every angle IT is Hot CodeXXXX.

My day is complete. Now I can get a double dose of Jim the Boss' humor (humour for those living in Blighty... In the morning at the Shark Tank, and a bedtime laugh with El Reg. LNOG LIEVE JIM THE BSOSS...

Paris because even she might understand Jim.

DO YOU LIKE SKREWDRIVER?

http://jimisboss.com/mt/2008/06/conductig_business_enthicaly.php#comments

He's quoting Latin:

Assiduus usus uni rei deditus et ingenium et artem saepe vincit

translated:

Constant practice devoted to one subject often outdues both intelligence and skill (Cicero)

Jim's Creator, I would guess is Ron Enderland (http://www.irememberjfk.com/)

http://jimisboss.com/mt/2008/02/who_read_jmim_the_boss_anyway.php#comments

Amazing ...a whole website dedicated to trolling.

And here I thought that *I* had nothing better to do ...

Paris, because she's the boss.

...the unfortunate positioning of the 'Vodafone Exec Stabbed...' story, just above 'BOFH - Burying the hatchet'

Ouch.

>As far as the ID10T comment for poor misguided Jim (who seems to be trying,

>unsuccessfully at humor (or humour))....

>

>I was working at big blue. My boss told me that I needed to collect records of every

>desk visit and people had to sign off on them.

>

>The Incident and Defect Tracking system was born.

This is getting pinned to my desk...

However, working the helpdesk myself, I wholly agree that the fishing theory works, until that is you start dealing with People and IT....

"Fix a problem after it's happened and you've got a week before the next one, teach someone how to fix their own problems and you are constantly being called for advice...."

Also, I especially loved the comments both by and for good old JIMBO... anyone who meant their post seriously, though, need to chill out and move away from the heart attack. It's not worth it...

Paris, because she only ever wants the fix, never the lesson!

I see someone let you of the The Shark Tank

Long since I've seen such a succesful troll. I hope everyone's learned a lesson and JIM moves on to some other forums. kthxbai

There are only two types of Managers in the world, and the trick for us intelligent employees is to figure out which camp yours falls into. Unfortunately it seems to be that there is more of one type than another. That said lets see the two Management types.

Type A: Person who gets promoted to the job as they have the skill, tenacity and leadership abilities to do the job and make sure the business profits from their skills.

(Sadly a rare and endangered species in the buisness world)

Type B: Person who gets promoted up so that everyone else below can get on with doing their jobs and keep him/her out of the day with the shiny exec toys and out of the way of important visitors and clients. Often promoted as HR(sorry for the use of pseudo Job Titles here) have concluded that if they fire him/her they would face expensive and long legal bill, better to promote him/her up out of the way instead.

This type represents the vast majority of managers in most blue and white collar workers lives in a recent poll.

The correct management style for employees is to identify which category your manager is and manage them accordingly.

Or, rather, you owe me a new keyboard. Never mind saliva as someone suggested you use, I've just created an interesting sound effect using a mug of cheap instant coffee, non-diary creamer unt my last-but-one keyboard...

As for those who took "him" seriously, SHAME ON YOU! Anybody that "bad" could only be a p155-taker; if he really were that gorram stoopid, he wouldn't have found BOFH in the first place.

And English *is* the most widely-used language in the world, when you take into account the number of people for whom it is 'only' a second language. (Only, ha! How many of us Brits have difficulty enough with our own and don't have any idea of how to speak in a 'foreign tongue'?)

Of course, the fact that English doesn't so much "borrow" words from other languages, but consiously stalks them in dark alleys and beats them senseless before robbing them blind does go some way to explain how so many people find (bits) of englsh so easy to learn...

"Fabricatum diem, Pvnc!"

Sorry just had to give you a pat on the back your the most well fed troll i've seen this year.

and i'm ashamed of the El Reg commentators feeding him, shame on you.

No cattle prods for you this week as i'm confiscating them as punishment.

Has Simon been 'downsized'. If so, what has become of the 'poor' PFY?

I'm devastated, truly devastated.

Mines the one with the Union Card in the breast pocket.

I... can't... live... (cough, cough) difficult... (cough) to breathe...

I need... some... BOFH