Feeds

EU abolishes the acre

Blighty bows to Johnny foreigner's 0.4047 hectares

Remote control for virtualized desktops

The European Union has provided further evidence of its sinister plan to convert this once-proud nation into nothing more than a stuffed songbird-eating satellite of the Continent by "abolishing" the British acre, the Telegraph reports.

Centuries of proud history and culture were undone on 15 July when the government signalled its willing submission to Europe by sending a lightweight junior minister from the Department for Environment, Farming and Rural Affairs to "represent Britain's interests" at the acre-busting meeting.

In the event, Jonathan Shaw simply surrendered to Johnny Foreigner's hectare, and the Tories are naturally furious that El Gordo didn't see fit to dispatch a rather more robust politico, backed by several ships of the line, a squadron of Spitfires and a small force of Welsh archers.

Shadow Europe Minister Mark Francois thundered: "It is this kind of pointless interference into the nooks and crannies of our national life that frustrates people about the EU. Whether we use hectares or acres should be a matter for Britain to decide, not the EU.

"Once again this weak Labour Government has meekly given up yet another of Britain's rights to Brussels. They need to think again and insist that we must keep our right to use our ancient traditional measure of land if we wish."

But before you all start choking on your beef and oyster pies and despairing for Olde England, we should point out that the use of the hectare will be obligatory only "when land is being registered". So, old boys accustomed to chewing the fat over farm gates can rest assured that discussing Farmer Giles' two acres of wheat will not result in them being arrested by roving EU enforcement operatives disguised as bicycle-borne French onion sellers.

Just to be on the safe side, though, please note that the acre is now better described as 0.4047 hectares, or 194.78 NanoWales. ®

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

More from The Register

next story
Holy vintage vehicles! Earliest known official Batmobile goes on sale
Riddle me this: are you prepared to pay US$180k?
Criticism of Uber's journo-Data Analytics plan is an Attack on DIGITAL FREEDOM
First they came for Emil – and I'm damn well SPEAKING OUT
'Open source just means big companies can steal your code.' O RLY?
Plus: Flame of the Week returns, for one night only!
'It is comforting to know where your data centres are.' UK.GOV does NOT
Plus: Anons are 'wannabes', KKK says, before being pwned
NEWSFLASH: It's time to ditch dullard Facebook chums
Everything hot in tech, courtesy of avian anchor Regina Eggbert
Hey, you, PHONE-FACE! Kickstarter in-car mobe mount will EMBED your phone into your MUG
Stick it on the steering wheel and wait for the airbag to fire
Bible THUMP: Good Book beats Darwin to most influential tome title
Folio Society crowns fittest of surviving volumes
U wot? Silicon Roundabout set to become Silicon U-BEND
Crap-spouting London upstarts to get permanent road closure
prev story

Whitepapers

Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
Getting started with customer-focused identity management
Learn why identity is a fundamental requirement to digital growth, and how without it there is no way to identify and engage customers in a meaningful way.
5 critical considerations for enterprise cloud backup
Key considerations when evaluating cloud backup solutions to ensure adequate protection security and availability of enterprise data.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Managing SSL certificates with ease
The lack of operational efficiencies and compliance pitfalls associated with poor SSL certificate management, and how the right SSL certificate management tool can help.