Feeds

EU abolishes the acre

Blighty bows to Johnny foreigner's 0.4047 hectares

High performance access to file storage

The European Union has provided further evidence of its sinister plan to convert this once-proud nation into nothing more than a stuffed songbird-eating satellite of the Continent by "abolishing" the British acre, the Telegraph reports.

Centuries of proud history and culture were undone on 15 July when the government signalled its willing submission to Europe by sending a lightweight junior minister from the Department for Environment, Farming and Rural Affairs to "represent Britain's interests" at the acre-busting meeting.

In the event, Jonathan Shaw simply surrendered to Johnny Foreigner's hectare, and the Tories are naturally furious that El Gordo didn't see fit to dispatch a rather more robust politico, backed by several ships of the line, a squadron of Spitfires and a small force of Welsh archers.

Shadow Europe Minister Mark Francois thundered: "It is this kind of pointless interference into the nooks and crannies of our national life that frustrates people about the EU. Whether we use hectares or acres should be a matter for Britain to decide, not the EU.

"Once again this weak Labour Government has meekly given up yet another of Britain's rights to Brussels. They need to think again and insist that we must keep our right to use our ancient traditional measure of land if we wish."

But before you all start choking on your beef and oyster pies and despairing for Olde England, we should point out that the use of the hectare will be obligatory only "when land is being registered". So, old boys accustomed to chewing the fat over farm gates can rest assured that discussing Farmer Giles' two acres of wheat will not result in them being arrested by roving EU enforcement operatives disguised as bicycle-borne French onion sellers.

Just to be on the safe side, though, please note that the acre is now better described as 0.4047 hectares, or 194.78 NanoWales. ®

High performance access to file storage

More from The Register

next story
Spanish village called 'Kill the Jews' mulls rebranding exercise
Not exactly attractive to the Israeli tourist demographic
Forget the beach 'n' boardwalk, check out the Santa Cruz STEVE JOBS FOUNTAIN
Reg reader snaps shot of touching tribute to Apple icon
Oz bank in comedy Heartbleed blog FAIL
Bank: 'We are now safely patched.' Customers: 'You were using OpenSSL?'
Happy 40th Playmobil: Reg looks back at small, rude world of our favourite tiny toys
Little men straddle LOHAN, attend tiny G20 Summit... ah, sweet memories...
Lego is the TOOL OF SATAN, thunders Polish priest
New minifigs like Monster Fighters are turning kids to the dark side
Dark SITH LORD 'Darth Vader' joins battle to rule, er, Ukraine
Only I can 'make an empire out of a republic' intones presidential candidate
Chinese company counters pollution by importing fresh air
Citizens line up for bags of that sweet, sweet mountain air
Google asks April Fools: Want a job? Be our 'Pokemon Master'
Mountain View is prankin' like it's 1999...
prev story

Whitepapers

Top three mobile application threats
Learn about three of the top mobile application security threats facing businesses today and recommendations on how to mitigate the risk.
Combat fraud and increase customer satisfaction
Based on their experience using HP ArcSight Enterprise Security Manager for IT security operations, Finansbank moved to HP ArcSight ESM for fraud management.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Five 3D headsets to be won!
We were so impressed by the Durovis Dive headset we’ve asked the company to give some away to Reg readers.
SANS - Survey on application security programs
In this whitepaper learn about the state of application security programs and practices of 488 surveyed respondents, and discover how mature and effective these programs are.