Feeds

Shopper connects to Jesus via Denon link cable

Constructs shrine to $500 miracle

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

There's plenty of merriment on offer down at Amazon this week, where net wags have been having a bit of a field day with the Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable - modestly priced at $499.99:

The Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable as seen on Amazon

In case you're wondering why on God's Green Earth you'd want to pay 500 bucks for a cable, here's why:

If I could use a rusty boxcutter to carve a new orifice in my body that's compatible with this link cable, I would already be doing it. I can just imagine the pure musical goodness that would flow through this cable into the wound and fill me completely -- like white, holy light. Holding this cable in my hands actually makes me feel that much closer to the Lord Jesus Christ. I only make $6.25/hr at Jack In The Box, but I saved up for three months so I could have this cable. It sits in a shrine I constructed next to my futon in Mother's basement.

I only gave it four stars in my review because I can't find music that is worthy enough to flow through this utterly perfect interconnect.

You get the idea. Here's another review:

My best friend and I hooked up this Denon cable to my hi-fi system. Unfortunately my little sister, just before being grounded, turned on the CD player before me and my bud were ready. We tried to make it to the couch but the wave of incredible audio clarity enveloped us like an exploding nebula, I've never heard a Genesis CD sound so beautiful and yet be so terrified at the same time. My best friend sacrificed himself going behind the stereo system to reroute power to the out of phase amplifier. I buried my friend in a coffin the shape of a Star Trek branded MP3 player.

To boldly go where no audio has gone before..

Alternatively, try "This quantum tunneling ethernet cable is incredible!"...

The Denon AKDL1 cables increase polarized hyperbaric ethernet throughput to over 70 petabytes/second. This cable is the first in a series of nano-molecular para-polarized transparent aluminum cabling, soon to be standard in all Denon audiophile equipment.

Since carefully installing the Denon cables using the provided surgical gloves, my system has stablized in Hilbert space. Apparently the Denon AKDL1 performs polarized nanoscale quantum tunneling by using a custom transparent aluminum cable matrix to push parameterized vorgon particles through a dark fibre phase variant Heisenberg compensator. How they accomplish this for only $500, I don't know.

And finally:

I had my doubts when I decided to lay out the big bucks for a "cable." Little did I know, or frankly truly appreciate, the goodness that it would bring to not only my entertainment mecca, but my life in general. Ever since I brought this "little bit o' cable sunshine" into my house, my life has just taken off. Everything sounds and just feels better because of what I'm referring to as the "cable goodness spillover" effect. You name it, it sounds better. Garage door opener, dishwasher, washing machine. It doesn't matter. I've also noticed that women are really looking at me a lot. I mean a lot. You can just see the lust in their eyes!! It makes me feel so good, yet so dirty. Thank you Denon for changing my life for the better. Anxiously awaiting the arrival of the $1000 and higher cables to get to the next level of existence.

Good show. Aficionados of such gushing endorsements will, of course, be reminded of Peter Andre and Jordan's sensational album, the famous Oxo Tower and Playmobil's Security Check Point. ®

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
Brit telcos warn Scots that voting Yes could lead to HEFTY bills
BT and Co: Independence vote likely to mean 'increased costs'
Phones 4u slips into administration after EE cuts ties with Brit mobe retailer
More than 5,500 jobs could be axed if rescue mission fails
New 'Cosmos' browser surfs the net by TXT alone
No data plan? No WiFi? No worries ... except sluggish download speed
Radio hams can encrypt, in emergencies, says Ofcom
Consultation promises new spectrum and hints at relaxed licence conditions
Blockbuster book lays out the first 20 years of the Smartphone Wars
Symbian's David Wood bares all. Not for the faint hearted
'Serious flaws in the Vertigan report' says broadband boffin
Report 'fails reality test' , is 'simply wrong' and offers ''convenient' justification for FTTN says Rod Tucker
This flashlight app requires: Your contacts list, identity, access to your camera...
Who us, dodgy? Vast majority of mobile apps fail privacy test
prev story

Whitepapers

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops
Balancing user privacy and privileged access, in accordance with compliance frameworks and legislation. Evaluating any potential remote control choice.
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk
A single remote control platform for user support is be key to providing an efficient helpdesk. Retain full control over the way in which screen and keystroke data is transmitted.