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Eccentric brain-chip admiral expelled by toff schools

Flashmob goth Nostradamus war hero goes overboard

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A controversial ex-admiral, who warned last year of Western civilisation's possible 2035 destruction by revolting brainchipped middle-class flashmob Goths, has been ousted from his position as a public-schools chief*.

Rear Admiral Chris Parry seems to have been asked to resign by nervous headteachers in the toff-grooming sector, following incendiary public commentary to the effect that state schools are rubbish. As chief of the Independent Schools Council, he represented about 60 per cent of the fee-paying sector, including many famous names.

"Chris Parry has today, by mutual agreement, stepped down as chief executive of the Independent Schools Council. Although he was looking forward to making a difference in the sector, Chris has chosen to take up other opportunities he has been offered," said the Council in a statement.

Parry had previously hinted that a low proportion of state school pupils gaining admission to top universities such as Cambridge was only to be expected, as brainy kids at state schools were held back by bullying from junior chav scum and lacklustre performance on the part of workshy corduroy-clad state sector teachers. (Parry himself is living proof that expensive education doesn't always lead to a good university, however, having had to settle for a place at Oxford despite having been schooled at an £11k a year establishment.)

Before leaving the navy and becoming spokesman for private-sector schools, Parry headed up a thinktank at the MoD which was supposed to predict challenges and threats which might face the British armed forces in future.

Last year, the admiral's Ministry team of crystal-ball gazers came out with an entertaining if perhaps not terribly useful report in which they suggested a possible violent insurrection on the part of the middle classes, enraged beyond endurance by increasingly greedy super-rich fatcats on the one hand and ever-more-annoying welfare scrounger criminal parasite underclasses on the other.

The admiral had previously warned that the citadels of Western power might burn and topple like Rome invaded by the Goths, overwhelmed by endless tides of migrants who would fail to assimilate and remain linked to their home cultures by the internet and cheap flights. This was taken by many to be an excessively gloomy perspective on the undeniable problems caused by the hordes of Kiwis, Australians and South Africans sweeping through Blighty at present.

Parry's apocalyptic report seemed to suggest that the middle-class Goth revolutionaries might make use of telepathic powers conferred by cyber brain-implant technology to organise a swift and agile, unstoppable flashmob rebellion. The corrupt super-rich and the swarming dole-prole underclasses - like those of Rome - would soon be crushed.

Other notable predictions from Parry have included the idea of wireless bonce-antenna downloads making conventional education obsolete, and the danger posed to society by terrorists equipped with flying robots.

Before becoming a famous mad admiral, Parry had a distinguished naval career. By trade a helicopter observer in the Fleet Air Arm, Parry took part as a junior officer in the retaking of South Georgia from Argentine forces in 1982. In particular, Lieutenant Parry and his pilot, Lt-Cdr Ian Stanley, carried out the famous Fortuna Glacier rescue operation**. They were also involved in attacks which crippled the Argentine submarine Santa Fe, later captured by British forces. Parry was mentioned in dispatches for his efforts in the South Atlantic.

We look forward to the admiral's future career with keen interest. ®

Bootnotes

*For foreign readers: in Blighty, this means the expensive fee-paying schools where the children of the wealthy are educated and, perhaps, plugged into the hidden networks of power. The state schools, despite insisting that every teacher have a postgraduate teaching qualification (the pay schools dispense with this) are often seen as less effective.

**A party of SAS men, seeking to surprise the Argentine occupiers by approaching from an unexpected direction, had been landed on the hostile glacier. Sadly, freezing blizzard conditions soon brought the advance to a halt and the elite super-troopers were forced to call for rescue. After two naval helicopters had crashed trying to get them out - seriously depleting the air lift available to the British forces off South Georgia - Stanley and Parry managed to extricate the SAS and the downed aircrews.

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