Thus spake the Moderatrix

Your problems solved, the world set to rights

Why is it that no matter how many online forums I post on, I never get any responses flattering enough to validate my existence? I've tried all sorts of witticisms and pop-culture references, and yet still, at the end of the day, nobody seems to care. I've even pointed out people's grammatical and spelling mistakes, but nobody ever thanks me for it. Is my brilliance is too nuanced and subtle? Do I have to wait for Web the Third, or should I give Twitter a twirl?

Twanks.

Feargal

Ah Feargal, how often have I myself lain awake in my boudoir pondering just such agonising questions. We are kindred spirits, you and I - unforgivably unappreciated in our time, forced to plough a lonely net-based furrow of pedantry and general arsiness. All I can say is that we must somehow learn to appreciate and validate ourselves for the very special people that we are, strive to develop a better sense of ourselves as real achievers, and work towards acquiring the firm belief that everyone else on the internet is a twat. We can do it. It's gonna be alright.


When fishermen catch dolphin-friendly tuna, how do they know which tuna are being friendly to dolphins?

Anonymous Coward

Shut up.


Uummm. Could you lend me twenty quid till the end of the month?

Chris

Very well. But make sure it's back on the 31st because my best finger-breaking cosh isn't back from the repairers till June.


What do lemmings know that we don't?

Scott

The commonly-accepted idea that lemmings are driven to commit suicide en masse is nothing more than a myth, of ignoble origin. The Arctic rodents were in fact fitted up as mammalian Cobains by Disney, whose photographers actually drove a herd of the helpless creatures over a Canadian cliff for the wildlife "documentary" White Wilderness in 1958. Due to this appalling act of cruelty, which rather puts recent telly-fakery scandals in perspective, the fallacy has entered popular consciousness as fact and has endured remarkably as the decades have passed.

So, in answer to your question - why are you wasting my time and yours, Scott? I think perhaps there are bigger issues here than you are prepared to face.


Just how in the name of Dawkins can i stop my primal urges to choke the living sh1t out of stupid people?

Quick! they're coming to ask me questions again.. must .. not... reach... for .. gloves...

too late.

Spider

Ah, Spider. You're doing really, really well. Take it one day at a time. And if you should ever doubt yourself, remember - the old coal cellar is already full to bursting and we really should look into expanding into Mrs Fannington's basement next door. She'll never notice. The mad old boot.


Every male knows the One Rule of the Gents:

Thou Shalt Not Speak To Another Man While You Both Are In The Bog.

For this is true and right and good. Most of the people I know who were brought up in civilized society, and even some Americans, know the rule.

A co worker doesn't. Upon seeing me engaged in the favoured pass-time of Dr. James Riddle he had the bare-faced cheek to address me by name! I didn't answer, but my observance of the rules didn't enlighten him. He continued, delving into some horribly boring technical support problem. I finished and brushed past the incompetent in a hurry to exit (men aware of the rules know better than to wash their hands), and he *carried on speaking*.

So, my question is thus: Just what revenge should I take for this gross breach of human decency?

Stew

I regret, Stew, that I cannot address your sadly very common but no less traumatic problem in this open forum. The subject matter is too sensitive. However, meet me at Parsons Green at 3.19pm prompt and I will be delighted to provide you with instructions. Bring pliers, and a clean change of clothes.


how can I make enought time to read all the el-reg articles and play world of warcraft and install linix and also do my job

michael

Stop sleeping. Or, stop working. That should do it.


Alas, that's all I am able to do for now in terms of bailing out the ocean of human misery with my thimble. I do hope it's been helpful, and that perhaps you can face the howling emptiness of your Friday afternoon with a little more positivity. And now, bugger off again. ®

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