Dear Celltard,

As a cellular consumer, first and foremost, all I really want is reasonably reliable service at an affordable price. I would like to be able to conduct a cellular call, inside my domicile, from the comfort of my armchair, without the need of placing aluminum foil on one foot, placing an arm in the air and pointing my rear end towards the window, just to get better reception. I would like to have an understandable bill, with numbers that actually match up to what lured me into your Cellular cohort’s establishment. I would like a contract that makes sense. I would like a battery that lasts more than two hours.

Now, unlike those in a younger demographic, I am not distracted by shiny, glittery, techie distractions, like games, 3d games, Internet access, email access, to a lesser degree, texting capability, pre-programmed flashy ring tones (most of which suck ass to begin with), TV, movies, storage space for 10,000 MP3’s, yet only 100 contact phone numbers or the bleeding ability to control any device in my home, remotely.

Regardless of what the conspiracy theorists may say, we DO have the fucking ability to put a fucking man on the fucking moon, yet I can’t walk outside without getting even worse reception (mind you I have a tower approximately 300 meters from my humble abode). And you think we want more bells and whistles? Well for beginners, maybe stop accessorizing every damn component of a phone might be attractive, however, I’ve got issues.

Here’s a hint coming from a clearly defined “Type-A” personality who is frustrated with all of the consumer grade crap that you morons shove out every 3 weeks, in an attempt to capitalize on the latest hard-on de jour: How about a phone that continues to work after it’s been thrown?

Oh rue the day when a pleasant business call is ruined by the bearing of bad news and the only legal form of aggression I am permitted to exhibit is the occasional “mobe” lob out the car window? Too much? OK, I’m cool with the floor, an occasional wall but would be more than willing to compromise with a firm toss into the rubbish bin or pitch into the gentle grass via a bullet resistant glass window.

How about a phone that doesn’t suffer premature failure when subjected to high humidity? Please don’t interpret immersion with simple ambient relative humidity. Please?

If you really want to get creative, how about developing cellular technology that can sense the gentle flickering of 35 frames a minute and automatically puts the ringer on mute, say, if one were in a movie theater? Too exotic? OK, how about something with laser targeting? Nah, just kidding… I’d settle for the “drop test”; hell I might even be inclined to not throw the damn thing if it just worked consistently!

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to read my correspondence and I look forward, with great anticipation and glee, for your thought provoking and insightful response.

Yours truly, blah blah blah…

Seriously, remote control? And I thought Yahoo’s “Buddy Stalker” was a genius of an idea!

You have clearly lost it if you expect big business to listen to you, instead of telling you what you want .