Feeds

Teacher's head explodes due to Wi-Fi, mobe radiation

Pupils upload vid to slate-my-teacher cyberbully site

Intelligent flash storage arrays

April Fools New research carried out for British newspapers and broadcasters has revealed conclusive evidence that wireless technologies are in fact a severe hazard to human health.

In one controversial experiment, a middle-aged sociology teacher's head was actually caused to explode by a combination of Wi-Fi transmissions, deadly mobile phone radiation from pupils texting in class, and emissions from a nearby TETRA mast.

"It just blew up, man, like a dog in a microwave," said a shocked pupil, who declined to be named.

"Cool," added the traumatised adolescent.

Medical ethics investigators are now probing the fatal head blast brainsplatter incident at Greater Furtling comprehensive school in the leafy Cotswold commuter village of Twitchen Magna. It appears a mobile phone video of the detonating pedagogue was uploaded to YouTube in near real time, furnishing a wealth of graphic, if disturbing, evidence. In the interests of good taste the Reg has refrained from linking to the vid. Also, it has been taken down.

According to reports, deputy head of the school's sociology, media studies and sports sciences department Geoffrey Crumb, 42, had volunteered to take part in the new health experiments after suffering persistent migraines which he believed to be caused by "wireless radiation".

The headaches would strike with particular severity whenever Crumb was called upon to teach in class, supporting his theory that cyberbullying text-happy miscreant pupils armed with mobile gadgetry lay behind the crippling attacks.

Having been repeatedly subjected to ritual "double-blind" tests by a "gang" of physics and technology teachers in the staff room, who would laugh at him and snap towels when he failed to state correctly whether or not a given piece of equipment was switched on or off, Crumb was thought to have been easy prey when unscrupulous media technofear hypesters came knocking.

He agreed to take part in a series of experiments organised by groundbreaking fear-of-everyday-objects journalist Andrew Milligan, on behalf of the Independent and Panorama - the only UK media organisations with the courage to report on the fearful hazards of RF technology. In the trials, Crumb and other soft-studies teachers agreed to wear special monitoring headgear designed by Independent/Panorama scientists to measure radio-induced brain heating.

Reportedly, the headgear used a downward-oriented parabolic dish made from thin metallic sheeting to measure local radio radiation ray intesity, and was powered by a small on-head wind turbine following a suggestion from Conservative leader David Cameron. In-ear electrodes were used to monitor wearers' brain temperature.

"Suggestions that our measuring equipment had anything to do with this tragic incident are without foundation," commented Milligan in a lengthy leader this morning for the Indy.

"Mr Crumb's hugely newsworthy death, while of course extremely sad, has served to underline conclusively the terrible dangers attendant on digital wireless technology - and indeed all technology. How many more have to die before the government acts? When will this senseless waste of human lives end?"

Panorama is expected to broadcast mobile phone footage from several angles of the luckless corduroy's overheated brain bursting out of his cranium in a special post-watershed edition tonight, entitled Wi-Fi: We Told You So. A Reg leader article is also planned, subtitled "Vultures eat crow".

Internet conspiracy theorists are already circulating alternative explanations for Crumb's death. The notion of a US government-backed attempt by British police and spooks to transmit voices into Crumb's head from a nearby TETRA mast via his monitoring propellor-antenna hat, so driving him mad and discrediting the Gilligan Milligan investigation, is gaining wide credence. ®

Bootnote

April Fools!

Security for virtualized datacentres

More from The Register

next story
Crouching tiger, FAST ASLEEP dragon: Smugglers can't shift iPhone 6s
China's grey market reports 'sluggish' sales of Apple mobe
Sea-Me-We 5 construction starts
New sub cable to go live 2016
EE coughs to BROKEN data usage metrics BLUNDER that short-changes customers
Carrier apologises for 'inflated' measurements cockup
Comcast: Help, help, FCC. Netflix and pals are EXTORTIONISTS
The others guys are being mean so therefore ... monopoly all good, yeah?
Surprise: if you work from home you need the Internet
Buffer-rage sends Aussies out to experience road rage
EE buys 58 Phones 4u stores for £2.5m after picking over carcass
Operator says it will safeguard 359 jobs, plans lick of paint
MOST iPhone strokers SPURN iOS 8: iOS 7 'un-updatening' in 5...4...
Guess they don't like our battery-draining update?
prev story

Whitepapers

A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Beginner's guide to SSL certificates
De-mystify the technology involved and give you the information you need to make the best decision when considering your online security options.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.