was he shagging his own picnic table in his garden or somebody elses picnic table? i think that's a pretty central fact to my opinion here.

I mean it's just not on to go to a park and shag someone elses picnic table.

To be fair, I did see a picture of the table in question - and it was definitely asking for it...

He could have at least brought it dinner first though...

When a man shags a picnic table, that is not news, but if a picnic table shags a man ...

First bicycles, then vacuum cleaners, and now picnic tables.

Where will it end?

Bellevue resident Art Price Jr, 40, molested the round metal table on four occasions "between the hours of 10:30 am and noon"

Four times in 90 minutes? Mighty impressive, Sir.

FFS, you can't have sex, i.e. procreate with an inanimate object. This chap, the bicycle banger, the hoover humper and all the rest of them were using their 'partner' as masturbatory aids.

I can see how this is a news on the side of things, but I have to admit I fail to see the IT angle here... unless ofcourse the table was Vista compliant or indeed a Wifi-antenna...

Oooor the newest iSex addon til the naughty iPod/iPhone.........

.. was it a hardwood table?

Mine's the shabby flasher Mac, thanks.

"provided police with hard evidence of Price's perversion."

fnar fnar frnar.

He was clearly attempting a difficult join on the table..

Surely this could all be sorted out with a simple rollback?

"Four times in 90 minutes? Mighty impressive, Sir."

No. He had to keep stopping to get the splinters out.

The picnic table on my patio has a hole for the parasol. Must be at least 3" diameter. So, glad to see he's only average size only then.

Mayble it was a special version of Microsoft Surface. If not, the adult industry might want to patent the idea.

Has any organization gone out to talk to the table to work through this horrible violation of its civil liberties and to help it deal so that it does not in turn offend when it gets a bit older.

Com'on if it was Paris there would be videos everywhere.

- Cucumber sandwiches anyone?

Check out the bottom of the page ....Google ads:

Folding Picnic Table

Folding Picnic Table Info. Easy Folding Picnic Table Guide.

Picnic products for sale

Tool, cooler, chair, bag, mat Premium shopping, factory price.

-------- Incitement to commit a crime?

'Knights of the Round Table' somehow takes on a different meaning.

Could have been worse - what if the urge took him while visiting a garden centre?

His wife had asked him to "lay the table"...

Well no salad cream at his garden parties then

FTFA: Some neighbours are reportedly worried that Price's three school-age kids might take some stick if their school friends get wind of the scandal.

Hmmm, so is telling a TV reporter that Art Price Jr. has 3 children at the school down the road really the best way of preventing the school friends from finding out?

Charging him with porking his table near a school is a bit much. I think we've all had a tug at some point in vague proximity to something else that may not appreciate the aesthetics of the performance. was the table itself underage? And exactly who has been harmed by this sweet, sweet lovin'?

The Victorian practice of covering table legs has been vindicated.

Surely the kids would all have been in school?

Also, there's little chance a miner would have seen it as they're usually down t'pit at that time.

Mine's the table cloth with a hole in the middle...

..will the parasol say when he gets home?

Will the tables be turned?

Maybe he was jealous of the action the parasol was getting,

Maybe he needed to loosen up the hole a bit, add some grease so to say,

Meybe he was upset as the parasol turned down his advances.

Paris, cause well it is sex and now floating the internet.

Does anyone else think something might be amiss when Captain "Johnson" says "Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around."

Which for a story about a man pleasuring himself using the umbrella hole in a picnic table is so apt....

Mines the one with the toy police badge pinned to it.

It was a Pivot Table ?

Sorry..

If a man has to turn to shagging a picnic table, his wife must be one stone cold lass. Before resorting to a picnic table i can only imagine he built his wife the pyramids to try and get a slice.

Either that or was just warming the table for afternoon drinks

INSERT TOJR INTO TABLE; DROP TABLE

EXPLAIN PLAN...

One has to wonder if the umbrella pole was *In* on the act.

Looks like he got all the way to Homebase.

"A woman's like cactus and cactus can hurt

'Cause she's just a tight-waisted winky-eyed flirt

She'll soon have your land and your pride and your gold

And bury you deep long before you grow old

A four legged friend, a four legged friend

He'll never let you down

He's honest and faithful right up to the end

That wonderful one-two-three-four legged friend"

http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/a/afourleggedfriend.shtml

The critical question here (in line with the first commenter above) is whether it was a public or private performance. I can concede the complaint if it was public, but if it was private, what business is it of any third party?

Or are we supposed to assume that anything which can be captured on video by nosy neighbours is automatically public from now on?

Uh... how big was the hole? I don't know about you guys but the hole in my table is only 1.5" across...

@VampyreWolf: Observed temperatures in Bellevue, OH on March the 14th: 34-45°F (1-7°C) that might explain.

But that may also point out to nosy neighbours, in that weather on a metal table he'd have had a hard time to get hard, the guy might have invited the picnic table in, hence the uttermost arousal of the table & partner having sex in uncanny locations ... hmmm ... I'm getting carried away ... sorry.

Forgot to mention the guy's children's names: Al-Desk, Bench-amin & Chair-y.

So, how horny do you have to be, to be able to achieve orgasm by shoving your penis in either a splintery, hard table, or a cold steel tube? Never mind, not too sure I want to know...

So, he's dumped Rosie Palms & is now taken up with Patty O'Furniture.

...mine's the straitjacket.

...has nobody comments on what the police officer says "While sex with picnic tables is normally considered a misdemeanour"

NORMALLY????

FKN NORMALLY???? if there was ever an adjective used in completely the wrong way then this must take the biscuit.

Ahhh... my mistake, 'Normal' is such a subjective word... as in Normal for Norfolk... and now obviously Normal for America.. i learn such alot on El Reg.....

Paris Hilton because she might have been lying on the aforementioned table with Harry Potters cloak of invisibility on

Bellevue is about 30 minutes from here and I hear about it from a UK website? Twice in one month? First the incident in Ft. Wayne and now, just down the road? You bastards!

If Mr. Price committed that act in this city, he probably would have been shot.

Is is an April Fool's joke a day early?

Paris because she has taken a lot of stick, been captain of many johnsons, and probably been friendly with a few umbrella poles.

I keep thinking about his friends and guests.

"I was just there, wish I hadn't eaten that potato that fell off my plate"

"Just what did he mean, by ' I love this new table?'"

The Bloke shagging the table - or the chap videoing him shagging the table in the privacy of his Backyard.....

The question is "What is this guy used to?" Ouch! And to do it 4 times beggars belief.

...he was unable to afford the new play tables the kids had wanted to play picnic with, and this was the only way he could think of getting new little tables.

This then begs the question as to why he was sodomising the table? Surely if the table was on all fours (as most tables are) then he would have been going through the back door (as it were). Someone really needs to explain this to the chap.

Mind you, some experience of sodomy might stand him in good stead for a stint in prison.

IT angle, if he was trying to create tables, "Access" would've been a lot easier.

The table HOLE surely gave him a better time than his frigid wife AND

at the very WORST, the public display was at LEAST as clean as the rubbish they force on our children disguised as Sex Education!

Three CHEERS for the tableFocker!

He must have been uncircumcised or the friction would have been fatal to passion, SURELY?!! WHAT do YOU think, Benny Hen?

This sounds like an APril Fools joke to me, if not, this man needs to have a good word with himself!

Well we all know these self assembly instructions can be blurred or vague, so maybe he misunderstood "put complete erection in hole in centre".

I remember when I lived for a couple of years in Cupertino being surprised to read that the "city" had a absolute ban on houses more than 1 floor on the grounds that you could look into a neighbours garden (or more correctly "neighbors yard") from a first floor window! Perhaps they was a culture of garden furniture abuse going on that they wanted to keep hidden!

I've noticed somewhat of an alarming increase in the number of people getting caught mid-coitus with inanimate objects... Perhaps enough to warrant a new section for the site - El-Sex-Offenders-Reg?

"FFS, you can't have sex, i.e. procreate with an inanimate object. This chap, the bicycle banger, the hoover humper and all the rest of them were using their 'partner' as masturbatory aids." (you were trying to think of 'table thumper' to go with bike banger and hoover humper?)

I thought the hoover was quite animated at the time.... don't know about the byke tho tis quite possible the poor thing was thrashing about, and as for this chap's 4 legged friend, well it's hard to say without seeing the UToob vid of the action. Those neighbors really ought post one of the vids they have!

Mines the one with the holopix of my five legged pal on the back...

THe man is single. No women, or guy would touch a nut job like that.

If I was his land lord i'd be nervous about entering his place for clean up.

I certainly hope the mental health community in that area has grief counselors talking to the table's relatives and friends - especially the chairs who witnessed this horrendous act of abuse on their innocent friend - and that the victim has undergone testing for STDs and is receiving intense counseling to get through this sordid event. I send my condolences to the table's family in their time of despair, and wish them well along the round cold hard road they must follow....