Ohio man cuffed for shagging picnic table
Furniture-based public indecency caught on camera
An Ohio man has admitted to four felony counts of public indecency after a neighbour caught him on camera having sex with a picnic table, local news outfit WTOL11 reports.
Bellevue resident Art Price Jr, 40, molested the round metal table on four occasions "between the hours of 10:30 am and noon". A video of his last furniture liaison, on 14 March, provided police with hard evidence of Price's perversion.
Police Captain Matt Johnson said: "The first video we had, he was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table."
While sex with picnic tables is normally considered a misdemeanour, the fact that Price got down and dirty "in close proximity to a school" makes the outrage rather more serious. Johnson explained: "What boosts it up to a felony is that the statute says if it's likely to be viewed by a minor."
Some neighbours are reportedly worried that Price's three school-age kids might take some stick if their school friends get wind of the scandal, although others are rather more concerned that he was released "on his own recognisance". One said: "He shouldn't be allowed just for the fact that he could do that again - and nude that close to a school. That should be zero tolerance."
Captain Johnson concluded: "Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around." ®
I certainly hope the mental health community in that area has grief counselors talking to the table's relatives and friends - especially the chairs who witnessed this horrendous act of abuse on their innocent friend - and that the victim has undergone testing for STDs and is receiving intense counseling to get through this sordid event. I send my condolences to the table's family in their time of despair, and wish them well along the round cold hard road they must follow....
THe man is single. No women, or guy would touch a nut job like that.
If I was his land lord i'd be nervous about entering his place for clean up.
"FFS, you can't have sex, i.e. procreate with an inanimate object. This chap, the bicycle banger, the hoover humper and all the rest of them were using their 'partner' as masturbatory aids." (you were trying to think of 'table thumper' to go with bike banger and hoover humper?)
I thought the hoover was quite animated at the time.... don't know about the byke tho tis quite possible the poor thing was thrashing about, and as for this chap's 4 legged friend, well it's hard to say without seeing the UToob vid of the action. Those neighbors really ought post one of the vids they have!
Mines the one with the holopix of my five legged pal on the back...