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Internet Security Threat Report 2014

It's come to our attention that a certain kind of story will invariably provoke a Pavlovian response in certain Reg commentators who, in lieu of salivating at the sound of a bell, will suffer an immediate figurative jerking of the knee.

This involuntary spasm in turn provokes an uncontrollable venting of the spleen, the discharge of which ends up splattered across our reader comments - always to a set pattern.

Since we're concerned that the amount of energy being expended on ire might be having an adverse affect on the global climate and indeed the global economy, we've decided to offer a set of standard responses to specific news stimuli which will save you the bother of getting overly hot under the collar and burning up valuable calories which might otherwise be used for more useful activities, like spending all afternoon trying to install a printer driver on your Linux box, clubbing seals to death in Canada's frozen wastes, driving your motorcycle at Mach 3 on the Queen's highway, downloading bootleg movies via P2P sites or simply catching up on some non-IT-related hot Paris Hilton rumpy-pumpy news.

So, here you go:

Headline: Dumbass Yank rivets todger to SUV
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that our US cousins are a round short of a full clip comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

  • Heh - typical Yank idiocy, but then what do you expect with a president who can't spell 'Guantemanomo' without the aid of My First World Dictionary, eh?

    Paris, because she knows what Yanks would rather do with their todgers.

  • Hey, guys, knock it off with the US-hating. I'm Idaho born and bred, and I would never weld what you Limeys so cutely call my 'todger' to any motor vehicle.

    Uh… IT angle?

  • Obviously two dumb to realise there's more than one type of 'hummer'...

    Mines the one with the SUV keys in the pocket.

Headline: P2P freetard has sex with donkey
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that illegal downloading leads invariably to sexual perversion on a biblical scale comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

  • I paid £3.29 for the Radiohead album, but I don't think this model is going to be successful for smaller bands. Back to the drawing board on this one.

    Wait, had what with a what?

  • I bet you frikkin' paytards would give the donkey an organic carrot from Waitrose, wouldn't you? Frikkin' paytards.

    Paris, because I wouldn't pay to download her music, her grot vids, or her frikkin' peachy arse, tho' she's free to download me any time, bitch

  • Just goes to show that copywrite law is an ass!

    Mines the donkey jacket

Headline: Linux sucks fat c*ck in Hell
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that Linux is to Windows what spam is to fine Italian proscutta ham comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

  • Well, you Gates slaves stick with your bug-riddled crash-tastic Windows set-up if you like, we'll have the last laugh.

    Paris, because she sucks like you

  • Well, you tux freaks stick with your open source shite if you like, we'll have the last laugh.

    Paris, because she sucks like you

  • Well, you Apple fanboys can bite my shiny metal ass, cos us OS2 superheroes will have the last laugh in the end, you simpering fucktards.

    Paris, because she sucks like you

Headline: Global warming complete bollocks, says patio heater manufacturer
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that global warming is in fact a complete load of bollocks comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

  • Why are these patio heaters used? To provide some shelter for people as a result of the smoking ban, as a utility for dog owners, who's pets are banned form the bar, as a facility to allow children to accompany their parents to a pub.

    Perhaps MEPs and MPs need a lesson in cause and effect.

  • At last some conclusive evidence. Maybe this will finally persuade the fluffy-tree-wearing-yoghurt-huggers to go back to the teepees from whence they came?

    Paris makes me feel warm.

  • It's been obvious to anyone with half an inch of brain for years that global warming is just a NewLab red herring to distract us from the escalating immigration crisis. And people wonder why on earth I'm packing my bags and going to live in Portugal.

    Don't need a jacket, thanks, it's nice and warm under my patio heater.

Headline: Net paedo detonates nuke in Basingstoke
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that hanging is too good for 'em comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

  • Sarah's Law would make sure this never happened again. This is totally sickening, and what is Gordon doing about it? Nothing – he's too busy manning the speed cameras, I tell you what I was doing only about 90mph down the A13 and those bastards clocked me... [Editorial note: Cut here because you all know the rest of this one...]

    IT angle?

  • Why was my comment rejected? I only posted a link to… oh, that might have been it. Sorry. Carry on.

    Paris, because she was underage once.

  • How many times?!!? BRING BACK HANGING, its the only thing these sickoes understand

    My coat is the one with the much needed peado database in

Headline: US aircraft manufacturer admits to 'serious' in-flight toilet malfunction
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that you take your excretory organs in your hands when flying Stateside comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

  • That's it, I am never getting on a plane again – I'd rather have my arse blown off by proper terrorists, not these wannabes.

    Great article, El Reg - this is what we come here for!

  • Why is this news?
  • No, really - since everything on the web has to be just the way I like it, explain to me why this is news, exactly?

  • El Reg, you're really Yanking our chain on this one...

    Mine's the waterproof one.

Headline: Computer techies spread plague and anthrax: Official
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that malodorous BOFHs could do with a good bath and a quick dip in military-grade disinfectant comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

  • There is no reliable evidence for this at all. Much more of this kind of sloppy, biased reporting and the Reg will lose another formerly loyal reader, who showers every day and has a can of Lynx (Babe Magnet essence of Pizza) in his drawer right now actually.

    Paris, cos that's where you get the best anchovy pizza ;-p.

  • It wasn't plague, actually, and I think you'll find that in a moderately interesting report in Plague News the so-called Black Death was actually anthrax. or maybe a really nasty case of the clap.

    Paris, cos that's where i got anchovy pizza and the clap on the same night.

  • Well this is certainly true of the BOFHs I've met!!!!

    Mines the one with the gas mask, outside the server room!

Headline: Boffins mate Paris Hilton clone with Justin Timberlake
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that the prediction that within 50 years every cash-flush citizen will be able to enjoy sex with a genetically-modified celebutard in the back seat of his or her flying car comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

  • Why is this news? The Koreans have been cloning dogs for ages.
  • Paris, because she's also a [edited for legal reasons]

  • I choose the Paris Hilton icon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Um, I'm done. I'll go now.

  • Does this mean they would be 'LoveCloned'?

    Its the one with my DNA splattered all over it because I would very much like to have sex with Paris Hilton, please

Headline: Higgs Boson provokes subatomic speculationfest
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that you don't need to have a degree in physics, or any kind of degree at all, to speculate on the very nature of the universe comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

  • As a Christian, I find this article quite offensive. Naming this particle the 'God particle' is highly disrespectful. You are supposed to be trained journalists. Please stop it.

    <phd /><hairshirt /><calvary /><resurrection />

  • As an actual professor of physics I happen to know for a fact that the particle has a mass of exactly 115 gigaelectronvolts, so blow it out your arse, morons.

    Paris because even physics professors have needs.

  • Up and atom LOL!

    Mines the one with all the subatomic particles

Headline: El Reg story appears on alternative news outlet
Teaser: Proof, were it needed, that articles sometimes appear in more than one place, and indeed sometimes prior to publication on El Reg, comes with the news that...

Cut and paste your comment:

  • Pah, you lusers, this standardised comments service thing was on Slashdot/TechOnanistsForJesus.com/The BBC/etc, etc more than eighteen seconds ago. Go fuck :-p

Bootnote

Comments are allowed on this story, but be warned that the first person to deploy a derogatory -tard suffix will be banned for life from El Reg and his or her family sold into slavery. 'Nuff said.

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