The suspicion that sexual assaults against inanimate objects, including bicycles and hoovers, are on the rise is confirmed by the disturbing news that a man was last month cuffed for "allegedly simulating a sex act with a lamppost", as the Wiltshire Times puts it.

The incident apparently took place at about 4.45pm on 16 February, when police received reports of a man "being indecent" in the Queens Road area of Westbury.

The suspect was arrested on 27 February "on suspicion of outraging public decency" and later bailed pending an "extensive police investigation".

During their probe, officers gathered evidence and statements, "some of which were from children", and the unnamed man yesterday answered bail for further quizzing. He was again released "pending further inquiries". ®

Bootnote

The Polish building contractor recently caught in flagrante delicto with a Henry Hoover is reportedly no longer welcome is his native land. The local press has, according to the Sun, expressed its outrage at the incident, with one news website advising vacuum-sex compatriots to "stay and carry on hoovering".

Catholic Poles, meanwhile, claim the chap demonstrates "how their people reject family values when they come here - and often return with sexually transmitted diseases". Quite how you catch the clap from a hoover, we know not.

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