Coming soon, the Ofcom auction for the 400-790 terahertz frequency band.

The winner of this auction will get exclusive rights for this band, and can either sell on or rent parts of the range to others. Anybody who wishes to operate equipment in this range will require permission from the winner of the auction, and non-compliance will result in raids on premises to remove the unlicensed devices.

When asked why people were being kept in the dark about exactly what these frequencies were currently being used for, the official response was "to get people used to it".

The Trustee Savings Bank (anyone remember that?), tidal harmonics and therefore the orbital mechanics of the moon (see UK Hydrographic Office), map data gathered at UK taxpayers expense (see Ordnance Survey).

Ben Elton was mostly right. All we have to wait for now is the establishment of OFAIR.

In future legitimate UK citizens can buy their right to breathe from it when they obtain their ID card renewal.

Anyone persistently refusing to buy a license will eventually face the suffocation officer who will of course have a legal right of forced entry to your home. Anyone obstructing the officers duty to hold a pillow over your face until you stop breathing will be committing a criminal act.

To defray the cost of appointing suffocation officers, they will be accompanied by organ extraction technicians, who will be entitled to remove any usable organs from the former illegal breather, and entitled to request specific organs from any other member of the household who happens to have any useful bits.

Meanwhile the rest of the world will have got so far ahead of us by letting people do stuff without the government collecting its shilling every time someone coughs, we'll be back in the dark ages while the Indians explore Mars.

All the really annoying noises are in there.

A consortium of Sony BD, Mick Hucknall and Richard of York anticipate negotiating SURs for a couple of 1000K or more. "We have a Vision for the Future" said a spokesman.

Spot on, now lets just let people transmit on any frequency they like. I'll choose the 430 - 600 MHz region. I think I'll transmit lots of noise.

Also, it's an auction not a sale. So the high costs are driven by the industry. Okay, that's not fair on small companies, but that's capitalism for you. Nothing to do with Ofcom.

Does Parliament have the right to lock you up for murdering someone/thing? Who gave them the right?