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Google absolved of 'crimes against humanity'

$5bn lawsuit meets its maker

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Shuka-shuka-shuka-shuka-shuka.

Black helicopters were spotted over Scranton, Pennsylvania last week, as Dylan Stephen Jayne saw his civil rights lawsuit against Google flushed once and for all down the proverbial toilet.

As some may recall, Jayne had an epiphany back on September 16th, 2007, after he discovered that his social security number when turned upside down formed a scrambled code that spelled - oh my! - Google.

Google's plot for world domination lay revealed at last. The feds, a local news outlet, and the conniving citizens of Milford, Pennsylvania all had bit parts to play in this little-known subtext to the War on Terror.

Alas, the War on Terror waits for no man. No time to lose, he rushed down to the courthouse on September 18th, 2007 to file a claim under 42 U.S.C. section 1983 (which allows for lawsuits based on government civil rights violations) seeking redress to the tune of $5bn. The case was summarily dismissed. And then Jayne appealed.

No death by a thousand cuts here. Perhaps the robes muffled the whir of the rotors. In a rather sniffy, 267-word opinion, the 3rd Circuit affirmed that Google is not a state actor and therefore did not fall within the purview of the section in question. We hear the Idaho panhandle is lovely this time of year.

Dylan Stephen Jayne's lovingly handcrafted filings can be found here. ®

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