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Elephants take over transport network, mandate sex parties

Getting drunk with horny elephants. What could go wrong?

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Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Our backwards and oppressive government has rejected a petition to allow elephants to be sold in UK pet shops. This blatant disregard for the opinions of elephant-lovers up and down the country had you rightly up in arms. Elephants for all!

The winning idea on the second episode of BBC Radio 4's splendid "Genius" show was for the breeding of miniature elephants as pets. HMG are rejecting this idea too soon. They would do better to pass it on to the chaps in white coats at the genetics lab.

Ralph B


Miniature elephants is the way forward. Personally, I want one that will fit in my palm and can compete with my tortoise in sporting events.

Tom


Bloody nanny state. If a responsible pet owner makes provisions to care for an elephant then what right has the government to stop them?

Elephants have been kept as domestic animals for thousands of years, they can be trained to work in the building industry and in agricultural. I think this is all part of a bigger conspiracy backed by the manufactures of farm machinery and lifting equipment. If I where Jack Smithies I would be keeping one eye out for the Black Helicopters.

Anonymous Coward


This could be our way out the energy crisis. Elephant based transport, machinery and heating. I see school wagons pulled by elephants taking children to school, I see goods being hauled by elephant, I see lifting work done by elephant, I see sales execs speeding down the M5 on elephant back and I see no congestion charge being applied to elephants. Bring them into the house in the evening and they'll provide heat with their mighty bodies. When they get old you can kill them and eat them, lots of meat there. Oh yes, elephants are the future all right. Just a shame the government is too dumb to even see the start of it. Now, where is that elephant icon?

Ferry Boat


they may start off as ordinary family pets, well, as ordinary as an elephant could be, but give them a few years and there'll be an underground army of discontented elephants ready to rise up against their human keepers in a plethora of pachyderm proletarian protest.

Thankfully the Broon govt has had the foresight to avert a terrible future dominated by brutal elephants forcing humans to haul heavy logs through forests and to slave in peanut mines.

Paris as my icon 'cos she said that mine was like an elephant's trunk. In the dream I had at 7 this morning.

Tawakalna


A Polish teenager allegedly used a modified TV remote control to take control of the tram system in the city of Lodz, causing twelve people injuries and four trams to derail. He faces charges of endangering public safety.

Give him a job! OK: he might be a bit young - but he sounds like someone with a brain that works.

alain williams


and we're all worried about the security of airlines and nuclear powerplants, changing the signals/points for a 60 -> 100mph train would appear a far better terror tactic.

As it gives a quad whammy, train crash means

a: injuries/deaths

b: puts a line out of service until fixed and complete investigation done.

c: probably hard to trace if it were possible and the fact that it was intentional may not come to light until it had happend several times.

d: actual fear of using transport network, bombs are far fetched as they're reasonably hard to make and can only be used once, where as a device to change switches or signals, well that'll work as long as you have batteries. You never know when it may go horribly wrong.

Course it may not be possible at all with the UKs aging network, you probably need to move a lever or something.

Anonymous Coward


Anonymous Coward, reading your quad whammy list has made me realise that this strategy has been in place for years in the UK.

CooperMan


Duncan this is a tram line not a train line, the difference is trams are slow moving and hence can stop very quickly (unlike your average train). Therefore I'd assume that the system is totally decentralized (and so cheaper), I'd guess the tram drivers have infrared controls within their trams which they use to switch the points. Through the use of basic procedures etc that the tram drivers follow I imagine the system works very well with minimal costs. The worst case is that two trams end up on the same track but this isn't a problem as long as the drivers are paying attention as they'll notice the other great big tram and stop in plenty of time. All this saves having complicated computer controlled networks, expensive cabling and computer errors.

I imagine this is what the orginal designers thought and they had a point. Unfortunately for them they didn't consider the security implications. At the end of the day though I'm not sure what a sensible solution is, a set of armed guards at every point maybe? Anything less and there is still plenty of options of physical intervention to manually change the point.

The Mole


It's so sad when a promising youngster goes off the rails

Dave

Yes it is. Expect numerous forthcoming editorials decrying how model railway sets are making children lose their sense of reality and leading them to take over transport networks, treating the helpless people within as mere playthings. The Reg: It's not hysteria if we're doing it. ®

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