Taser unleashes leopardskin C2 and MP3 holster
Ladies to pack 'fashion with a bite'
Taser International yesterday used CES in Las Vegas to unleash the last word in must-have, non-lethal fashion accessories - a leopardskin Taser C2 which can be rather splendidly carried in a new one-gig "Music Player Holster" (MPH).
The latest addition to the C2 range complements the existing black, blue, pink and silver flavours designed to appeal to the threatened female demographic. Taser big cheese Rick Smith explained: "These new products are a result of listening to our customers. Personal protection can be both fashionable and functionable. The Taser C2 leopard print design provides a personal protection option for women who want fashion with a bite."
The MPH, meanwhile, is evidently the company's reponse to female customers' concerns that their kids might mistake the C2 for a toy and indulge in a bit of "let's play UCLA students and cops".
This legitimate worry led one worried mum to admit recently that while she really was looking for the peace of mind that only a Taser can bring, once she took delivery of her high-voltage enforcer, she'd "keep it locked in a box under the bed with the keys out of the kids' reach".
This, of course, makes the thing pretty well useless in the event of crack-crazed Latino assassination squads storming the house with assault rifles, so what better way to protect your family than stowing your Taser in its MPH and getting on with the dusting while grooving to Electric Ladyland? ®
For those among you who really must have accessories which match every outfit, the C2 is also now available in "red-hot red and fashion pink", which should allow you to avoid unfortunate colour clashes at sex-themed Californian fancy dress parties where you'll need solid protection to repel the advances of San Diego State University researchers asking you to blow on their tubes.
Dunno, having those tasers could be useful...
While there are some knowledgeable people who practise and prepare to use their chosen weapons (taser, pepper spray, firearm etc) they are in a very small minority.
Most of those who choose to arm themselves just buy off the shelves in the belief they are now somehow protected and 10-foot-tall-and-bulletproof.
They feel they no longer have to worry about due care and attention, that they can wander anywhere with impunity because they have A WEAPON and therefore are SAFE.
Never mind the fact they have neither the physical nor the mental training to use the weapon when the crunch comes. Weapons, it seems, magic-away the baddies and you never need concern yourself with what you'll do when you wander into the wrong part of town and a thug sticks a knife under your nose.
Never mind that a weapon is no good if your head is so far shoved up your arse that the thug can wander up behind you undetected and slide a knife beneath your shoulderblade.
Hollyweird furthers this popular misconception by conveying the illusion that they are some form of magic wand that will solve all your problems. Like showing a large adult male totally incapacitated by a quick jazz from one of the hand-held tasers weilded by some puny little woman when no less a weapons trainer than Massad Ayoob has repeatedly demonstrated that the average adult of either sex can withstand the full recommended FOUR-SECOND burst from one of those tasers then, immediately afterwards, accurately put five shots into a target.
Far from the instantly incapacitating weapon portrayed in the movies, isn't it.
Admittedly the C2 is more akin to the police models in that it fires the barbs at the intended target, and is probably more effective than the old "Metrosexual Cattle-prod" but it still requires that the person weilding it can actually hit the assailant with both barbs.
Fortunately, the device is fitted with a laser sight - which we all know (from watching the movies) is akin to firing radar-guided terrain-following cruise missiles at the target. This feature renders all weapons training and target practise unnecessary.
And the MPH! w00t!
Pop down to Wallymart, buy yourself a nice pink or leopard-skin taser with magical cruise-missile-laser-sight, slip it into the MPH, poke the earplugs in, crank up Britney to an ear-splitting level and wander out into the dark - I mean, you have a LASER-GUIDED WEAPON, you're INVINCIBLE, it doesn't matter that you're now incapable of hearing a possible attacker stalking you...
Personal music players of any sort are a rapist's "best friend" and Taser Inc (INComprehensible?) go and build one into the weapon's holster!
This has got to be some sort of attempt at Darwinian selection!
Perhaps in a few years - after all the stupid people have been murdered while wandering around the rough areas after dark with their MPH blaring into their ears and armed with one-shot Tasers (and only those who're capable of a few moments' thought are left alive) - the USA will truly become as great as its citizens seem to think it is.
Until then, however, the planet has to contend with a large number of vacant-headed mouth-breathers who think buying a colour-coordinated Taser over the counter is going to turn them into the T-X.
I think we could do with these Tasers over here in NZ - I can definitely think of a few people who would be best served to arm themselves with a Taser and blunder into South Auckland after dark with the MPH turned up to full...
Just waiting for Taser to be sued because their product failed to prevent some air-headed Soccer-Mom being raped in an area of town where even street-savvy armed gangstas tread carefully...
Taser International's headquarters is "a super high-tech fortress that very few know about", apparently...
As some morning radio announcers put it...
Now would-be muggers can be given a choice...
They can either take a few kV up an orifice of their choice, or hear the Spice Girls greatest hits...
I think I know which one would be more painful for me.